He kissed me lightly, I held him closer. He took my jacket off and we sat down on my bed. I sat on his lap, he kissed me passionately. It went faster and faster. More kissing, less clothes, more touching, no clothes. The rest was a blur of pleasure and confusion. When it was over I was relieved and disappointed, I drifted to sleep, not knowing what really just happened. The next morning I woke up with a massive headache, three crushed beer cans were lying on my floor. I noticed his jacket; I picked it up and smiled. I loved him so much, and I had given my innocence for him. I picked up my phone and texted him to meet me at the park after school. As I got ready I tried extra hard to look adorable for him. I brushed my hair to perfection, adjusted my clothes to perfection, and even brushed my teeth to perfection. Perfection, it still wasn’t good enough for him. I got off the bus and smiled and waved to friends, only looking for him. I saw him and smiled. Nothing could break the link between us. I went through all my classes and thought about him, like every day. I drew hearts on my folders, thinking only of him and his perfection. After school we met at the park. We walked over to the cherry tree and sat in the shade and cuddled. I’m not good enough for you. I thought to myself. We looked into each other’s eyes and everything was right with the world. I went home feel extraordinary. I ate dinner and did my homework, still only thinking of him. I got ready for bed and said goodbye to today, hoping tomorrow would bring even more. 3 weeks went by from the day gave everything to him. We still met at the park and had those moments where time stopped and everything was right. I woke up at 3:00 AM and ran to the bathroom and threw up. Was I sick? No! I couldn’t be. More kissing, less clothes, more touching, no clothes. I gasped and fell to the floor. No, no, NO! I stood up and began frantically looking through the medicine cabinet for tests. I found one and ripped it out of the box. I followed the instructions accordingly and read it. Positive. He had gotten me pregnant. We sat under the cherry tree and looked into each other’s eyes. Mine began tearing up and I was crying. He told me it would be okay and he held me closer. I told him he didn’t understand I hadn’t told him yet. He asked what’s wrong. I avoided the question and replied with a question. I asked him, if he loved me enough to be the father of my baby, if I were to have one. He held my hand and said of course. I told him I was pregnant and he smiled weakly and said he had to go. I sat at the cherry tree for 3 more hours, crying and crying, he wasn’t ready to be a father and I wasn’t ready to be a mother. He ignored me for 3 days. Never answering texts or calls and avoiding me in the hallway. I still went to the cherry tree on the usual days and I cried. On the 4th day he finally called and said he had something to tell me and to meet him at the cherry tree. I saw him waiting for me and I ran up to hug him. He hugged me back and said “I will be the father of your baby, when I get back.” I asked him where he was going. “I’m moving to Oregon. Dad’s job is moving.” I burst into tears. I hugged him as tight as I could and asked him when he was coming back. He said he didn’t know but he promised me he would come back and he told me to never give up on him. I told my parents about the baby, they were disappointed but they were willing to accept it. They took me to appointments and helped me design a nursery in the guest room. I had the baby. It was a beautiful baby girl named Faith, because I had faith he would come back. He promised me, and told me to never give up. On Faith’s 3rd birthday he still hadn’t returned. I was getting worried he would never see his daughter because she had Leukemia and the doctors feared she didn’t have much time left. I cried myself to sleep every night, fearing for him and Faith. Where was he? Why wasn’t he hear, Faith needed him, I needed him. On Faith’s 5th birthday she was in the Hospital, I got her all the presents she asked for. He still hadn’t come back. The doctors said she was fading fast and they were doing their best to help her. I cried and told them to try as hard as they could. They said they were, but I didn’t believe them. The next day I told my parents to go visit Faith. I was going to call the company his dad worked for and find out where in Oregon he was. I found the number and they told me the city. I asked for their house number. I called it and he answered. I smiled; it was so great to hear his voice. I asked him when he was coming back, he said he didn’t know and he asked me to visit. I got on a bus and traveled from Nevada to Oregon. I found his house and rang the doorbell. There he was, still just as perfect. I told him the baby was born and he needed to see her. We sat on the bus and headed back to Nevada. My phone rang. I answered it, unsure of whom it was. “Hey, its mom, Faith isn’t going to make it, where are you? Come back!” I shut the phone and told him it was okay. We got off the bus and I told him we needed to visit the hospital, I still hadn’t told him Faith had Leukemia. Once we got there I ran to her room. I opened the door and heard a monotone beep and looked at the heart rate monitor. A flat line. I fell into his arms and cried. We were one second too late. Faith had died. She never got to meet her father. Every day when she was younger she asked where dad was. I said she’d meet him someday. She never did.
November 26, 2009