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Store Wars

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A long, long time ago, in a supermarket not too far away…



Deep in Aisle 6, a battle is going on! Princess Lays, and her companions are being chased by Darth Tator and his Eggtroopers. The Republick is fighting valiantly, but they are no match for the Em-pie-re. Princess Lays is captured, throwing the entire store into chaos! Meanwhile, on a distant planet, Cuke Skywalker is training with his mentor, Obi-Wanton Kenobi, when his Astomix droid, Tofo-D2, relays a distress message sent by Princess Lays before her capture. Cuke, finding her very attractive, decides to go rescue her.

“Wait,” said Obi-Wanton. “You can’t go alone. So I’m coming too. Let’s go find my old mentor, Yogurt, to help us.”
So off they went, to Danishbah swamp. There they found Yogurt, who eagerly agreed to help Princess Lays.

“Hey, I’m old, but I’ve still got good taste,” he said. “Why, back in 1945, I had a crush on a lovely milk carton. But, she was spoiled rotten, so I gave up on her.”

“Okay, right,” said Cuke. “Can we go now?”

“Wait,” said Obi-Wanton. “I know some blackberry pie-rates who owe me big time. They could help us with transportation. And I know just where to find them.”
Back to Tatoobean they went. Obi-Wanton lead them to an old, run down salad bar, where they found two fellows sitting in a seat.

“Cuke, Yogurt, may I introduce you to Ham Solo, and his companion, Chewbroccoli.”

“Hey, look Chewie, it’s Obi-Wanton Kenobi. Don’t we owe him a favor,” asked Ham Solo.

“Yes, and it’s time to pay up.”

“All right, old timer, what do you need?”
After a hard bargaining with the twosome, Obi-Wanton finally convinced them to help rescue the morsel in distress.

“So, my old friend, do you have a fast ship,” Obi-Wanton asked.

“Fast!? Fast!? The Mushroomian Falcon made the Casserole Run in less than 12 parsnips. It’ll get you where you need to go.”

“Excellent,” said Obi-Wanton. “Cuke, Yogurt, let’s go rescue the Princess.”


Ham Solo was right. The Mushroomian Falcon hit checkout speed almost immediately. When the warp let go of the ship, the heroes saw something very ominous.

“Look out for that small moon,” warned Cuke.

“That’s no moon,” said Obi-Wanton. “That’s a whoopee pie.”
Suddenly, the Mushroomian Falcon shuddered and began to head toward the creamy center.

“Quick,” said Cuke. “Fly away!”

“I can’t,” exclaimed Ham. “It looks so creamy and inviting! Let’s just take a little bite.”

“Grrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooh,” growled Chewbroccoli.
The Mushroomian Falcon and its passengers were helplessly drawn in to the pies docking bay. It was immediately surrounded by Eggtroopers. They boarded the Falcon, only to find it empty. As the troopers look around the ship, our heroes sneak out the back entrance.

“Now if I were a potato chip captured by eggs, where would I hide,” wondered Ham.

“Not by eggs,” corrected Yogurt. “Something much more sinister.”

“Yes,” agreed Obi-Wanton. “Darth Tator is here.”

“Who,” asked Cuke.

“The dark lord of produce,” said Obi-Wanton. “He’s the one that pickled your father.”

“Oh, how I love family reunions,” said Ham sarcastically. “Now can we go before we all get deep fat fried?”
The 5 friends all split up. Only Obi-Wanton didn’t aid in the search. He snuck away to take a big bite of the treat. Ham and Chewbroccoli got cut off by Eggtroopers. There was only one thing to do. Scramble them!! Yogurt, being 900 years old, looked in the dungeon first. There she was! Lying on a bench in the middle of the room, Princess Lays looked at Yogurt.

“Kinda old for a rescue mission, aren’t you,” asked Lays.

“Hey, I’m still young enough to do this,” countered Yogurt, and he lifted her up upside-down using the Farm, and lifted her back the way he came. Cuke, on the other hand, met a darker figure. He was looking for Lays, when he bumped into the Produce lord, Darth Tator. Literally, bumped into.

“Hey, ow,” whined Tator. “Dumb Egg- Cuke Skywalker!”

“Darth Tator!”
Cuke activated his green lifesaver. Darth Tator activated his red one. The battle was on! Meanwhile, back at the Mushroomian Falcon, the others all met up.


“I couldn’t find the Princess,” lied Obi-Wanton.

“You’ve got icing on your chin,” said Ham.
“I’ve got the Princess,” said Yogurt.

“Yogurt,” exclaimed Obi-Wanton. “Put the Princess right-side up, at least!”

“Hey,” said Ham. “Where’s the kid?”
Then, they saw them. Fighting on a balance scale, dark and light slashed and parried at each other. But, Darth Tator was much slyer. He feinted to the left, and then slashed right, slicing Cuke down the side!

“No,” shouted the friends.

“Cuke,” said Tator. “Did Obi-Wanton really tell you about your father?”

“He told me enough,” said Cuke. “He told me you pickled him!”

“No, Cuke. I am your father.”

“But, that’s impossible,” said Cuke. “I mean, the food groups don’t really match up, do they?”

“That’s not important! Cuke, join me, and we can rule the store as father and son.”

“Noooooooooo! I’ll never join you!”
Cuke, in a desperate effort to escape Tator, jumped off the scale, lowering the weight by about 1.5 pounds. But, that’s not important. Using the Farm, Obi-Wanton and Yogurt lowered Cuke down and into the Mushroomian Falcon.

“So long, sucker!” cried Yogurt.
The Falcon lifted off. The Whoopee Pie shot its icing beams, but the Falcon hit checkout speed just in time. Using the Farm and a little bit of help, the Princess was safe. Unconscious from being held upside-down too much, but safe. Cuke recovered, but never got over what Tator had told him, even with Obi-Wanton’s guidance. The store was safe once more!




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