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In the Night

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She walked along the edge of the stream, nothing could be heard except for the small trickle of water. Deep in thought she would repeat his name over and over in her mind, Aron, she kept walking until the sun set low beneath the mountains.

She was so drowned in her thoughts she didn't hear the low howl from the village.
Finally she looked up.
"It's happening!", she thought, "I must get back.....but where am I?" As she looked around she realized that she had walked away from the stream and deeper into the woods. The she finally heard it, the low howl coming closer.
Oh no...

She started to run, the hem of her dress getting torn by the branches of the trees. She wasn't sure where she was going but she just knew that she just had to get away.

When she finally stopped for breath she had ran to the very heart of the forest, she leaned against the giant oak tree to rest. She fell to her knees and started to drink from the small brook by her feet. As she stood up she heard the snap from behind.

Turning around she saw to eyes staring at her through the forest, they glowed a bright red as if the were made of two burning embers. She tried to step back but her feet didn't move, then it howled, low and gravely. she shook, then she could move, she turned and ran.

She ran as fast as her legs would carry her but as she neared the edge of the woods she met with a cliff, she tried to climb but fell every time. She finally gave up and turned running towards the creature. It stopped looking confused then howled once more showing it's great row of teeth. Then lunged at her.

She ducked going underneath its belly then she pulled her dagger from her boot and cut its hind leg. It howled in pain, as it tried to lunge once more but fell to the ground. As she ran back to the oak tree she saw the great cuts in the tree's bark. She lay by the foot of the tree, tears streaming down her cheeks. She looked over seeing the creature slowly get up and advance towards her. She made no motion to move just sat there and waited. As she curled into a ball she could fell his hot breath on her neck. She looked into his bright red eyes, which this morning were a lovely hazel color, and whispered "Aron, why?" They it was over.

The next morning the villagers went deep into the mountains, the night before they had heard the dieing screams of Vanessa. As the edged slowly onward. They heard a sorrowful moaning coming from the great oak near the heart of the forest, they all inched closer as they saw a figure standing near the tree. As they got closer they noticed he only had his trousers on and no shirt, he turned to them. His hazel eyes streaming with tears, and in his hands lay Vanessa. Vanessa's father ran to her grabbing her with firm hands and falling to his knees. As his sorrowful cries echoed through the mountains, he noticed in Vanessa's hand was her dagger. Blood was falling from the dagger onto her hand, as he looked up he noticed the trouser leg of the man in front of him was cut and blood was falling down soaking the ground.

"Aron. Why?"




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Gecko said...
Oct. 31, 2012 at 6:31 pm:
i really liked this. one thing i reccommend is that you avoid starting a sentence with 'she' too many times in a row. also, i noticed you used 'but' a lot. Try to describe Aron a bit more both when we first met him, and when we last see him, so the reader can get connected. you really did a great job with this, though--keep writing!
 
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WonTonFred1 said...
Oct. 20, 2012 at 11:00 am:
A revision may be neccesary for this one, I liked the story but try to use some better word choice. The sun doesn't set beneath mountains at least it sounded weird reading that part and It could have made the story ten times better if you would have made the howl like really bone chilling and a little more mysterious. Otherwise good story :D, maybe more suspense before revealing Aron and just describe him as super scary or maybe contrast him to the way he used to be before revealing hes the ... (more »)
 
IssaK replied...
Oct. 20, 2012 at 5:21 pm :
Thanks for the feedback. I will take your thoughts into consideration. :)
 
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