Losing Myself

By , Pelham, NY
During English class sophomore year one classmate asked me, “Hey, no offense but are you gay?” Suddenly my stomach dropped and my face turned red. Everyone in the back of the classroom turned around to listen to my response. I didn’t know how to respond to this question. I’ve been asked before and my answer was always no. Regardless of how many times I said no, it didn’t make a difference because they never believed me. The worst part of it was that I had been telling the truth.

Sophomore year I was in a new high school. Not to my surprise but to the surprise of others in the new school my first friends were girls. Rumors flew that I was gay. Everyone thought I was gay and this was not true. I promised myself that I would change my friends and that I would change everything about myself in order to stop others from believing the rumor.

I am definitely not like many of the other guys in my school. Walking down the hallways, one expects to see the guys on one side and the girls on the other. Guys hang out together in groups and that goes the same for the girls. I find myself more comfortable around my close girl friends. Actually, I have more friends who are girls than guy friends. Does this make me gay? I don’t think it does, but others think the opposite. To really understand why I feel more comfortable around girls, I have to go back to my childhood. Divorce plagued my family ever since I was in first grade. I lived with my mother. She has always been an independent woman and from this I gained tremendous respect for women. I feel I understand women better than most guys. Because of the connection I have with my mother there is this connection I can make with other women. I feel this special relationship with women that most men are ignorant to acknowledge.


Mistakenly, I kept to my promise. I lost friends and tried to become closer to my male friends. I thought this was magically going to solve my problem. I was lonely and realized that my true friends were my girls, as they were the ones who came to talk to me about my new change. They gave me guidance and helped me realize that I lost good friends because of some lousy rumors. They helped me realize I wasn’t being true to myself. I changed who I was so others would accept me. I was characterized as someone I wasn’t, and I began to lose myself. Now I am a senior and I regret changing myself to become someone I wasn’t. I have learned that one must never change who he is in order to make people accept him. I have grown and I am content with who I am, regardless of the opinions others have on me.





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