Where did you go Daddy?
Author's note: I bottled up my feelings for years until they just came flooding out, and this is my way of... Show full author's note »
What friend do I have now? When you were the only friend I needed.I lost a friend today daddy. I cried today daddy. I miss you today daddy.
Who's to tell me I don't need guys in my life? Who's going to tell me they'll shoot the guy who broke my heart? Who's gonna scare him off when he tries to say sorry? Who's going to explain why guys are stupid? Who's going to tell me that the only guy I need in my life is him? I don't know. Come find me when you find out. I feel lost. Whenever I get hurt I immediately turn to my daddy. What hurts me is not the drama, not the guy who left me, the friend who hurt me, but my daddy who isn't there to heal my heart when it breaks. I can't hear him ramble on about how there's other fish in the sea, or you have me, and that's the only friend you need. Where's my friend now? I love how after his speech and my tears he would blast some kind of rock music and all of a sudden everything that was hurting me would disappear and none of it would matter anymore. None of it mattered with him. Just me and my daddy. I wander what he would think of my life today, and if he would be disappointed. Disappointed in the failed friendships iv'e had, the guys iv'e took back after their first sorry, my lack in trust in friends. Disappointed in how iv'e stopped listening to him. Well I can't hear his voice. It disappeared, not able to teach me right and wrong. Did you know that I miss your voice daddy? Are my ears broken? Because I can't hear you anymore? I miss your laugh. Your laugh that made me laugh when I was sad.
I pity those friends who make fun of me after a fight, knowing what I go through and deciding to add more pain to my empty heart. I pity them because I care not for their words, but for the lack of my fathers. One of their I hate you's, makes me miss one of my dad's I love you's. One of their don't talk to me anymore, makes me miss one of my dad's I miss you's.
Everything builds up. God should have created me with a bigger heart because this one is so fragile. I start to wander if there is anyone left who can love me like my father. I love my father. He had the biggest heart, none could compare. It's really funny because my dad thought he didn't have any friends. I wish he could have been there. At his funeral. I hate funerals. Everyone was crying, something he would not have liked, but it was filled with love. They were all there for him. I think he knew he had friends, but I think he was trying to teach me that you don't need them, because in the end the only ones who care for you are the ones who love you. My daddy taught me a lot of things, but this was the most important one. My daddy was strong. He made me strong.
You grow up a lot within the years. First you want to run away. Of course you may pack your bags, get on your bike your daddy taught you to ride, but never get as far as the gate. That gate that guards you from the real world. Then you go to your daddy. His warm hands make you feel safe and protected, in a better way then a gate does. A gate cant hug you in tight and kiss your forehead, and call you his butterfly. The gate stays, it can't die, or decay. Where do you go when you have neither? My house has no gate. Well, you don't go any where. You stay. Stay where you are and breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
Ill never be alone. No matter where I am my daddy will be with me. There's times where I cry for hours and hours again on the cold tile floor in my bathroom, alone. Only the sound of my tears running down my soft cold cheeks. My tears are warm. I feel you with me. I wish you were here to wipe my tears, and to listen to my pathetic story of how I lost a friend, so I do. I tell you. Your not here, but I know your listening. It helps, talking to you. You cant hug me, you can't kiss me, you can't tell me its okay, but you can listen. In that moment I feel like my life isn't worthless, I feel like I have something to live for, and when its my turn and i'm old and tired of pain, i'll have to give in, and i'll meet you in heaven. The first thing i'll do daddy, is tell you I love you. Then ill bore your ears with my many words, you'll tell me it's all okay, and well sing some tunes. Do they have music in heaven?