Swanson's Tuesday

April 20, 2011
By Anonymous

Devin Swan had a handsome son to whom he never gave a name. His son's identity was known as Swanson. Swanson is the most adorable kid in all of 3rd grade. On Swanson's favorite day of the week, Tuesday, he found a glass figurine of a number seven in his left pocket. With this idol, he smashed apart a cotton ball and dribbled dijon mustard on the carnage.

In the middle of his episode, his English teacher, Dr. Leroy Kabibbles, PhD, asked Swanson, “Look here m'boy, why on God's green Earth did you just mangle that poor cotton ball?” Swanson formulated a cheeky reply to the old man, “I hate yoooouuuuu..!”

Affronted, Dr. Kabibbles brandished a crude yardstick out of a nearby pile of ill-assorted scrap metal. With this sinister stick of senselessness, Dr. Kabibbles intimidated poor Swanson into obeying his weak, decrepit voice. “SWANSON! YOU SASS MY MOUTH AGAIN AND I WILL BE A GROUCH TO YOU!” he yelled. After temporarily losing bowel control from sheer fright, Swanson went Super Saiyan which caused Dr. Kabibbles to apologize multiple times in rapid succession due to Swanson's body bulging with a profuse amount of muscles and correlating strength potential.

“I bullied you successfully,” Swanson said as he performed an exotically elegant victory dance consisting of a plethora of inappropriate poses for a third grader to know. The other seven children in the class viewed the entire fiasco while consuming delicious tacos dripping with gooey cheese and other such juices.

Meanwhile at work, Devin Swan is leading in the world's only supply of abnormally large, multipurpose office desks. This desk currently being built by Devin's large masculine hands is actually a dual purpose object that is a desk as well as an inflatable bounce house. This particular desk in question was custom ordered by a quite talented individual by the name of Kiggle-Pooks, a classmate of Swanson.

Anyway, back at school, Swanson had committed quite an atrocity. “Accidentally” as he described it, Swanson had tripped over a small forest animal and fell onto a box of T-Rex figurines that housed an amount of raspberry jelly that was rather disproportionally large in comparison to the size of the object. Consequently, Swanson had to go to the hospital, for he had a violent allergic reaction to all farmers over the age of 29. The poor boy had to survive on little bits of concrete and a deflated volleyball for six days after being evicted from the hospital for disorderly conduct that involved silver duct tape, a ninja costume, and a can of processed pumpkin.

However, unfortunately for Devin, he had to pay for his son's irresponsible actions by giving the hospital a gargantuan number of Jimmy Carter portraits. After the berserk events of the day romping through Swanson's sporadic and desirable life, a pleasant dormancy is undertaken as he closes his day, “it was fair enough,” he thought.

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