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The life and lessons of a thing called Rick

Author's note: My inspiration to write this piece was not only my own mistakes and thought processes, but my...  Show full author's note »
Author's note: My inspiration to write this piece was not only my own mistakes and thought processes, but my mind is explained in ways that most people will understand better than if it was just told verbally, my reason for writing this piece is to not only help me come to see my progress but also teach others how to keep from following in my footsteps.  « Hide author's note
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Diabolical deeds of dishonesty and disrespect

Every teenager wants something, and many sometimes feel like they are entitled to it, so for me the first step was the process of evaluating the situation, and breaking down the obstacles which required skills that when abused in the family dynamic usually meant knowing what you want, finding a way to get it by means of, lying, KISSING SOME MAJOR ASS, sneaking, teenage trickery, some serious MacGyver style problem solving and in some cases stealing which for me was easy to get away with and occasionally resulted in a don’t give a s*** mentality which combined with the amount of time I spend bored as hell meant that I had now reached the stage of becoming a cocky, smartass, snarky, seemingly GENIUS, and most of all rebellious (yet again not so little shithead) teenager, that like it or not many of us that have the uniform "human nature" bestowed upon us at birth recognize all to clearly. When I think of the term “decision” whether it be good or bad a specific analogy typically comes to mind.... think of a snow covered mountain, the peak representing the beginning, it all starts with that first realization that “bad decisions” (lying, manipulating, etc) are just tool in your belt of getting what you want. But when abused it starts that one seemingly miniscule unimportant snowball to roll, now how fast this snowball rolls and how big it gets depends on several factors, how much snow there is (how good you are at manipulating, and how comfortable you get utilizing it) and how many skiers this growing snowball of death picks up and rolls away with (or the number of people that your decisions can eventually effect) so when that snowball finally reaches the bottom of the mountain in a big puff of snow and your ball stops rolling, just think.... how many skiers left at the bottom of your mountain ended up being affected by your "snowball"? Who knows right? But what I failed to realize was that like it or not our legacy lives as long as there are people to remember it. And many of these people are going to be standing at my funeral remembering my life and not only how I interacted with them but what they heard about me and even how I dressed, now sure there’s lots of fond memories and prayers and tears just especially to remember me, but what about the distant people, or even close family that in their head are going there goes the one that we loved, cared for, tried to help, and will love forever, but no matter what sooner or later they will always associate me with that one bad thing I did , or that one lie that I told. Then there’s always AT LEAST one person that whether or not I know it my "snowball" GREATLY affected, or even changed. Huh, even now as I lay in thought writing this with a miniscule 17 years under my belt, I look back with great sadness and think how could I do that!? To family? Friends? Why didn’t I just do that a little different? And to think, that is only the people I remember. And there will always be that greased monkey that can get away with almost everything, BUT the hazards of achieving those shallow selfish goals by getting I want, doing what I want, saying what I want, will always be there, and are not just limited to the people I can affect, but also include the consequences, the work to gain back trust, all that effort spent in that period of time that I felt was all about me, when by now I could have ten if I had just thought it through and taken maybe not necessarily the easier path but a path that everybody could be happy with and not just me? Though the decisions I made were selfish, I honestly couldn't think about them or even utilize the skills to acknowledge that they were, I mean I LITERALLY was not able to think things through, now whether it was because of my ADHD, the familly stress, the pressure from friends, or even a subconsious malfunction that had turned me into a rebellious teenage zombie of sorts, but the KEYWORD to that sentence is the word I so it was still my fault right? Unfortunately, yes, but maybe instead of flying off the handle and labeling me an unruly brat that belongs somewhere else to learn a lesson, why didn’t somebody try to be in my shoes just for shits and grins, or dust off their long lost teenage comprehension and at least attempt to see what i did, why i did it, where i went wrong and help me learn from myself instead of trying to cram it down my throat? Seems to me it would be a lot easier, and yea it would have been, but then again why not just practice at teaching myself, instead of waiting to be spoon fed life lessons like a baby? And the choice seems obvious right?
But at the end of the day whether right or wrong , horribly selfish decisions still got made and there is no changing that, and people still know I did it, and I still carry that judgment on my shoulders, but it took me a long time to realize this. By the end of eighth grade my snowball was MASSIVE and before I knew it it was opening day on the slopes. Over the next few years whether it was telling lies to cover my ass, snagging 5 bucks, being what felt like a mad genius and transferring money from my savings by using my phone, even eating that just AMAZING late night carton of ice cream that wasn’t mine and lying about it , as as my manipulation progressed and my decisions got worse the risks got higher. For example as ashamed as I am to admit this I ended up stealing what I thought at the time in my stupid, impulsive, stupid teen brain was an unnoticeable amount of money that over time turned out to be roughly.... *cough*340$*cough* And I know what you’re thinking, seriously how stupid can he be or I would never do that or that kids poor parents or my child could never do that to me but I was so caught up in doing what I wanted to I actually managed to manipulate myself into completely ignoring logical thinking and eventually I accepted that it would somehow just vanish from my seemingly wealthy in home ATM's uh, I mean parents mind. But little did anybody know that I had slipped so far under that I had lost all ability to think clearly. What most people fail to realize is that this happens to the BEST of people and just like that the angel that used to mow your yard from down the street, or that shy sweet little girl that goes to your church who whether by decision or fate just so happened to make a wrong turn while driving down a very complex 80 year highway, I was stuck. I mean sure it is still my fault completely, but how can anybody judge anybody without first realizing that that one single wrong turn could have been them? All it would have taken was for things to happen even slightly different and they would have found themselves in a similar place. But none the less unfortunately for me I had not yet gained the ability to take responsibility for my actions and like a domino in a line step 2 of this unfortunate cycle begins.
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