Tripping Balls

December 17, 2010
By , Groveland, MA
It was just about 10 pm when i realized what had happened. not only were the trees aware of their existence; they were aware of mine. I tried to move my legs as fast as possible, but it was futile. my legs were stuck to the ground like a jolly rancher stuck to a molar.

Thinking quick, I made a handstand and traveled 3000 miles down to the hidden desert valley. There, I chatted feverishly with a native. he told me that they simply did not have enough water in their blood. I had no idea what this meant, so I got back on my hands and walked straight up the hills once more.

Just then, a tiny mole came up to me. With his weary little eyes, desperation leaked. But when I turned to his aid, he vanished. Turning to the sky for an explanation, a plane flew by with the message "Tennis Balls are for You". I knew what this meant, all I needed was to understand what it meant. Where were the meatballs on my pasta? where were the sprinkles on my ice cream? why weren't the sweet warm maple syrups there to smother my pancakes? These were the things I set out to know in very little time.

The road was pulling my left wheels along a yellow track. I didn't know where we were going, but wherever it was I knew would be safe. But these trees would find me. Even in the middle of the desert, mother earth could send them the message. After that, it's a crap shoot. The shrubs and tumbleweeds will set out for you. You can't mess with earth. It owns you and provides for you.

Just then my vision began to lighten and darken rapidly. The flashing of red, white, and blue dug through my corneas. Perhaps my country was trying to tell me something. Maybe it was trying to save me from earth's madness. Was my country not in a union with the earth? why would my homeland betray its provider?

There was no time for these questions. I had to move quick. I swerved off the side of the road and let my car drive into the twilight oblivion. If the sun rose soon, I would know that everything is whole. This never-ending darkness was too suffocating. I wanted so much to see where I was going that my eyes started to decide what I would see. The flashing images of a ball pit of tennis balls was too much for me to handle, however. I could not stand these constant bumps. I needed some relief from this lime green madness. I know they are for me! I just don't understand why!

The tennis balls understood me. The ball pit started to deflate, and became nothing more than slabs of cotton coated rubber. This would do for now...this would do for now.

About 2 hours after crashing into a crater, I found Paul Giamatti watering a cactus nearby. After staring at him passionately for 10 minutes, I discovered that he might be familiar with the area. With a gregarious demeanor, I tumbled my way to his presence. Rolling and somersaulting in response to my tumbling, I think he appreciated my little taste of high class mannerisms.

Anyways, it actually wasn't Paul Giamatti. The thing is though, is that it didn't bother me when I found out. I didn't need any awe on this trip, I just needed to find a way out of this land of evaporating sand. The man told me there was a place 30 miles west where I could find myself some napkins. I thanked him for his advice, but we both knew I was not out here to deal with napkins. I was here to hide; I was here to survive. A liquid substance was needed for such to be done. I tried to avoid doing somersaults. Summer and salt were too elements I did not need right now.

The simmering sediment burned the soles of my feet to the point where they were infected stubs rotten with every color of the rainbow. It didn't matter to me though, everyone knows I'm a handstand kind of guy. Having stubs for feet can only help you increase your handstand skills. Everything was fine for now...everything was fine for now.

Finally, I had found what I was looking for. The man who was once Paul Giamatti came up to me and burdened me by flocking out questions about my infected stubs. The questions were piercing, though, and I knew I had to shoot them down. Anyways, he handed me a piece of cactus, and told me to drink some of its liquid. I knew what he was doing - he was trying to impregnate me with the cactus's offspring. Fortunately though, I had the benefit of receiving an education, and I knew that such actions were completely impossible. I gave him an acknowledging gaze that told him I knew what he was up to. His perplexed response let me know I had astounded him with my depth of perception.

By the time i was re-hydrated, I had forgotten what exactly I was out here for. No matter though. I sat on a rock and waited for the man who was once Paul Giamatti. I needed him to figure out what I would do. I just needed to keep faith in the hope that he would return for me one day to help me figure out where I am and how I can get out.

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