I wrote this mostly as a coping method, and to get it out of my soul. Most people don't know...
Show full author's note »
I did a lot of thinking over the next few days. I found that I wasn’t really attracted to David anymore. He had hurt me so much, that all I saw in him was his potential to harm me, not to love. When someone is constantly putting you down and disagreeing with you, it’s hard to love them. I had told him that at camp, the girls cabins had air conditioning. He thought it was unfair and stupid that the girls got cool air, and the boys had to suffer in the heat. I told him that that was just the way it was, but he acted like it was my fault. He even swore about it. David had told me back when we first started dating that he only swore when he was really upset. I figured that if he was mad enough to swear at me, that was not a good thing, or something I should take lightly. I asked him why he was so upset about such a little thing, and he couldn’t give me an explanation. Then a few weeks later I was talking to him about a time my family had ordered food at Dairy Queen, and my dad had commented on sweat dripping off of a kid there as he handed my dad a Blizzard. David swore as he told me how hot it got in Dairy Queen, and he said it was stupid of my dad to say it was gross to see sweat dripping off of someone. I obviously tried to stand up for my dad, but I didn’t want to make David more mad, so I kept my mouth hut as tight as I could. Who was this imposter? I felt like I didn’t know him at all. I was getting really tired of how he was treating me. I finally stood up for myself. One night I had him come over to my house, and we talked. Eventually I told him that I had something to say that he wasn’t going to like, and that I was so sorry, but it had to be done. I told him I would miss him, but that breaking up with him would be what I thought was best for us. He put up a fight, whining about how he would try harder, if only I would think about this a little bit more. I told him I already had, and there was nothing else to think over, I was done. He kept saying he was so sorry, if only he had tried harder, maybe this wouldn’t be happening. I agreed with that, maybe if he had tried harder, he wouldn’t be losing me. I had finally convinced myself I deserved something better than a guy who only brought me down. I had finally stood up to David and told him that he wasn’t good enough for me. David kept trying to talk me out of my decision, but I didn’t back down, I stood firm. Eventually he left, and I cried, thinking I would never see him again. On one hand, I was ready for that, but on the other, I had spent so much time with David that I felt lost without him. I cried myself to sleep, and the night went by fitfully. I woke up feeling depressed and out of sorts. It felt weird to wake up and boot up my computer, only to find a bunch of junk mail in my inbox. It was hard to concentrate on anything. I tried reading, doing chores, taking a nap, but my thoughts kept returning to David. Mid afternoon, I couldn’t take it anymore. I picked up my phone and typed out a text. I told David I missed him, and I knew there was no way he would take me back after what I had done to him, but that if he would, I wanted him back. Two minutes later I got a text back. He was at work, but he would get off at ten. He could come over then if I liked. I said that would be fine. I eagerly awaited his arrival, and when ten o clock came, I felt nervous, like I had when I went on my first date with him. When he drove up, I rushed out to the front porch. He walked up the driveway, and shyly looked up at me. “I’m all gross and sweaty, so you don’t want to hug me” he announced. I shrugged and laughed, “That’s ok, I just wanted to apologize face to face” I said. That was all it took, and seemingly, we were both okay again.
It was as if our love for each other had been renewed. I think we both felt it, this rush of new love. It almost seemed like being apart and “losing” each other for a day had done something to benefit us. We still didn’t find that much to talk about, but at least we enjoyed being together. I also found that I appreciated David more, now that I had been without him for most of a day. Even though he still seemed to put me down often, I was able to feel more forgiving to him since I knew how bad he wanted to be in a relationship with me. Our new found love went on for about a week, and then I felt like I was slipping back into my resentment of him. I would mention something, and David would get all defensive, saying how he didn’t think this would work, or that maybe it wasn’t such a great idea. I had posted something recently on Facebook about a search engine I used. When you search, sometimes you win “Swagbucks” and when you collect enough “bucks” you can then use them to buy stuff in the “swagstore.” Well, I had posted a link on Facebook, to try and refer some of my friends, because if you refer a friend, not only do they win Swagbucks, but for every one they win, you win one too. David didn’t sign up under my link, but he installed the toolbar and did some searches on it, and won ten Swagbucks. The next time he came over to my house he asked me about the search engine, and if I used it, telling me it had to be a scam. Well, I had been using this site for about three months now, and had even won enough prizes to receive a free $5 Amazon Gift-card. I told him this, but he still acted like it was stupid for me to use it, and that he used Google, and it was much better. I told him that it worked good for me, and if I could get free stuff for browsing the internet, that was cool with me. I still got the impression that he didn’t approve of how I searched the internet, but I brushed it off. It was really none of his business.
A few nights after this episode, David and I were talking on the phone, and he made a rude comment to me. I had had enough once more. I couldn’t take this emotional and verbal abuse, along with my eating struggles. MY mom confronted me the next day, after I had been prayerfully considering letting David go again. She asked me what was going on in our relationship, and I told her I really didn’t know anymore. I made a list of all the things he had said and done, and told her that I really didn’t feel like he was working out anymore. She also voiced her concern about how thin David was getting, saying that she didn’t think that could be easy for me, and I agreed. IT was hard to feel encouraged by him when he was starting to restrict his food and I was trying to increase my intake. She told me that she thought the best thing I could do would be to break up with him. “Thank you” I said sincerely. “I think I needed someone else to tell me to do it, because I wasn’t sure if it was the correct thing to do”. My mom told me that I should tell my dad what had been going on, to see what he thought. When my dad came home for his lunch break, I told him how I felt, and what had been happening. He said “yeah, you need to stop seeing him, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t get back together with him ever again”. I felt like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I hadn’t realized how stressed out I had been for the past few days, but looking back I realized how down and tired I had been. I had felt exhausted, but hadn’t really done anything too intense. I wasn’t really hungry, even though I knew I should’ve been. Even though I was on antidepressants, I still felt depressed. David was not good for me.
I logged on to Facebook, and wrote David a quick message, no apologies, just the facts. He didn’t deserve my sympathy, because he was the one that was making me feel so horrible. I admit, it was kind of cheesy to break up over a social media website, but I didn’t want to talk to David face to face, or even hear his voice. I just wanted out. The past few nights I had slept fitfully, and I was really looking forward to a good nights rest. When I checked my messages later in the day, I saw that David had replied saying that he was sorry, and that he never should’ve said the things he had to me. It was all his fault, and he understood that I never wanted to speak to him or see him again. He said he was so mad at himself, and he said he hated what he had become. I did too. He wasn’t who he was when we first started dating. He was an inconsiderate jerk who only lived to please himself, and I was oh so happy to be rid of him. I was done going back to Mr. Vomit.
David still had a job at Dairy Queen, and my family still ate there. One night I want to DQ with one of my friends and my sister. I saw David’s car in the parking lot and my heart started beating faster. My friend realized her mistake in offering to take us to DQ, and apologized. I said “Oh no, it’s ok, I can tough it out”. We went inside and ordered, fortunately David was in the back, but I did see him. I glared at the back of his head for a while, and then turned away. He made me sick just thinking about him. The day before he had posted something on Facebook to make it look like he regretted the fact that he had done what he did, and then a bunch of his “friends” that were girls had commented, saying they loved him. He had commented back that he loved them too. That made me furious, and I deleted him as my “friend”. A few weeks later, after he returned to college, he started posting things on a mutual friends wall, just random nerdy stuff, trying to make himself look so special. I wanted to comment and tell him no one cared. The last I knew, he was still claiming to be so depressed, he was considering suicide, and now he was posting stupid information on someone’s Facebook wall. I wanted to hurt him so badly, but only in my thoughts. I really had no desire to ever see him again.
Life went on. Even though I would always hold a piece of David inside me, I still knew that I was better off without him. Now, when I see Asian men, I shiver in horror, wondering how I had ever been attracted to David. It’s not that I’m racist, I just don’t know why I ever thought it would work out between me and a guy that was more of a wimp than I was. I needed a man that was strong, and manly, one I could admire for being a male figure, and not feminine.In my few years I have lived, I have learned many things, and been hurt many times. I try not to feel remorse about my experiences, but sometimes when I overanalyze, I do get regretful. I wish I could live my life over, but don’t many of us feel that way? Everyone makes mistakes, and I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Too many years of my life were spent trying to live perfectly, and since no one is perfect, that didn’t go over well at all. Most days I live with joy and peace, but I still struggle sometimes to find balance.