NightStalker | Teen Ink

NightStalker

June 25, 2011
By Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."


Prologue

The man stealthily lurked through the darkness waiting for someone to catch him. Nobody came out of the lurking darkness that stood behind him. He turned back quickly one more time and then turned back to what he was doing.

He walked over to a tall sharp fence and climbed over it snagging part of his black coat going over, ripping it.

He grumbled once he got over lifting up the ripped side.

“I’ll fix it later!” he mumbled gruffly as he started walking toward a huge looming building.

“He’s coming! hurry! In your positions!” said a big armed guard looking from a tall look out tower.

Down below was a dark figure of a man walking towards the guard tower.

The man looked up at all the armed guards and froze.

“Crap!” he said under his breath looking down from the light that was casted on him.

“Well, well, long time no see ah?” said a man in a red uniform with so many medals on the suit you could definitely tell that he was in charge.

“You, have been causing trouble, all around the country side. Stealing, and causing a ruckus among the people of the towns.” the red suited man continued, staring straight in the masked mans black eyes.

He then looked down at the coat. “It seems like you have been causing even more of a ruckus as well. Where do you think your going?” asked the red suit man fingering the tared fabric of the coat.

The man in the mask didn’t answer.

“Hmmm, you want to be difficult ah?” asked the man taking out a silver pistol.

“Well then, I will too.” the red suit man holding the pistol over the masked mans heart.

“It seems like you have earned yourself a new name through theses past weeks. People now call you NightStalker.” the red suit man continued slyly.

“Did you, know about this?” asked the red suit man.

The masked man gripped the gun in his left hand hard.

It appeared that the suited man noticed because then he said: “Ah, it seems you don’t like this name? You don’t, do you?” asked the suited man peering at the masked man closely.

Then speaking for the first time, the masked man spoke in a deep rich voice, “Why, why would I like this name? It is a name of a monster. Not a human being.”

“Well, you’re not, How do I put it nicely, not a human being. I mean come on, the way you climb so gracefully, the way you can get around an enemy so quietly, or how you can shoot twenty men with only one bullet.” the suited man said holding one finger and continuing. “This, is not normal.” the suited man shook his finger at him.

“How, how do you do it?” the suited man asked him.

The masked man responded, “Practice.” he said simply.

“How could you say that? just practice? I don’t think so! So tell me, how is this possible? Are you an alien? Did you fall in some toxic waste? What?!” demanded the red suited man.

“Toxic waste? Do you really think I'm some super hero?” asked the masked man in disbelief.

“Well then how is the things you do possible?” he asked.

“I have my ways” said the dressed in black masked man said mysteriously.

The red suited man started to pace around in circle still keeping the gun poised at the masked mans heart.

“Well,since it seems like you won’t give give me answers, I guess I will have to shoot the answer out of you!” the red suited man said.

He then pointed the gun at the masked man and locked the gun aiming at his chest.

“Tell me, or I will shoot you” demanded the suited man.

“No” the masked man said firmly.

“Well then, I’m sorry to say that you will be in a hospital bed for quiet some time” said the red suited man ready to pull back the trigger.

Then the man in the mask kicked the gun out of his hand knocking it all the way to a flimsy willow tree to the left.

The masked man took out his black shiny gun gracefully and pointed it at the suited mans heart.

“Well now, we don’t have to be harsh on this matter, put the gun down” the suited man motioned to put the gun on the grassy floor.

“says the man who was about ready to shoot me!” laughed the masked man not putting the gun down but putting the gun closer to the mans heart.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to shoot you” the masked man said, the suited man sighing with relief. “I’m just going to give you a little reminder that you can’t beat me that easily!” and with that the masked man shot his foot.



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This article has 84 comments.


on Aug. 17 2011 at 3:57 pm
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

actually now it is: jellotinisjiggly24

on Aug. 15 2011 at 6:52 pm
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

oh and my new user name is now: Malrox21213 instead of: writerfreak21231.

on Aug. 15 2011 at 6:48 pm
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

oh and my new user name is now: Mal21213 instead of: writerfreak21231.

on Aug. 15 2011 at 8:53 am
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

to keep him from being noticed. And thank you for reading and the feedback! :)(:

on Aug. 14 2011 at 5:23 pm
Iggy_Fang112 BRONZE, Daytona Beach, Florida
2 articles 0 photos 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

And

Pain is inevitable; Suffering is optional

All in all, a very good story. The way the people talk is a bit confusing. More details would make it better as well. The way this story is written makes me curious about the Nightstalker. Why does he carry a gun? Why the dark coat?

on Aug. 13 2011 at 6:45 pm
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1648 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

Okay, some criticisms:

1.  Work on your grammar.  It's REALLY, really distracting when it's like this.

2.  Add a bit more detail.  Then readers know what's going on.

3.  Work on your dialogue.  It's a bit stiff so try reading it aloud and asking yourself if people really speak that way in your story's situation.


on Aug. 11 2011 at 5:50 pm
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

yeah definatly i will check out ur work!!! thanks for the feedback and thanks for reading! :)(:

on Aug. 10 2011 at 1:57 pm
Blue4indigo PLATINUM, Sturbridge, Connecticut
24 articles 0 photos 382 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather be sorry for something that I did than for something I didn't do.
-Red Scott

Very nice begining, the story caught my attention from the start. The action is quite exciting, and makes me want to know more about this NightStalker. The only thing that you really should work on is the dialouge; its format. If you're not switching to a different speaker, DO NOT start a new line. It makes it seem as if a different person is speaking, while the speaker is the same; confusing. Otherwise, great job.

Can you please look at some of my work, rate and comment? Especially the poems, I really need feedback on those.


on Aug. 2 2011 at 12:47 pm
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

thanks u for the feedback and ur helpfu thoughts!!!! :) and thanks for reading! :)(:

Sayuri97 GOLD said...
on Aug. 2 2011 at 9:25 am
Sayuri97 GOLD, Gilford, New Hampshire
12 articles 0 photos 49 comments
I agree with Megan.J.B., I think if you added some more detail it would be amazing. Also, I think it would really work to your advantage to hear at least one of the character's thoughts... how or when (or if, of course) you do this is up to you, but, again, more details, more thoughts, and more emotions. Very well written otherwise! I know how difficult it can be to write action sometimes so I give you lots of credit. Keep it up!

on Jul. 31 2011 at 7:33 pm
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

oh and just for starters, the masked man is a teenager, i accidently put man. :) my bad!

on Jul. 30 2011 at 9:50 am
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

thanks you! and i will be checking out some of ur work!! :)(:

on Jul. 30 2011 at 9:49 am
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

yeah i'll go check out some of ur work! Thanks for the feedback! :)(:

on Jul. 29 2011 at 2:20 pm
DifferentTeen PLATINUM, Seaford, Delaware
32 articles 2 photos 332 comments

Favorite Quote:
"There’s no such thing as true love, just spurts of insanity—falling over and over again, thinking that won’t happen to me"

I disagree. I love when a story has a lot of dialoge its keeps me entertained. When a story is all descriptions I get easily bored when the writer could be describing real things instead of saying things that no one really notices during a conversation. I think this was a very real story, nice job!

Megan.J.B said...
on Jul. 29 2011 at 12:28 pm
Megan.J.B, Sault Ste Marie, Other
0 articles 0 photos 185 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Here's the real truth. There are eight million people in this city. And those teeming masses exist for the sole purpose of lifting the few exceptional people onto their shoulders. You, me? We're exceptional."
- Green Goblin. :)

I thought this was interesting, but one thing I would say is that this is all dialogue! I would really love more detail in here, more descriptions with some really nice word choice; that sort of thing :) 

If you wouldn't mind checking out some of my poems, I will go and check out the second part ! 


on Jul. 25 2011 at 12:54 pm
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

thanks! the second part of it is posted already as well! :)(:

on Jul. 25 2011 at 9:28 am
Andy Binker Cosen BRONZE, Buenos Aires, Other
1 article 0 photos 161 comments
Nice! It's catchy and very action-packed! Cheers!

on Jul. 23 2011 at 7:41 pm
k_luvs_you BRONZE, North Richland Hills, Texas
2 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
Emily: Thackery Binx, what took thee so long?
Thackery Binx: I'm sorry, Emily. I had to wait three hundred years for a virgin to light a candle. - Hocus Pocus

Awesome. I'll be sure to check it out:)

 


on Jul. 23 2011 at 7:38 pm
Free_One PLATINUM, ????, Ohio
40 articles 1 photo 773 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am not invincible or unstoppable, but I stay strong because it is the only way to survive in this world."

thanks! I just posted the second as well! :)(:

on Jul. 23 2011 at 3:44 pm
k_luvs_you BRONZE, North Richland Hills, Texas
2 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
Emily: Thackery Binx, what took thee so long?
Thackery Binx: I'm sorry, Emily. I had to wait three hundred years for a virgin to light a candle. - Hocus Pocus

Nice start, I liked it. One thing I would add, though, is more detail. Overall, though, very nice prologue:)
--Keep on writing:)


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