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Diary Of An Ironic Girl

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~Entry One

May 14, 2010

Dear Journal,

Today is my birthday and I turned 17 finally. I wanted to wait and write in you when I had a fancy ink pen but I had to write in you on my birthday b/c today’s the day I got you. I wanted a different journal that I saw online but I love this one just the same b/c my mom picked it out and I rather save the other one for my graduation present. HAHA!

Well today is Friday and my birthday and it’s rainingL not really sad b/c I love the rain I wish I could go play in it but I’ll most likely get sick. No thank you:{

This year has flown by so fast---I mean as in school year. I’m a junior at Camelot High School in Camelot, Texas. This year is the one I know I’ll never forget after graduation. This has been a crazy WACKADOO!!! year. Not only academically but socially and there have been a lot of interesting things happening. Let me start from the beginning---the very first day of school---I’ll try to remember everything and try to tell you everything exactly happened.

Well this year we didn’t have enough money to get my hair braided at the beginning of the year as usual so I went natural but looked beautiful. I have 8 periods 1- Dance 2-Mentoring 3- English III DC 4- World History Honors 5- Computer Systems 6- Geometry Honors 7- Spanish III 8- Chemistry.

All my teachers are pretty good. I have a new director in Dance. She’s younger and more upbeat and can really be fun at times she has helped us --- tremendously and our pep rallies have been so much better than last year.

I’ve made a lot of new friends and---I guess you can say---have moved up in the social pyramid---in plain English: I’ve gotten a lot popular. People that I’ve never thought I would talk to, hang out, or be friends w/ I am doing that.

But one person has affected my year the most. His name is Tad . As I went to each of my classes I would check out who was all in them. I walked in and sat down and looked around and I didn’t see anyone that I hung out w/ in there. Tad was in this class. This was 3rd period English III DC. Next was 4th period World History Honors I walked in and sat down and as others walked in I checked out who was in the class. Tad was in this class as well. I didn’t take notice of him until I went to my next class. 5th period Computer Systems we were told to sit in a circle of chairs. I sat down then I saw him sit down and I thought to myself. “Dang! I swear I just had him in my other class. Maybe not.” There was C lunch then I headed to 6th period Geometry Honors. I looked around and I was so happy to see Tara & Jackie & Carol in there. Tad was not in this class. But he was in 7th period Spanish III however. And he sat behind me. “How many classes did I have with this dude?” By Wednesday I found out I had four classes with him. That day in 5th period we started working in vocabulary. Everybody went to the drafting tables that lined the walls. Mine was in the “up” position so I was told to put it down. Unfortunately, it was stuck like somebody glued it. “We can share this one” Tad said. I just nodded and got a chair and sat down. I started writing and I guess he writes slow b/c I was halfway through. “Dang! Why you writing so fast? Slow down so I can catch up.” He says. I just look at him and smile. He had a strong country accent but not like---hillbilly country---but like cowboy/rancher country. I liked it. Anyways sometimes my mind wonders and I start to doodle. I drew an eye b/c I’ve been practicing on human features when I sketch. I was smiling and admiring my work and I looked up and he was watching me and looking at the eye I drew. I just smiled awkwardly and went back to work. I was really quiet b/c it was the first week of school & I never talked to anybody in that class before.

That whole week we had to sit in a circle in that class. We had to tell things about ourselves. I hated doing that--- it just felt weird & I hated not sitting at desks. ***I’m very self-conscious about my thighs.*** Anyways we kept doing more book work. Then every day was a free day. Basically the whole first semester. One day I came in and sat down in one of the chairs in the circle. I can’t remember which one sat down next to me first Mark or Tad. But Mark sat down on my left and just looked at me. Tad sat down on my right and he did that head thing like “Waz up?” I just smiled. I felt so uncomfortable and crowded w/ them both one on either side---I felt trapped. They both said little comments and remarks---I can’t remember any of them---but I know I was caught off guard but I couldn’t help smiling.

As I said everyday was a free day from then on. So every day I came into 5th period and went to one of the drafting tables and put my bag down. Then I went to the computer that was right next to it. [I did this everyday—same table—same computer] I can’t remember how it all started but Tad & Mark sat over there w/ me too. Anyways I always got in the class before them, put my bag down and logged-on the computer, went to myjellybean.com, looked up my horoscope, then logged-off. When they finally came to class we all sat at that same table. Soon we all became good friends. We talked & laughed about stupid stuff and even told a part of our life stories. But the most thing we did or they did was interrogate me!!! They would ask me every personal question there was from sex to pads. I know WACKADOO!!! right.

Well as the semester went on we all got close especially me and Tad. Like I said I would come in every day and put my bag down but then Tad started coming in every day and hugging me from behind. So every day I came in put my bag down Tad would come up behind me and hug me. I love his hugs. Well it’s my senior year 11/24/10 and I still wish he hug me like he used to. I feel like crying. You see I feel in love with him and we don’t speak to one another at all anymore. I was about to tell everything that happened between us my junior year but it just hurts too much to repeat it for the hundredth time. I hate admitting, saying, writing, and even thinking “I love him” about Tad. Gosh, I’m trying so hard to hold back tears. I mean, we haven’t talked since May 21, 2010. But I can’t stop thinking about him. And if I do I know he’s still in the back of my mind.

Lately everybody has been telling me I’m very secretive, frozen, cold-hearted or mean or that I’m boxed up. Even a teacher said it. But Tad was the first person to tell me that. I’ve never thought that about myself. Tara said it to me but only when I asked her. It just seemed last year that he knew everything about me. I would try to hide what I was thinking or feeling but he always knew. I miss him---I mean I see him every day at school---but I miss talking to him. You know his voice got deeper I heard it when I was in the theater during his class. It hurts so so so bad. I tried to forget him and even thought I did at one point. Tell myself & friends that I don’t like him (love him) anymore and I even believed it myself. But if I didn’t then why do I still think about him and his impact on me I’m so grateful for it too! I know what love feels like---I thought I never would---but thanks to him, Tad, I do. Love---it’s the worst feeling to have for someone when you don’t have it in return.

Now things are seeming useless to me now. Without love I feel empty & useless and pathetic. I feel as if my life is worthless. I want to say hi or give him a hug but I keep picturing him looking at me like I’m crazy. HAHA:D! I just wish it was like before. Him grabbing my hand and just holding it. Him singing a country song to me. Him wearing my bracelet. Him kissing me on my head and say, “What!?! I just gave you a kiss”. I’m losing the memories of all those good times and I don’t want to! I need them.

At night I wonder if he ever thinks about me. B/c I think about him at least once a day. And I keep having this little flicker of hope—no—a gnawing knowing in the pit of my stomach that he loves me back or at least likes me. I regret not going out to eat w/ him. And ignoring him and distancing myself from him. I wanna be close to him. I miss him. I miss him so much. Am I really in love with him? Is this what love feels like? Where you ache to see and touch him or talk to him? Where you hide or run from him? Where you stay up til 3a.m. and cry over him? Where you cry for no particular reason at all? Where you write a ten page entry in your journal about him? Where you try to get into a college in a different state to forget about him? Where you hope he talks to your friends about you b/c you don’t have any classes with him? Where your heart is frozen and you won’t let another guy in because you still “have hope”? Where you busy yourself and over work and over tire yourself to get him out of your mind? Where you eventually write a story about him and win an Academy (or whatever) award for the book? Where you go in depression for a reason unknown to you or just won’t admit to yourself?

I don’t really know but I refuse to fall in love again Ha which I can’t if I already am in love. And refuse to get married since you can’t get married to a person you don’t love. Tell me, What is love? Will I ever get him out of my mind and every thought? Will I ever stop thinking and just let go?

I’m 17. Ha I’m 17. How can I be in love? Many Adults would probably ask this question. I’ve teared up many times as I wrote this incredibly long entry but haven’t actually let the tears just flow.

Now I’m doing and saying crazy things. Telling friends I want a man in my preferred age range of 22-35! It would be incredibly exciting and I wouldn’t fall in love I know.

I gotta stop not its getting too hard to stop crying!

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