My inspiration to write this piece was not only my own mistakes and thought processes, but my...
Show full author's note »
A better understanding
On to the actual LEARNING part. YAY! And I know some of you have stopped reading by now, but for those of you who are, and more importantly those who are looking to change, here is how I accomplished the seemingly impossible. All my life I have been getting advice from the people around me, whether it be family (whom I usually felt were blowing smoke up my ass), Friends, (who had more of an impression but still not quite important enough), and then there’s the good O'le parents.... UGH. First I will start with them. (try to relate to what I say if you can) For my entire life (17 years so far anyways) I have been hearing my parents b**** and nag and piss and moan about how I was, what I should be, what I was doing wrong, what I should have done, what I could have done, how I could be better, and then there is the one saying that always made me feel like my parents were more like a couple in a nursing home, which went to the tune of “back in my day we BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, NAG, NAG”. Which up until now and even sometimes today feels like they crammed a chimney up my bunghole and blew some serious smoke, right? And while this is very well true to most teenagers, kids, and even some adults, for somebody who has accepted that continuing the path he is on will leave him homeless, disabled or six feet underground these attempts to teach me FINALLY (bout damn time) made some sense. One of the biggest things that would eventually make me want to change was a lesson my dad gave me when I was about 14 or 15, and all it was was him telling me about his past, his mistakes, his habits, leaving the nest at 18, and traveling the world with his long flowing hippie hair (no joke) and his mint condition VW bus, and at the time I couldn’t wait for the lesson to be over so I could go do something meaningless, but it was still something I had never forgotten, and looking back on it I started to realize (VERY slowly at first). Once I got the pieces put together , I had a complete realization that HOLY S*** MY DAD WAS JUST LIKE ME! However, it was still a year or so before my stupid ass finally had the notion that WAIT!, hold on a sec.... since my dad was just like me, and I want to be just like him, if I do what he did then I will be happy, or so I thought because one day I confronted him, and what I thought in my teenager mind was a genius plot to be successful, was just another walk down the road of long lost lives, and every couple miles there was some kind of natural disaster, canyon, or mountain to cross. That’s when he gave me the first piece of advice that started the dusty, ungreased, out of the box gears in my dumb head to start turning. And what did he say? He told me the things he should have done, could have done, would have done, wanted to do, and in so many words his regrets, about the first 13 or 14 years of his "new adulthood" (or at least about 16 or 17 until from what I pieced together was sometime around the day I was born) and other than the fact that this was like being shot in the head with a "thinking" bullet from a barret 50 cal (yes :) that was a COD reference), this turned my "want to change" into more of a "yea I should probably turn the wheel to keep from hitting that bus in an all-out speed race and wrecking not only my life, my health, my future, and who can forget THE S*** TON OF MONEY I PLANNED ON MAKING IN MY FUTURE". However, at the time, combined with my lack of judgment the speed was like a shot of testosterone, and a red hotiron following me a little faster than I thought I could run, what I’m trying to say is in that moment I was free! Or in words that I would understand better I realized the meaning of YOLO! But in actuality the want to be free had driven me so mad that I actually thought I was, so each day, I dipped my foot in to the black hole, and before I knew it, I was an explorer in a very knew unknown place, at first it was my leg, then my waist, then my neck, then as i started to feel like i was freefalling and the only thing that could stop me was the ground that seemed years away, I was saved by an angel Disguised as what seemed like the end of my miniscule teenage world (AKA when my parents smartened up and "got a clue"), but I began to think as I lay in my bed alone at night with my thoughts (because all the fun s*** was taken out of my room, after the ass-beating of a life time, which ALL RESPONSIBLE PARENTS SHOULD UTILIZE) I eventually decided that I would never, ever, EVER! Make the same mistakes again, and that lead me to deciding to do better in school, and treat my little s*** of a brother how I deep, deep, in the darkest abyss of my heart felt like he deserved to be treated. And I’m sure you are just DYING to know (not really) did this (also a little s***) teen get his act together and decide to fly the line to success? HAHA! HELL NO. As soon as my parents loosened the noose around my nuts I, thinking I could use what I did wrong and not do it again still went back to do the same stupid s***. Again. And again. And again. Etc. You catch my drift. And each time my parents got on their noble steed, roped their young bull by the horns, and proceeded to drag him back to the stable where they thought they could penetrate his progressively thickening rock hard, steel plated skull and shoot him up with a hurricane cocktail of common sense, problem solving, decision making, you know, all the stuff that most teenagers in my situation would fight till the death reassuring themselves that oh, I will change, grow up, get smarter, try to learn something, WHEN I AM DAMN GOOD AND READY not realizing that it's not quite so easy, (and by this point I could fool myself better than the dumbest person I know) Therefore steepening the uphill battle called Taming the wild beast, or in layamens terms, teaching your little pride and joy (*cough* not so little shithead *cough*) the lessons and morals he will need to eventually spread his unstable wings, and use his (momentarily) limited life skills, to leave the nest and hopefully keep flight to a happy future, and eventually a fulfilling life just like EVERYBODY wants for themselves right? WRONG, The only thing that my mind was operating on at this very shallow state of being, is what I like to call the process of M.E.R.P.R (not a real word) and what is this you ask? Well it is the long repetitious cycle of the following.