The bathroom stall

June 11, 2012
By , South China, ME
The bathroom can be one scary place when you don't have any friends. Everyone else is in the cafeteria eating lunch and I'm sitting in the bathroom because I'm too embarrassed to go in the lunch room and sit at that table all by myself. Scared that someone might make some comment. Say that I'm a "loner" or ask why I'm crying even though I know they don't care. I know they'll make some joke about it or go back to there table and tell there friends that I'm crying. So I stand in the bathroom stall crying with my throat starting to hurt wishing that a teacher would of heard Jeydon call me fat and say what a loser I am. I replay what he said over and over and over again in my head. Wondering why he called me that. I don’t know 110 pounds was so fat, guess I was wrong. Looking down at my thighs seeing how huge they really are. I cry, regretting eating that day and wish I was one of those naturally beautiful girls that can eat whatever they want and not count every calorie that they take in. In my head I say to myself how pathetic and stupid I am.

I hear the bell ring, lunch is over. I try so hard to stop the tears but I can't. I stand there for a minute just trying to forget it all. I unlock the door, step out of the bathroom stall, look in the mirror and see my fat self, wipe the tears from my face, and try to fix the smudged makeup. I walk out of the bathroom and put a smile on my face. Hiding all the hurt inside. I carry on the rest of the day pretending.

9th period. The day is almost over, thank god. I sit alone in the back of the room listening to Mrs. Donavan make some big speech. Two more minutes, Two minutes. Soon I get to be home, alone. The bell rings. Finally! I say in my head. I turn to walk out of the room my head down trying to avoid everyone. “Haley, Can I speak to you for a minute?” Uh oh. Like I want to actually be in this horrible classroom any longer. I walk over to Mrs. Donavan’s desk and sit down in a chair nearby with my book and folder in my hands. “Do you not understand the section or do you just not try.” I look down at my books and keep quiet not knowing what to say. “Your grade is now a C-.You’re not going to pass if you keep this up.”
“Keep what up?!”
I do my homework, all of it! I think. I look towards the ceiling not saying anything. “Okay, if you’re not going to say anything you can go.” I pick up my books and walk out of the room as fast as I can. I go to my locker and put my books away.

I start to walk back to my homeroom and I see Kegan all over some other girl. Like today wasn’t bad enough. He lied to me. Just a week ago that was me. He said he loved me! Me! Me not her. He made me feel so special, I was important for once. I can feel my eyes getting watery. I look down at the floor not making eye contact. And the next thing I see is the ground. I’m laying on the ground. He tripped me! Dirt is all over my face. A group of kids stare and laugh at me! They’re laughing, they won’t stop. I want to get up and hit them all. Why me?! What did I do? I get up. I hear Kegan say “Oops, my bad were you walking there?” and laughs. I run into the bathroom. Here again in the bathroom stall crying, whats new. I keep saying in my head, “why?!” I was the one hugging him in the hall, looking into his big blue eyes but not anymore he found someone better, everyone finds someone better than me. I got replaced. He never even cared about me, he lied. They all hate me. All of them laughing I can’t get it out of my head.

The bell rings, I have to get on the bus. I don’t even care what I look like. I walk out to the bus hoping I don’t see Kegan and walk up onto the bus, to the last seat and put my head against the back of the seat. I want to leave this school! I keep my head there with my eyes closed until my stop. I walk off the bus and hear someone yell “Don’t trip!”

I step down the steps and walk home. Tears falling down my cheeks. I can’t stop them. I start running, I get home and run to my bedroom and scream into my pillow my chest starting to hurt. Why me?! They all hate me and I understand why. I’m fat, ugly, stupid. Everyone hates me! I hate me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I hear my stomach grumble. No I say to myself, I wont eat I’m too fat. That’s why all those beautiful girls in those magazines are skinny. I lay in bed under the covers and close my eyes and fall asleep. I wake up and look over at the clock on my nightstand it’s 5:30. I slept three hours. Mom’s probably home by now.

I open my door and walk down the hall. Mom’s in the kitchen making supper. “Oh hey, when I got home I saw that you were sleeping” I just say “Yeah” not really wanting to talk to anyone. She gets done cooking and we sit down at the dining room table to eat I try not to eat too much knowing I’ll regret it tomorrow. Mom and dad ask how my day was and I just say “Good.” Instead of telling them it was horrible. Jeydon called me fat and a loser today, I ended up crying in the bathroom, Mrs. Donavan yelled at me for having a bad grade even though I do all my homework, I’m just too stupid and can’t do anything right, and Kegan tripped me. Yeah the Kegan that was in ‘love’ with me last week!” I don’t want to tell them what happened. I don’t want to tell anyone how much I cried in those bathroom stalls today or on the bus. I just want to go to bed and never ever wake up again.

Sometimes I don’t understand how they can’t tell that I’m miserable. They can’t tell how quiet and sad I am. They haven’t noticed that I never have friends to hangout with anymore. Don’t you think they’d at least wonder? They’re just too busy with work to even notice there own daughter isn’t happy at all. They haven’t noticed me coming home with big puffy red eyes from crying everyday at school for four years, Ever since 4th grade. I can remember it like it was yesterday. Ever since Alexis yelled “Nobody cares about you, Haley!” When I was up in front of the class reading. I started crying and the teacher just told me to go back to my seat. She didn’t even say anything to her! Maybe because it’s true...Nobody does care about me, nobody wants me around. “I’m gonna go to bed” I say. I get up from my chair and walk to my room. I lay in bed thinking of everything that happened today. I start tearing up and a tear drips down. I close my eyes and I start bawling. “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want to be here anymore.” I say in my head.

I get tired and fall back to sleep. I’ve always loved sleep it makes everything go away, all my problems are gone for awhile. I feel safe, in my bed sleeping is my happy place. I feel good, accepted for once. I wake up in the morning and I start to cry, I didn’t want to wake up. I don’t want to wake up anymore! I roll onto the floor and lay on my back. “Nooo! I want to die! Please?!” My heart pounding, I start sobbing.

My mom knocks on the door. “Haley, you up yet?” Oh no. She can’t see me like this! She opens the door and sees me lying on the floor with my face drenched in tears. She runs over looking worried “What’s wrong?!”

“Nothing” I reply. “Something must be wrong, you were crying.” I can’t tell her everything, I can’t it will hurt too much. She’ll think she’s a horrible mother. She’ll be mad at me. She’ll hate me, if she doesn’t already. “I can’t go to school anymore, I can’t.” She asks “Why not, what’s going on?” “I just don’t want to step foot or even look at that school every again.” She picks me up and holds me. I can’t even remember the last time she did that. It feels so good to be hugged, for a moment I felt like someone cares. For a few minutes it is quiet. “Okay.” She says. “Fine, you don’t have to.” I feel so relieved. I don’t have to see those horrible, rotten people ever ever again!
Mom asks “Well if you don’t want to go there, where do you want to go?”
“Anywhere” I reply. “Anywhere but there!”

“Well then, today is Friday. We can go looking at schools on Monday if you want...you stay home today. Your dad and I will go to work and when we get home we can talk to him about this with him.” She seems disappointed, she seems confused, worried.

I spent the whole day actually being happy and not crying. Thinking of the great days ahead without seeing those people; without seeing Kegan, without seeing Jeydon or Alexis! It’s going to be great. I won’t miss them one bit! I feel great about myself for once. A week goes by. We’ve checked out three schools. Mom returns the paper work and all my records. I’m going to start going to Riverbank Middle School. When I went to tour the school I met a girl named Samantha turns out she does soccer like me and we’ll be in the same homeroom! I guess sometimes you just have to switch things up sometimes, change your surroundings and things might be alright.





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