Actual Cannibal Shia Labeouf

May 15, 2017
By ILovePancakes BRONZE, Louisville, Colorado
ILovePancakes BRONZE, Louisville, Colorado
2 articles 0 photos 0 comments

I was wandering around this old deserted road in the middle of some forest I couldn’t for the life of me remember the name of. My phone was dead, I had no idea where I was, and no one had driven past for hours. Then out of the corner of my eye, I spotted someone - Shia Labeouf. He was following me, about 30 feet back. I saw him get down on all fours in a runner’s position, then break into a sprint towards me. I frantically looked for my car, but I had wandered off and can’t find it. He had almost gotten to me now and I could see there’s blood on his face; my god there’s blood everywhere!

I was running for my life from Shia Labeouf. He was brandishing a knife at me. He lurked in the shadows. Hollywood superstar, Shia Labeouf, was terrifying me. He’s been living in the woods, killing for sport, and eating all the bodies. Shia Labeouf is an actual cannibal.
Now it’s dark and I seemed to have lost him, but I’m hopelessly lost myself. Stranded in the woods with a murderer, I creeped silently through the underbrush. I kept praying to everything that he wouldn’t hear or find me. Then, in the distance, I spotted a cabin. There was a light on, and it was almost like the embodiment of hope. I moved stealthily toward it, but then SNAP! My leg got caught in a bear trap! As quietly as I could, I pulled my mangled half-leg away from the bear trap, and wrapped
it with my t-shirt to slow the flow of blood. I started to limp toward the cottage, trying to keep quiet, despite the fact that half my leg had just been snapped off. I finally got to the doorstep, and I peered in the window. Shia Labeouf was sitting inside, sharpening an axe. I silently creeped inside, and snuck up behind him. I lunged forward and grabbed him around the neck. I was strangling a man whose movies I had loved when I was younger. I was fighting for my life like he had with the Transformers. He pulled out his knife again, and I wrestled it out of his hands. With a mighty roar, I stabbed it right into his kidney. I was finally safe from Shia Labeouf.
I limped into the dark woods, with blood oozing from my stump leg. Despite that, I was victorious. I had beaten Shia Labeouf. I then felt a cold hard something press against the back of my head. I heard Shia’s voice whisper “Shia Surprise!”. There was a gun to my head, and there was death in his eyes. Luckily for me I knew Jiu Jitsu, so I body slammed him to get away. I had a legendary fight with Shia that night. I figured this was a normal Tuesday night for him though. I tried to swing an axe at him, but the blood was draining fast from my leg, and I was too weak. He was dodging my every strike. He parried to the left, and I countered to the right. I caught him in the neck. I started chopping off his head, a rage flowing through me like I had never felt before. I looked down a couple seconds later and realized, I had just decapitated Shia Labeouf. His head toppled to the floor, expressionless. I fell to my knees and caught my breath. I was finally safe… From Shia Labeouf.

The author's comments:

This work is inspired by the song "Actual Cannibal Shia Labeouf" By Rob Cantor

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