Snodsbury Manor

Bishop’s Frome

Worcestershire

WR6 5AY

United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland

18 October 2018

John Q. Citizen

The Green Dragon 

Little Cowarne

Worcestershire

WR3 7PT

United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland

Dear Sir,

I write to you today in a plea to all fellow civilised Englishmen. Those who believe that we must take our country back. Those who believe in the values of exiting the European Union. Those who will vote for the Conservative Party this November for a STRONG AND STABLE Britain.

My name is Sir Boniface Christopher Arthur Charles Burnham-Caldwell, Thirteenth Viscount of Upton Snodsbury, and I shall be running for the prestigious post of MP for East Worcestershire in the forthcoming General Election. I am aware that many of the plebeians in this great country shall be opting to vote for that hermit Corbyn and his vulgatious Labour party. However, fellow Englishmen, this is exactly the time to separate ourselves from this rabble, to distance ourselves from the riff-raff, and rise with our chins up into a new, progressive, Tory Britain. 

Firstly, however, you must be aware of my campaign promises. The exit of Great Britain from the European Union was a cause which I vehemently supported. Finally, someone was taking a stand for Britain’s rights in the world. One of my major focuses is to negotiate terms that are favourable to Britain during the exit. These terms include, but are not limited to, 

The compensation of £1 Billion to be paid by each member state to Great Britain for wasting our time with all this nonsense.
5% of EU GDP to be transferred annually to Great Britain as a reimbursement for all the great work we’ve done for making their countries more STRONG AND STABLE.
The acceptance of all of Britain’s waste (general, nuclear, biological) for the next millennium.
And many more. As you can see, these will all go towards a STRONGER and more STABLE Britain. 

Another one of my pledges is to invade The Republic of Ireland. I think we can all concur that the concept of the British Isles being two entities is simply preposterous. The isles should all be one Great Nation, bonded by everlasting allegiance to Her Majesty. Yes, some may argue this is a radical path to unification. Yet I believe that it is the only way to cause swift and total obedience by the Irish people to Great Britain. It shall also be the perfect opportunity to demonstrate to the world that Britain is no longer the minnow that it has been forced to be by decades of military mismanagement and adherence to the nonsensical regulations imposed upon us by bodies such as NATO; and that her armed forces are the strongest in the world. 

This leads on well into my next pledge, which is to increase military spending to £650 billion, which shall ensure that Britain is protected from the many threats brought into this country by FOREIGNERS and LIBERALS, with their values of “multiculturalism” damaging our society. How shall I fund this, you may ask? Well, I am proposing a radical new system of taxation (albeit one which I believe has been in the offing for quite some time), whereby every person whose income is lower than £550,000 Per Annum shall be taxed at a rate of 99.9% (after all, the human rights councils would get rather upset if they had no money at all). This taxation will be rather like killing two natives with one bullet, as it shall help to remove undesirables from the country (the Great Unwashed, as it were), and to fund great public works projects such as large statues of Her Majesty, which shall be erected at every street corner. The taxation system would also provide tax breaks of up to 97% on those whose income is greater than £550,000 Per Annum, and those who are aristocracy of any kind (although they do rather go hand-in-hand).  

As to those who raise questions of Law and Order, well dear citizens, I can assure you I am completely and wholly committed to the eradication of crime in our great nation (and soon-to-be-restored empire). My plan for this is fairly simple: to begin with, the death penalty is to be implemented in the case of any crime more severe than petty misdemeanour (and even those shall be presented with a sentence of no less than 15 years). Furthermore, Great British land shall no longer be used to shelter such undesirable elements of society, and they shall all be deported to the Isle of Wight (which also would help to get rid of that abhorrent “music” festival they hold there). These measures, dear citizens, shall most certainly ensure that crime in this great nation is completely eradicated by 2020. 

The overall aim of my campaign is to save Britain. While this may sound rather grand, with pledges I have presented before thee, I should see no reason that it cannot be achieved with your support, my fellow countrymen. 

Counting on your vote this November,

Ever STRONG AND STABLE,

Sir Boniface Christopher Arthur Charles Burnham-Caldwell, XIII Viscount Upton Snodsbury