Bacon Boy

May 20, 2010
By , Cedarburg, WI
In a land not so far away there lived a boy. His name was John Mike Victor-Schmitz-Doodle. But his friends just called him a much more complicated name… Jeff.
Now, Jeff liked sausage, bacon and all other breakfast foods. In fact he adored breakfast foods so much that when he was seven he developed super powers! His fingers could elongate and turn into bacon. Not only were these fingers superb for when Jeff got the munchies, but also for when he needed to grab the remote from across the room. He could robustly shake and slap villains. His arm could also transform into a sausage rocket cannon that was any bad guy’s worst nightmare. His arsenal also included maple syrup laser beams that shot out of his eyes.

When Jeff was twenty he officially became a superhero after four years of super school. He decided his superhero name would be Bacon Boy after his favorite breakfast food.

One day during breakfast while Bacon Boy was chewing his fingers, shooting sausages into his mouth and drinking a piping hot cup of coffee, a midnight black S.U.V. smashed through the window! Bacon Boy was so surprised that he shot a sausage into his eye, spilt coffee all over his shirt and vaporized his cat! Two men stepped out of the car pointing intimidating looking machine guns at him.
“You’re coming with us,” A man grumbled in a strong southern accent.
“Yeah!” agreed the other in a strong Spanish accent.
As all this happened, Bacon Boy slid his now elongated fingers under the table and flipped them and pinned them down. “Who are you?” demanded Bacon Boy. The men floundered.
“Aaaaawwww darn it,” said the southern man, “we’ve erred!”
Then the Spanish man reluctantly groaned, “We’re from Costco, we just wanted sell you some sausages!”
“Oh, sorry the machine guns were kind of intimidating,” Bacon Boy said.
“It’s alright; these are just one of our amazing sausage guns!!” the men exclaimed. Bacon Boy decided to ignore his hunch about the men and they soon arrived at a huge warehouse. As they entered the door, it closed behind them. A man walked up to him and handed him a sausage and said,
“You’re admired everywhere sir!”
“Why thank you young man!” Bacon Boy said. He then passed out.

When he regained consciousness he was still sitting in the enormous room, except he was tied up and no one else was there. Instinctively, he used his elongated fingers to untie himself.

Suddenly a loud voice boomed above him!! “Bacon Boy, a boat will sink in one hour and hundreds of people are on it!!” Bacon Boy didn’t withdraw, instead he stayed focused; he had to preserve the peoples lives!!

He blasted the door off its hinges with his almighty sausage cannon! This was a predicament that needed to be worked out! Before he left he planted a doughnut bomb in the warehouse.

As he drove off the bomb exploded!! He didn’t care; he had lives to save! He reached the highway and swerved through oncoming traffic as they honked and cursed. He heard sirens behind him. The Police were hot on his trail. He swerved into a small alley and kept driving. As he turned corner after corner he finally accepted that he was lost… he also found out that he was in a Ghetto!

The shots started shortly after he got out of the car, one narrowly missing his head. He took cover behind a trash can and readied for battle!! First he took out a porky gangster at the end of the alley with his cannon and vaporized a scrawny one hiding behind a lamp post.

Then, all of a sudden, a very, very muscular gangster charged while Bacon boy was reloading, so our hero stopped and used his enormous fingers to hurl him into the nearest bakery where he was knocked out cold. Then Bacon Boy stole the porky gangster’s GPS and sprinted to his car. He was soon out and steaming toward the harbor.

When he got there tried a few cruise ships but there was no one aboard. He then saw a much larger cruise ship and sprinted towards it. As he galloped up the ramp he noticed party decorations.
“APRIL FOOLS!” yelled all the superheroes as they laughed hysterically at Bacon Boy!
Bacon Boy cursed. He had forgotten about April Fools Day! As he walked out he vaporized them with his laser syrup. He had certainly been fooled!

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Miara said...
May 29, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Nice. That was cool.
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