Inside the Mind of a Bastard Child

March 27, 2011
By Marieweibel BRONZE, State College, Pennsylvania
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Marieweibel BRONZE, State College, Pennsylvania
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Author's note: I want to write this to free others to tell their stories and to encourage them that they are not on this earth alone and destitute. No matter what hand you are dealt in this life you can make it if you really want. Even when you feel you have failed or feel like you are stuck in one place, useless, alone, untalented, unqualified for success, undeserving of love or any other label you can slap on yourself you are nothing short of perfectly designed. Each and every person has a story to share and if we all shared ours we would break down the walls that isolate us in our pain and see that maybe this world was created to be more then a holding cell imprisoning us into a life of meaninglessness.

The author's comments:
This poem outlines my life.

I've traveled a broken road
I was born along its winding paths and seemed drawn to its darkened ways
I could hide among its banks and shed my tears behind its trees
Like the wind I was swift to destroy but gentle in nature and soft in approach
Lonely was my silent world but solitude kept my secrets safe
Inside the forest lurked monsters tall and strong
Feeble arms of youth did fail me
Legs quick, with toughened feet could still not help in making an escape for me

As my heart dismayed and my hope deferred I became even less than a name
I learned the ways to live like the shadows of my nightmares did
I took pleasure from the sweet words of tender birds
Found mild peace in the sun's beams
Could whisper loud enough to led a few strangers under my covering of leaves
But never did I trust enough to be lead away by the fleeting feet of my company
I was rooted to the earth with great loyalty

It wasn't until a rescuer came searching for me did I hear or see that there were other possibilities
He brought a light with Him and led the way
I experienced joy within His embrace
The cold barely nipped my nose
I walked, I ran, I crawled, but most of all He carried me..... away
I never saw the forest sing as I did underneath His wings
I now walk a lit but narrow path
Every step is safe and clear as along as I cease to stray
Those who made my knees weak call out from somewhere but I dare not find out from where
Painful things have since ambushed me on my way but I let my Savior save every day

I live without shame
My bruises and scares He has overcome
I feel abandoned no more
For my Lord has given me:
women on watchtowers for when I teeter or stumble
Men on horses with arrows to enter the battle before me
A family that extends past the norm
And a home where His name reigns above all

What more could I ask for?
How much more could I want?
I have a unconditional love all my own
Songs to sing and a friend for every time of need
Eternity is before me and glory resided in me
What is left of life now is to see who will come and join me
And to free those who see only the looming of darkness that is behind me

I am Bastard Child, Yes, that's exactly what I said.
Bastard
If you are offended or feel violated you have no right to be
This name is simply the title given to me
Truthfully my name is Marie

Marie Angelique Poss

My father is not my own and credited me the nick name
His name is Gene Donald Poss
For all the things I hate, one thing I am grateful for
He gave me a last name
Another to recall is he gave my infant self a place to be...seeing as mother left me
She left me with my sister Rachael who belongs by blood to both
I have nine brothers and three sisters if we don't count DNA too carefully
I grew up mostly though with Rach
The others acting like a passerby. . . . in and out of my life

My mother is a whore
A druggy, and a drunk
Her hand hits hard and her words are sharp

My now father is a drinker
He likes coke, meth, heroin and pot
He yells a whole lot and hesitates not a single second to hammer a mistake

He has a problem keeping his hands to himself
He seems to believe sexual acts are for everyone
He has been to prison enough to call it home
He killed a kid at thirteen and his sarcasm is more than mean

Now that you know the basic details of my start
I'd like to begin with a description of me
Keep in mind however this is younger me
The first pictures of my growing up years and not who I am to become

I plan to take you through these pages
Each memory and tale
Know that I will grow as the stories go
And my circumstances start here with these details
But they don't stay the same...









My eyes are bright green
Bits of ocean blue eliminate the rim and golden brown burst from the center
My lips are full and a rose color
My skin is smooth and white with hints of pink
My facial features rounded with childish chub
My nose and cheeks freckled
My body short and broad
My hair sandy brown readying itself to darken

I am fearlessly adventurous
I am terrified of people
I will be silent until I am forced
When I talk I talk a lot
I am sarcastic and a smart-aleck
I scream and kick walls
I do not want your affection
I do not want to be touched
I will disappear into the wall

I hate the dark and despise when people yell
I have trouble in school
I have a gap in my front teeth
I have had long hair and a rat tail

Kids call me trailer trash
Motherless and dirt

I roll my eyes a lot
I can run very fast
My temper has the better part of me
And I see the world as a challenge that I will beat



















So Hello!
Welcome to my brain
Welcome to the dwelling place of my secret sins and shames
Prepare yourself
For this is the heart of a Bastard Kid

Her name is Rachael
Rachael Elizabeth Poss

She looks like our mother
And looks like her father
With her long brown hair
Thick like a horse's mane
Skin tanned with the brown of a Mexican Indian
Her eyes round but small
Forest colored green, sparkling with bits of rich gold
Her lips soft and pink
Upper lips thinner and lower lip full
Face pleasantly rounded
Ears petite and dainty
Her frame taller, and slim
Her hands small and fragile
Her heart on her sleeve
Her mind consistently “torturing' me

One Year and Three months older
Two Years in School
Close to me and yet so very different indeed
Always ready to please
Sensitive and caring
Fearless around peers
Nice, intelligent and perfectly acceptable to all
My beautiful sister
Is perfect

She is motherly and gentle
Her words are calm and soothing
And she can always get us out of trouble

She has a tendency to fidget when she's nervous
Cry around our dad
But really she is braver than I'll ever be

She will do anything without pausing to think
She has a great power of authority and a manipulative mind
She doesn't seem bothered by anyone's stares
She is exactly who I wish I could be

She has an easy smile that lights up her eyes
A giggle that draws people near
And she is the first person my dad goes to for everything

Jess
Jess Scaggs
He is living in a home for delinquent or crazy boys
His favorite game's Monopoly
His father was married to our mutual mother
His eyes are blue and his hair a sand like color
He is 6'3 and currently about 16
He wears glasses to correct his naturally crossed eyes
Someday He will come live with us but not right now













John


His hair is dark
He is Rachael's full brother
He is my half
John Poss
He is older then Rach maybe a year and a half or two
He is our brother but is going to be raised by others
We only get to see him today
We walk down the street
He stands with a lady
We give him a hug our mother nearby
His warm brown eyes are cast on the ground
I concluded that he is taller then we are just as it's time to leave
I ask why John can't stay with us
My little heart aches for the playmate I barley knew
My mother responds by telling me he simply must go
Inquisitive as I am I ask another source
I asks dad
He tells me John fears to be around men
I look up at him utterly confused
He responds by telling me the exact details of my brothers abuse
My shoulders dropped with the swelling sadness of things I was to young to have understood
My mother's male friend's actions have taken away my brothers innocence
That man's filthy ways cost my brother a space in our home
But his presence, is remembered, his named recorded and his picture in the frame forever

My Father is 6`3
His skin is tanned seeing as he was bred Mexican Indian
He is strong
He is built
His shoulders broad
His eyes a golden brown that change with his mood
Bushy black eyebrows arch spontaneously upward above his tired glare
His hands are calloused, made for putting up buildings, tearing down walls, roofing and painting 12 hours a day, working the land, feeding the farm animals, chopping wood, and so much more
His skin looks worn like 50 some years of work, but handsome still to much younger eyes
His teeth are perfectly straight... but a careful inspection shows he wears dentures
Years of drinking and drugs have worn his real ones away
He has multiple tattoos
The middle finger is in the center of his chest in a mold like color
This particular one he says declares his philosophy
My father is bald
I would assume if he had hair it would be a black color but as far as I know no one has seen it in many years
He is thin but not weak
Women have always loved his laugh and his mystery
He has a quick wit and an artistic hand
He is stubborn and aggressive but slip him some drinks and he'll bawl like a baby
I don't really know much about him
He tells me about the women he's had in his life
The different children and his multiple list of wives
He talks about the guys he has killed
The pain and misery he has seen
He talks about how his father beat him
How his one sister died and the other ran off with a black man
His brother's in Texas
He claims he is good at math
He loves oldies and met Kiss
It's all a very confusing mess
He smokes like a fiend
Swears like crazy
And drinks coffee that stains his mustache
He hates being called Father, but loves being Dad, or Dada
My head spins to explain him but this is the best of my ability
Maybe someday he will share the rest





Standing in a metal diner (the feelings are strong)
The picture is fuzzy even know
But the feelings remain strong
Anger
Embarrassment
Confusion
And a whole lot of shame

Everyone is staring
Why are they staring?
What are we doing wrong?

My father stumbles around the room
He is yelling, laughing, and gesturing as he speaks
I have seen him this way before... but why doesn't it feel the same?

“Always leave a tip!”
“Bring me pancakes! Bring the f-ing pancakes, now!”
“Oh, sweet girls of mine do you know your mother loves pancakes?”

My who loves pancakes? I think as I watch
Oh right.... My mother!
She's coming today!
Supposedly, I'll like her, she is apparently mighty nice

The waitress seems angry
The room seems to spin
My sister and I trail out the door behind him, to go bags in hand
We hop in the car and settle in for home
In my head I wonder why we did not stay
We never ate a thing...
We ordered at the table but we left before it came

Lights,
Sirens,
Swearing coming from the wheel
“Don't you dare tell them I was drinking!!”
“You hear me? I was not drinking!”
“Understand?”

I look down and see the bottle rolling
The liquid clear
The label reading Vodka
I slid my foot down and kick it
Under the drivers seat it rolls

As the police man walks to the car it clicks
This, this drink makes him act this way
It's a secret
Something meant for others not to know
What he does others mustn't...
I feel ashamed
I question whether my mother knows?
And how long he will be away....






Who is this man?
Isn't that my mother?
Shouldn't she be with my dad?
They are lying in a sleeping bag....
Smoke fills the room
I am standing in the door watching them laugh
Glasses sit on the table
She gets up to give me a hug

“Hey baby girl.”
“I am your mother.”
My dad steps past me pancakes in hand
He kisses my mother
Shakes the man's hand

This feels very wrong....
Rachael stands beside me hand in my hand
We walk to our room





What a year of discovery
My young age can hardly handle it
My mother's not Wonder Woman
She is barely a decent lady

She smokes a great smelling plant
She smokes awful cigarettes
She drinks that nasty clear liquid
She yells a great deal

My mother won't stay at the house
She stays across the street
She watches me sometimes, unless she is dead asleep
Her boyfriend is kind of scary and she makes my dad rather angry
I am not sure she likes me and Rachael but what can I do?

She hits with great force
Loudness drives her crazy
She will slash a cut into your back with a belt if she pleases
Her words are foul and her temper worse





That boy is yicky yicky yicky
He wants to kiss me
I know he still wets the bed
I know he likes to take his pants off and show himself
I will not be kissed by that thing
I think I will climb this tree
Up high where he and no one else can reach
My favorite place to be
He is scared of the trees
Crap I am stuck
I can't get down
Hot liquid runs down my face
There stands the boy
There parked is the fire truck
A ladder and a man help me down
This is a mortifying day




This bed is giant and fluffy
Rachael is lying next to me
I can't recall what was so funny but it must have been something

I can hear the footsteps coming down the hall
Each foot like lead on the carpeted floor
I sense the handle turning as my mother bursts through the door

“I told you to shut the ==== up!!
And it's true she had several times indeed
But everything was just so funny

I notice the flash of metal as she flies across the room
She rips back the covers and yanks at our arms
Once we are out of the bed she leans us over the side
“This is for all the noise!”

Every move of her arm brings down the belt
Once across my back, once across Rachael's
Every hit the pain intensify and every cry multiplies
I can feel the sting in my once laughing eyes
As the welts rise my spirit becomes frail
And as I tired to sleep that night I could feel the heat sinking into my sheets





It is so cold
My teeth are chattering
My tears are streaking my face with ice
Rachael looked deeply disappointed
Her little body shivering against the wind

Why is no one here?
The sky is growing gray
Night is slowly approaching
We have been here since school let out

The snow is to my upper thigh and more is pouring down
Mother should have been here
Father should have picked up

The office is closed
My feet are soaking
I hate this day
I hate my existence

I feel the last bits of hope in me slipping away
I hear the roar of the evening snow plow rolling down the road
I look up when the noise stops
There sits my dad's boss on top of the plow

His eyes flash with a look of annoyance
He asks what we are doing
Rachael responds in the weakest of voices
He informs us that he will give us a ride home





Goodbye?
What?
Where are you going?
Mother hugs us and walks away
I study the brick building
The glass doors in the front have a look of importance

We stand there and wait
I am not sure what we are waiting for
I kick a stone and let my mind wonder to play
After awhile a lady in a suit takes my hand in hers
She offers her other hand to Rach

We wait for what seems like forever in this tiny waiting room
The lady comes back her heels tapping the carpet
She puts us in a car and we drive away from the building
I have no idea where we are going
I watch the trees pass by and the roads turn
The sun is fading as we pull into a drive way

We enter the house and this women starts talking about us living here
The mother of the house shows us our room
We will share with her oldest daughter, her in her own bed, us on bunk beds
Why are we here?

Part two

The boy in this house is mean
He goes around yelling, throwing things, and taking Rach's ladder away so she's stuck
The girl likes me to sleep in her bed
She tells me there are spirits in the room and she's scared
I am glad we weren't there long
Months perhaps but not too many

I honestly remember very little
My dad has us back again!

My dad's boss had helped get us back
Mom said she feared for us
Dad was unsafe
She was unfit



Where is my Barbie doll?
It came from my mom
It's pretty and perfect
My favorite gift
I can't find it anywhere

Mom where is my doll?
You gave it away!
To who?
The neighbor girl?
Oh....



For so much trouble I had some normal days
I went to the carnival like other kids
I road the faris-wheel while crying
Found out spin rooms weren't for me
And fell in love with the swings

My dad made homemade bread and pie
I was allowed to play with the neighbor kids
I watched my father dance around the room like a loon
I saw my mother laugh
I even heard her sing

I crashed on bikes
Got stuck in trees
Played socially inappropriate games
Loved my toys and holidays

I collected bugs
Had pet snakes
Cats
Rats
A raccoon
Dogs
Hamsters and a skunk
To just to name a few

I could fly kites
I played jump rope
I even had a see-saw in my yard for awhile

Yes, I had normal days of childhood play
I played on the jungle gym
I enjoyed hide-n-seek and mother may I
I swam and broke bones

However even in these normal days the truth of things was unsettling

The distinct feeling of falling
Butterflies fluttering their wings in the pit of my belly
I am about to hit the ground
Just as the thoughts crosses my mind, Waaa Bam!
I have met the earth with my knees and hands in the most intimate of ways
Rachael laughs above me looking out from the portal from which she pushed me
Within in seconds I hear her giggles getting nearer and see her land beside me
She looks at me and thanks me for testing the jump first



I love the smell of gasoline
I know it is not the best thing to breath in but I love it
I enjoy the sharpness of its scent
I love the dirtiness and strength attached to its name
I love how it gives the day a feeling of newness and how strong I feel with it wafting into my lungs
I am sitting here playing with a container full of my wonderful friend
I think about how it would feel on my skin
I imagine the scent permanently penetrating my clothes
I ask Rachael what she thinks about me pouring it over my head
Her lips curve into a smirk that I interpret as a smile
She tells me to go for it and I do
It burns my eyes and I feel horribly wet
My dad comes running as I begin to scream
The taste of gasoline is biting
I am swept off my feet and dropped directly in the tub
The shower is turned on and I am sprayed from head to toe until the vary last traces are gone
No longer do I think gasoline will be my favorite thing, and now I reflect upon how Rachael let me proceed .



Sitting on the ground dirt clods in hand
The green little trees just as tall as me
I am lost in a world of play as Rachael sneaks away
I see her shadow returning play pail in hand
She sands behind me
Hundreds of feet parade up and down my body
My hands swat at the swelling welts on my skin
I see tiny little red bodies
I feel the sand in my hair
I run for my dad
He grabs the hose and the water replaces the pain
I stand with my skin on edge waiting for the sensation of red ants to fade






Rachael how do I become as dark as you?
I look at my glowing ghost hand in the daylight
She picks up the house paint
The lid is open and the content is a rich brown
Use this she says and steps away
I pick up the paintbrush my father had used earlier and began to paint myself
I get mostly up both arms before I hear the shouts of my dad
He grabs my shoulders and pulls me away from his paint
He takes out the turpentine and scrubs away the paint
I stand there white once again
Separated from Rachael and my dad once again




This tickles
I giggle with Rachael in the back room
We have the electric drill between us
The vibrations course through our skin
I wonder if the turning could curl my hair
I ask Rachael since her hair is a curly mess
She hands me the drill and suggests I try
I put the bit-less tool to my head
AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
A clump of hair is balled up in my hand
Little bits of blood are splattered on my hand
I high tail it to the living room
My mother takes one look at me and laughs
I have a bald spot now and she doesn't even care


Up down
Up down
The see-saw given to Rachael on my birthday
It provides everyday with a degree of fun
Rachael starts to jump harder
My body flies in the air
I hate this feeling, my butt bumps off the seat
She's trying to throw me off which she tends to do a lot
My fear makes her laugh
My tears make her laugh harder
And just as I am about to lose it she jumps off and drops me to the ground








Tonight we are having tuna
Big tuna sandwiches on white wonder bread
Rachael hates tuna
She sits at the table as I down mine
My father has decided if we don't eat all tonight he'll beat us till we are black and blue
Desert awaits the completion of our feat
My father yells five minutes and I see that Rachael hasn't even touched hers yet
Tears stream down her face
I look at her and tell her to switch me plates
Her eyes light up with a most thankful expression
I try to down as much of hers as I can
My stomach full with the heaping amount occupying it
I watch Rachael approach my dad and I watch him hand her dessert
“What a good girl”
I sit at the table and beg for more time
I hear him turn Jeopardy on and I sit trying to eat it all
I know I won't make it
I cry as he approaches me
I try to explain I ate most of it
He pulls me out of my chair
Dumps my food in the trash can and winds back his hand
I cling to his arm as the other smacks into my lower half
I wail and I scream until he decided his task was complete
I go to bed without dessert tonight
At least, I think, Rachael didn't have to take up this fight





Sledding
Taking trashcan lids and sledding
My dad is the motel handy man
A carpenter and master painter
But my favorite job is that he is the Snow Plow driver
He makes big piles and we all play
We take turns flying down the snow
One two THREE
GO!!!
Wind in face
Butterflies in belly
Down the slope
Screech...screech
Giggling we come to a halt
Sometimes sliding off and tumbling face first in the snow
Sometimes staying afloat
The best days are snow days!



WAAA WHACK
The room is still for a minute
I saw the wood flying through the air
The woman's hands wrapped around the carved base
Her arms swung back with the force of her burning anger
It all had started with screaming
We were here for dinner not for this horrific, bleeding mess
My Mother, Rachael, my Dad and I all here for an evening together with these seemingly barbaric people

I dash to the bathroom Rachael in tow and slam the door closed
Click
The lock is set in place as the thrashing continues
Someone pounds hollering at the door but I am no fool to open it
My tiny body is shaking, snot runs down my face and tears drench my clothes
Rachael shivers in the middle of the room with me
I can see the scene reflected in the glass mirror above the sink
How pathetic and tragic we look

The women who owns this house is a friend of my mother and father
Or should I say was?
Her hair is jet black and her body is a solid frame
She had seemed nice at first glance and first meeting
However I'd assume her temper gets the best of her when she feels she has been used

The back story is
My mother slept with her husband in a pick up truck
I picked that much up just before the hysteria
I thought back to the red truck in the front and wonder if that might have been where it happened
I watched as the women flew at my mother fists hungry for contact
My mother's hands flying up for protection, her words spewing venom
And that's when it happened
The bat was grabbed

My father arrives on the other side of the door
I hear his voice gruff and demanding
Open the door
I creep away from the door and Rach unlatches the lock
I can't help feeling my barrier between the pain and me is being torn away
My father grabs us and a towel

Out the bathroom door and out the front door we run
My father leaves us and pulls my mother from the house shielding the blows from the raven haired lady
My mothers grasping the towel in hand as she stumbles into the car
My father gets behind the wheel and guns it out of the driveway
I see the man holding his wife by the waist as she screams profanely

My mother is gushing out blood
The green towel is soaked a blackened color and sopping wet
I can't remember the emergency room or the bright lights
I can remember the whimpering cries from the rocking women in the front seat however
And the black jagged stitches like the little prints of a bird connecting the fragments of my mother's skull





“Come Quick!”
“I see smoke!!”
“It's in the house!”
“Daddy pleassssse!”

I watch him laugh at me
I see him shake his head in disbelief
He wants me to leave him be
He is working and I should go play

I keep screaming for him to come
I know there's a fire
We are going to lose our house
He looks at me and then across the street
He gets up and runs

Sure enough a fire was ablaze
I watch from behind the fire truck and my dad disappears
He went into the smoke
No one knows where Rachael may be
I sob uncontrollably

Finally she comes running over with Stinky in hand
Stinky the rat she went back to save
But where is our father he hasn't come back?
Everyone's yelling
Water is spraying into the house
I see the windows shatter
I can't believe this is happening

As we navigate our way down the street we stand awhile
I hear my father shouting after about an hour
He is running down the street
He is a disheveled mess
We are instructed to stay with so and so
And so we wander there

After a long while we return home
The firemen are throwing clothes out the window
We watch as they land in a pick-up truck
We have lost everything in the left side of the house

It takes forever but we get up everything we can and leave
We stay with our mother
Then Dede my dad's girlfriend
Finally we end up getting a motor home to begin our travels out of town
Goodbye nice trailer home
Goodbye loving neighborhood




Tiny little box on wheels
Built in bunk-beds on the side
Small kitchen sink, cabinets and a microwave
A table next to the right side
This is home for more than tonight
We travel down the road my father in the front seat
I wish I could go feel the wind on my face
I despise watching the black road speeding by
Daddy says we will sleep in a parking lot tonight
The shower is above the toilet and the sink
It's hard to move in these closed quarters but this is home for now





Traveling traveling traveling
We are always on the move
Different towns, different states
Everyday, every week, every month
We are stationed in Texas for now





The table turns into a third bed
My dad sleeps on this bed
Even though there are two others he likes us to rotate sleeping with him
I can smell the heat of his breath on my arm
I feel the weight of his arms over my back
I have been awake for awhile now watching the shadows play upon the sink
I want to be asleep to block the thoughts of the night from my mind but behind my eyelids are only memories capturing me in what I most want to forget
I feel his body lift itself from the bed
I bury my head partially under the covers
I look out from under the edge hoping he won't see that I am awake
I see him standing there in-between the bunks and the cabinets
His brow is creased in fury, and his body's hunched in the shadows
I shift my leg and see his eyes rise to meet mine
My stomach sinks as he walks back to the bed
I turn my head away as he comes toward me
I know what's next
I feel him slip into bed next to me
He scoots my body over
I feel his hand begin to rub my bare back
He turns my back so I curl into his chest




Dust is flying up in through the window
I am sitting on the turtle bus and the brakes squeak as we stop for each kid to get off
My stop is coming up
I grab my stuff, I head up the aisle, down the three steps and I wait in the sun
It is hot in Texas
I reflect on the day
I lost my sucker because I talked during lunch when the light was red
It has been a lonely long day
Rachael's bus the hare is coming
When it gets here she bounces off and we head down the dirt road
We turn with the road's winds lost in our own thoughts
We get to the farm and walk past to the trailer park
Rachael opens the door and inside is my mother
She hasn't been around in a least a dozen months
She looks at us, her eyes red from weeping
She wraps her trembling arms around us
Our father is in the hospital
He fell from a ladder a good number of floors
My mother says he's been having seizures
He hit his head and is now in a coma
They don't know when he will get better or be home
He might die tonight
She makes soup like nothing's the matter
On goes the T.V. in goes the Disney movie
I could forever be without a father
Would I live with mom
What state would we be in
Where would we live
My heads cloudy with the possibilities of my future
I am barely closing my eyes for the dark night
I hear the door fly open rain pounding in the tunnels of my ear
I see the darkest of shadows standing in the open door
My father is standing there with his hospital bracelet on
He stumbles in and my mother flies across the trailer to him
The hospital never released him
He left against their orders, walked across the Texas bridge and came home














My father lies on the floor
He looks so weak and frail, I can hardly stand it
I see drool pouring from his lips
His body convulses
His eyes roll back the whites reflecting an eery glow
His foot kicks the wall and every time my body is racked with a convulsion of my own
It makes my tummy turn to see him looking so old
I feel guilty for thinking of him as less than a man
I remember all the times he's stumbled home, holding himself up on my shoulder
I reflect on the times he's rocked back and forth tears flowing down his cheeks
I hate him for being so frail
I hate myself for not being able to do a thing to help
I run to him and push him on his side
Rachael checks to see if his tongue is in the way
I stand watching, praying to an unknown god to understand I can't lose him






My mother has been staying with us since the accident with my dad
She plays cards with me and I have caught her hiding her stuff
Up above the washers and driers in the laundromat
Just as I am sitting here saying, “go fish” she announces it is time to leave
We walk to the laundromat and pick up her stuff, which turns out to have some of my stuff too
She dumps it in a shopping cart
We go to the trailer and my father's on the floor
My father is shaking again
My mother steps over his body and takes out his cash
I watch from the door as she heads towards me
We walk down the dirt path, then the street, and then another street
Mile after mile we walk pushing the shopping cart
We end up in front of Rachael's school and my mother goes into the building
I spot a dandelion and stare at it as I wait trying to be invisible
My mother comes out with Rachael in hand
We walk more and my feet ache as the sun falls and moon beats down on the sidewalk
We are heading to the bus station and we are going to the mountains of somewhere to meet up with my mother's boyfriend and we will live there
My mother has decided that my father isn't fit anymore






After days of sleeping on a bus we reach our destination
We step off in the dead of the night and head toward a red pick up truck
My mother pulls open the door and helps me and Rachael up
She leans over and kisses the man behind the wheel
The man's name is Dan
He has a great white beard and a large gut
His eyes are blue and cold as he backs out of his parking spot
I fall asleep and wake as our car begins the climb up the mountain
We pull up in front of a trailer
The trailer is surrounded by old cars, trucks and buses
Dan owns a junk yard
The porch is screened in and filled with boxes of blueberry muffins
There is no electricity everything runs off a generator
There is also no warm water or plumbing
I sleep in the same bed with Rachael and my mom sleeps with her boyfriend behind the thin sliding door









We have lived in this trailer for months
I have no idea where we live, and if I was lost I wouldn't get home
I have never gone to town or seen the school
Two women show up everyday with puppets and teaching tools to educate me
One Christmas celebration
One sledding accident marking my eye with a red line
One flu
And my mother is tired of having us around
We eat our cream of mushroom soup while waiting for our father to come
My mother called him the other day
He has to get us by tonight or else she'll leave us abandoned somewhere
I hear the tires on the gravel
It is time to go back to Texas
Time to be with our dad again
Goodbye mom thanks for trying

We are moving from Texas again but this time to Colorado
We were living in a Bronco truck on the same lot as another family
This family had a daughter we would play with
The man whom they called uncle violated my sister
Now every where we go he is there
In every shadow we see him in
At every stop light his car meets ours
Away our father sends us
To our mother
Back to her bizarre life but not back to the same trailer
She is with the same man however
I hope she has gotten over feeling overwhelmed




Jess came to live with us awhile back
He looks just a little bit different than when we used to visit him
His sandy hair shaved and his blue eyes no longer blocked by glasses
But nonetheless he is still the Jess I've always know

He can be fun to play with but mostly he sulks in his room alone
Girls come by to visit him and I gag as they call him Jessie
I watch him ride his dirt bike
I wash his dishes for a dollar
I drank a half a beer at his daring
And every now and again he kicks holes in our walls
I think that somethings a little off with him but it is hard to tell in my house
I have heard my mother mention he is schizophrenic but I don't understand what that means
Maybe it is what makes him so temperamental





I will wear no shoes if I want to
I want my mother
I run outside
Dan is screaming for me to get back inside
I stand defiantly and tell him to make me
I regret my words as he begins to count
However I do not show my fear I just stand there staring at him...water on my face...anger in my eyes
He has no right
He can not make me do anything

I put my hand on my waist
He finishes counting and starts out the door
I threaten to run if he comes near me
He glares me down and yells, I better get in the house
I stomp my feet but begin to move forward
He has turned around and is heading back into the living-room
I get to the door and feel a giant hand grab hold of my arm
He yanks me in and drags me toward the hall
He takes down a hanging wooden cutting board that has a handle for holding it
I squirm to get away from him
He turns me and lets go of my arm
I go to move away....he hits me with the cutting board
Then he raises his arm and brings it back down again on my lower half...SNAP...it cracks in two


As the halfs fall out of his hand he grabs me and shakes my shoulders
I will listen to him, I will do as he says, when he says it and I will wear my damn shoes when I go out side
Kicking, thrashing and scream I push away from him and run down the hall
I slam the bedroom door and lock it
I call out to him that I will tell my mother
As I sit in the middle of the room I hear him laughing as he walks down the hall
I begin to believe that maybe the stories about pushing his own kids out of the car if they didn't wear their seat-belts were true





A clashing clanking mess of noise is coming from the other room
I feel the warmth of the dish water on my hands
The soapy bubbles float around as Rachael dries the plates
Dan is hollering at my mother for something
Rachael glides around the room like a ghost putting everything in its place
I close my eyes and try to block out the chaos
If I could just drift away...
Touch the sky or fly on the wings of the wind to a foreign place

Screams of pain echo from the other room
I am ripped out of my dream world and back into reality
I dash to the corner and look around the side
Dan is hitting my mother
I watch as she tries to defend herself

She rips herself free of his grasp
She stumbles back
Dan steps toward her and I watch as his arm rises
The collision of skin and hand is met with the collision of body meeting floor
The reunion an unpleasant smashing sound and a whelp of true human sorrow

She tries to crawl out of his reach
He makes a swift move and grabs her by the hair
On her back my mother kicks and screams
Her words as fearless and his cold stone eyes
He begins to drag her toward the hall slamming her body into the ground as she resists
I cry out in childish desperation for him to leave her alone
And just as my words hit the air my mother grabs a tall lamp and it falls into Dan's face
Just as he begins to kick her side in retaliation to the attack he catches my horror filled eyes
In a booming voice that shook the very core of my being he yelled for Rachael and me to go to our room
I stood there in frozen disobedience when he made a start toward me, my mother still in hand
With tears rolling freely she sharply instructs me to obey
I jump into gear with Rachael in hand and we bolt past them, down the hall to the safest room of them all
It's a room in the middle of two doors with a lock on both and only one bed
Before I duck into the door I turn to see Dan dragging my mother to the couch belt buckle undone
We hear her cries long after the door closes and the covers are pulled over our heads
We take comfort in our mutual sniffling and cling in each other's arms
After a time we hear the heavy footsteps of a still angry man and his clenched hands on the door
He demands we open the damn door now but we are not foolish enough for this trick
Despite this truth my mother shouts warnings from the other room
Her shrikes irk her boyfriend even more and as he heads back down the hall she informs him the authorities will be here soon
I hear his open palm greet her statement and then his muttering as his feet scurry away
The house is silent and my mother never comes down the hall
No police ever show and Dan comes in the door as we stand in the center of the living room
We stand in anticipation of his anger
He stumbles forward obviously drunk
He picks up the phone and dials a number
After a while he tell us to leave
“Where are we to go?”
He tells us to forget it he will leave and “the bitch can come and get us if she pleases”
It takes what seems like forever but finally she arrives with a lady friend to collect us
We have bags packed for awhile but we are gone forever
My mother keeps her shoulders hunched and her hair in her face
We get settled into this lady's house and by the time we see our mother again she has slept for several days and looks quite a lot better




We have moved away from my mom's friend
This trailer park is our new home
I sit upon my steps hoping for some friends
I hold my scratching cat in my little arms
I watch the kids in the street
A girl asks me to call a boy Pencil
I have no idea why so I do
He gets angry at me

So, hello to new friends and hello to new enemies

The girls across the dirt street are my friends
Their mother is a single woman
Their father no longer there because he is a bad bad man

The bullies in the trailer park are a group of boys on bikes
They chase me down the street on their wheeled demons and often try to drown my cat
At the pool they hold me under the water just enough that I am scared I might really die
They throw dirt clods at me
And I am scared to find out what they might do if they ever catch me alone





My Life in the World of Wheeled Homes
I play games in the field
I swim in the river
I am the nurse during the dirt battles in the ditches out back
I jump rope with the girls
We walk to the store for snacks and candy
We play Pokemon
And I know this place like the back of my hand

I know that everyone will meet at four after school has ended to play outside
I know the oldest guys will ride motorcycles on the dirt jumps they built by hand
In the late evening the red headed boy will walk down the street with a gun in hand
The neighbor across the street and over owns a wolf that will bite
And when anything goes wrong I should tell them Jess is my brother and they will leave me alone





Greg is my mothers boyfriend
He is tall, with straggly dark hair and dark eyes
I hate this man
He is always all over my mother
I see them having sex in the living-room all the time
He drinks and he smells like a stale drink
He tends to yell a lot and he hates me and Rach
He built us bunk beds out of wood
They fell apart while we were sleeping on them

He hates that we swam in the river (the Colorado River)
He hates our friends in the trailer park..he thinks they are bad influences
In fact he has banned us from swimming with them in the river next to the highway

So today we are going swimming in the water hole out in the dirt fields of the trailer park with some other friends

Later that same day...

I have a matching bathing suit with an older girl....the suit is a one piece with a Tweety- bird on it
Greg saw the older girl getting in the river....he saw my wet suit hanging in the bathroom
He came into my room and began to scream at me
He apparently demands to be obeyed.


I told him he was obeyed me and Rach were never at the river today
He calls me a liar and I inform him I am not
He proceeds to call me a story maker
I call him a stupid, jerk who needs to listen to facts

He shoves me down the hall and into my room
I am grounded he informs me
I laugh but quickly stop when he moves toward me
As he is walking away I yell down the hall a reminder to him that he is not my father
I see him turn and smile and I am grounded for longer now

I taunt him saying he can't ground me..he does not have the authority
As I wait for my mother to get home I think of what I'll tell her
I think of how unfair and cruel this man is and how she can check with my friend's mom to see I that I was telling the truth
Hours pass as I wait and when my mother finally come my shoulders slump
She wants me to get out of the house
I am ungrounded but Greg needs time to cool off





Walking down the tar covered road
The sun's beating on my shoulders
A group of us are going to the market
Rachael spots a man walking toward us down the street
Our father's been away a long while but she swears it is him
I can not believe it because he is wearing a pink shirt
The dark figure moves closer to us
I see the man's face becoming clearer and clearer to me
My heart begins to race
The adrenaline courses through my veins

I take off running

My legs are quick as they bring me closer to the figure
I throw my arms around my father's neck
He scoops me and Rachael up in his arms
He puts us back down and we abandon the idea of the market to go home
It is time to catch up with our dad

Mid-way down the street it becomes clear that my dad is loopy on something
I guess nothings changed




My dad is staying at the hotel up the street
First he wants to spend some money on us all
He gets a hold of Jess and we all head to Wal-Mart
My dad tells us that he was given money because of the car accident
He broke his leg and totaled the car and so they gave him disability money
Edee left him after the accident
Which is why it took him so long to get here

As soon as we walk into the store my dad tells us to pick out a toy
Rachael and I get dolls
Jess goes for something much larger, he picks a little trick bike
I watch from my slight childish delight with curiosity about my dad's stumbling ways
My dad gaffs all through the store and all the way home












My dad is fighting with Greg
My dad has a few hundred dollars in his red tool box but as he leans over to look into the box it's not there
My dad begins to yell even louder
Swear words bounce off the walls
He yanks Greg off the couch where he's been reclining with my mom
He believes Greg has been stealing his money

They tussle back and forth

Greg leaves in a huff and my dad tells him to never come back

After things settle my mother helps mend my father's wounds
Then my dad decides it is best for him to go
He invites Rachael and I to go to the hotel with him
He pleads when we tell him we have a sleep over
And then he leaves the house alone

As soon as he's gone I find myself wishing I had gone with him
I feet guilty about leaving him alone
I cried and asked my mother to take me to his hotel

Little did I know as she dropped me off outside his door how drunk he would be
I stumble into the room
My dad already half-asleep in his bed
I realize upon entry I wish I had stayed over at my friends tonight

There is only one bed, a bottle of vodka on the night stand
My dad seems frightened by my presence as he tries to place who I am
After I explain he laughs and tells me to get in bed
I unbutton my jeans, take off my coat and slide in bed in my tee shirt and underwear (a standard pj for me)

I climb in far away from my dad's side of the bed
He moves closer and pulls me over
He is naked
I recoil
Why did I come here?
I deserve whatever comes next
I initiated this
I should have known he just wanted a warm body to keep him from being alone
This is my fault





House of holes and drafty windows
Cardboard blocks the sunlight from streaming in
The back room a dungeon to us all
mattresses lay across the floor with one bed on a frame
Two other rooms but all three of us Rachael, my dad, and I sleep here
My brother Jess sleeps in the extra room, and the other is left empty for my mother
Rachael constantly tries to switch rooms
Everything in this house feels dark
I lie awake at night fearful of the ghosts I assume are around
This is our new home since dad decided to leave the trailer park






Every day I learn new things
Dad has a wife....
Her name is Mary

Mary has two sons
Mathew and Damian
They are Jess's age
Jess knows them

Our mutual mother was Mary's best friend
Jess's dad was married to our mother
Rachael's dad left Mary
He had children with my mother and raised Jess and me
And left his other sons fatherless
And his wife with just a ring










More on Mary....
Dad's talking on the Phone, he is talking to Mary
I think she's planing to come visit us
I want my dad's attention
Rachael and I are playing
Jess is getting annoyed
He grabs us both
By our hair he drags us down the hall
Kicking and screaming
Into the bedroom we go
He throws us both down on the mattress
Rachael jumps up immediately
Past Jess and out the door she goes

I try to get up

He pushes me back down
I try again
I fail
I feel like I am no long in the room
I am watching a scene from some other person's life
I seem to be standing behind a man
I see his belt unbuckle
His pants slack
My mind is in another place but I can sense that this is not someone else's fate
This is my own
We emerge later
I run to my dad
Rach has been crying
My dad drops the phone
Screaming starts
My dad and Jess are fighting
Jess throwing punches
My dad calls the cops
Jess is screaming at me and Rach
My dad is throwing things
The sirens are close to the house
I hear them and think of the problems this will bring
Two men with badges on rush through the door
One grabs Jess, one grabs my dad
Out the door they go...

This is my fault Jess yells
And it's true I shouldn't have been making so much noise
I shouldn't have stayed in the room
I wonder when Jess will be back
I wonder what my dad will say this fight was about
No way is anyone to tell the truth
Blood takes care of blood

It is time to move from Colorado
My dad declares he is back in love with Mary
We have seen them having sex together so they must be official

She is a lovely lady
And I'm all for the move if it means she sleeps in his bed not me....

I guess we get to meet our other brothers Mathew and Damien
Jess isn't excited to see them again but I don't know why
He says he is only coming because my mother is getting married and he doesn't want to be here for that
I wish we could be there though
However we will be driving to California before the wedding, just about a week after Mary leaves





My brother Matt has a soft nature and is tall without being a tower
His build is sturdy and strong
His hair is almost black
His eyes are dark brown, gentle for us, fierce for a fight
His eyebrows bushy and black
His smile straight and rare
Everything's serious
My brother's heart loving
His goal to help all the helpless
He tries to find his way in Islam
He is the gentle voice of reason in our house
The first to take me and my sister away when things were rough in the house
He speaks many language
Jail has been his home for so long
He was a phenomenal soccer player
He dreams of travel and love but finds himself in dark days
Always the older brother he cares for Damien and everyone
His clothes are always dark and his skin pale despite the summer like sun of California
He was a video game player and a fun-loving man but he never got the chance
Sweet boy who never had a mother or a father






Damien is close to seven feet tall
He is a year younger than Matt
His hair is light brown and eyes are light blue
He has a laid back personality
He tends to make stupid decisions
The type of boy to sleep with his brother's girlfriend
Runs away from jail the day before being released
He parties at the beach
He makes friends easily
He has tattoos upon his chest
He barely wear a shirt
If he needs a shirt he puts on a white wife beater
His pants are always light wash and low riding
He is louder than Matt
He relies on Matt more than anyone else
He laughs when he shouldn't and he isn't all that bright
He could have played for a Division One basketball team but he went to jail instead
He is sentimental






Mary is a tall women
She is slender in build and narrow in frame
Her hair is a dark red and lays on her shoulders in ringlets
Her eyes are crystal blue
Her skin pale and wrinkled with age and sickness

She has a gentle spirit
She laughs easily and cries often
I love her a lot
She has been more of a mother than my own mother
She tucks me in at night
She rubs my back until I fall asleep and prays for me

I won't have her here on earth for long
Her liver is failing and they won't give her a new one
The damage was caused from alcohol long ago drank
I wish my father would treat her better
She is a gift of tenderness and peace in this relentlessly violent world






Every time my father needs a drink we go and get it with him
He needs our shoulders to lean on so he doesn't falter to the ground
If we are good he buys us a nickel's worth of candy
And he buys himself scratch tickets, tobacco, and paper wraps





Cleanliness is close to godliness
That's no exception here
What's different though is I rarely shower alone
Either Rachael's by my side
Or an older man is

If it's me and Rach and him he simply washes our hair
He sits on the tub floor, sometimes in swimwear
He helps rinse off the soap from here or there
It may seem awkward to some since we can wash alone
But what can you do when you're too young too?

If I were alone he always held me just a little too close
Laughed while he showed himself
Kept my unclothed body between his legs
Ran his hands down my frame
Commented on the smoothness of my skin
Instructed me to wash him
And hesitations to obey warranted anger for the day

If this were not strange enough
This old man wasn't just anyone but what some would call a dad




My brothers sit in the room smoking weed
Under my kitchen sink lie needles galore
In and out men and boys come
Trade a pill for this a pill for that
They hand over bags of white powder for needles containing various substances
I go with Mary and my father to the methodone clinic each morning
I watch my father shake from seizures and as he get high
I watch my brothers laugh, fight and cry as they mess around with the poisonous crap
My life is tainted with these things
I have tried pot but no other drug
I drink when it is given to me
I lie when the police come and ask around
I help when each person has had too much
I hide when they start taking out the unfairness of life on those around them
I hate these drugs and liquids




Daddy I want a boy's hair cut
What I mean to say is I want it short
The scissors out
Snip, Snip
I listen to the music playing in the background
My dad takes a drag of his cigarets
I worry as he takes a swig of alcohol
He tells me to check my hair in the mirror
I look into the glass and see it looking shoulder length and shaggy
I tell him to keep fixing it
He cuts and cuts and suddenly I am worried it will be to short and boy-like
I look into the glass a second time and see that my hair is cut into a rat-tail
I am hideous
Absolutely hideous in my pink knee-length shorts and striped shirt
I am a boy






Markion
He is a friend of both my brothers
He is blond with blue eyes
He has stayed with us many times
He broke his jaw and both his legs balancing on a railing while tripping on acid
He came to live with us
We have nursed him back to help, my brothers bailed him out of jail
He is accused of theft, rape and gang activity
Tonight he is at my door
There he stands six feet something tall covered in blood
My heart flutters in fright
He steps in from the dark shadows of the night
A gun or knife in hand
He steps in and looks me in the eyes
He tells me to go to my father's room and gets his pills and not to wake him
He shows me his gun and leans in close to me his finger digging into my arm
I can smell his cologne, sweat and the iron of some unknown man's blood
He lets go as I scamper off to the back room
My dad is passed out on the bed in the dark
I wake him up and whisper that Markion is in trouble, wants pills, and that he threatened to kill me if I woke you
My dad flips on the light, grabs his pills, and sends me back out with the bottle
I hand it to Markion and then hear my father's footsteps coming down the hall
He rounds the corner just as Matt walks in, his white shirt stained red
My dad demands to know what's going on
I fly back onto the couch out of the way as I feel the stare of Markion boring into my skin
He tells me not to move or he will kill us all
My dad stands in front of Markion's skinny frame
He puts his hands on Markion's shoulders and asks him what's going on
Matt moves past them and stands in front of me and Damian walks in with another guy
Markion got in a drunken fight with a guy who once tried to teach me how to skateboard
This young eighteen year old was best friends with my brothers
Markion saw this man with his girlfriend
He ripped him out of the car and broke a glass beer bottle on him
He took the broken bottle and cut him up by slashing him with the jagged pieces
He said when he left the guy was unconscious and bleeding
My brothers helped call the police and get the young man to the hospital
He might die...

They all rushed about, my dad is now helping them
All night in and out guys come trying to sort out this mess






Short Lesson
My brothers and father trade around girls
What I have learned is women are property






















My pathetic father is weak
He slips on a blanket
He is drunk as a sailor and high as a kite
He falls smacking his head on the glass jar of coins causing blood to pour out all over the floor
Jess shakes in a corner he feels it is his fault
The blanket was supposed to be a bed for him
We run door to door trying to get help
We need towels band-aids and stitches to fix this mess
My father cries as we fix his head
Mathew and Damien yell as they blame Jess for it all






My step-mom can't take the drugs
Mathew and Damien and my father are all hooked
Drugs are coming in and out daily now
Dad gets drunk, Matt, Jess and Damien fight
My mom comes over and visits now because she moved to town
And My father broke his back from a seizure he had in the front of the car so he can't work
Poor Mary just can't take it any more
She can't handle raising me and Rachael while she slowly dies
She has deiced to divorce our father
We move to the Lompoc Hotel an hour away in the morning





Swish Swish clunk clunk
I wish I was a better skater
My skates only have two wheels on each skate,
One wheel in front and one in the back
My dad watches me and Rachael go back and forth

It's funny how this little piece of blacktop is our playground
And this dumpster is what I use to catch myself every other time we skate

My dad holds a brown paper bag downing liquor with a Mexican man
This man laughs with my dad, whistling as we go back and forth
I get a bad feeling from this man
I try to move faster
My feet slip out from under me
I go to grab the dumpster for help
I miss
Awww och
Tears flow down
That hurt but I have to get up
I cannot be weak

The Mexican man asks me if I am okay
My dad goes to make coffee
My dad takes Rachael with him
Here I am skating by myself with this Mexican
He walks toward me
He is telling me I am beautiful

Ah Bonita
He puts his arms around me
He begins to kiss my neck
I am a sweet girl he says
He is holding my waist
His hands are going under my shirt
Why did my father leave me alone
Isn't he supposed to protect me
I am young I should not be here
I am scared
I wiggle away from him the best I can
I skate away around the curb to wait
How long does coffee take
Please come back
Please dad please
I hold my breath hoping the Mexican does not come over






Sitting at the window waiting
waiting for my mom to come visit
She called a few days ago and she told us she would be coming to see us
It is wonderful timing since it will be Mother's Day in a couple days
We have never celebrated a Mother's Day together
I am perched at the window
I will never leave this seat
Not today anyway..
I see Rachael playing over near the T.V.
She keeps beckoning me to join her but I don't
She comes over and pulls at my arm
Marie I am lonely come play with me
I want to run down and meet her as soon as she gets out of the car so I tell Rachael no
I see the look of total disappointment in her eyes
As her hand falls off of my arm she tells me that there is no way our mom is coming
I sit for hours
I don't even shed a tear when Rachael turns out to be right
Okay I do shed a tear but not for my mother just for Rachael
I wished I had spent the day with her
I hate my mother, I hate her
Why did she have to lie, why doesn't she want me?






We are broke
It's not a secret it's a fact
My clothes are unmatched found in the bags of the church's basements
My hair dirty, unkempt, and a botched mess
I've worn the same 0.99 cent flip-flops for most of my years
We can't afford dinner, or lunch or even a breakfast treat
A home around the corner and down the street gives out trash bags of food for free
We go to the clinic for my dad, the government gives us food stamps, but nothing's enough to fix this mess
We barley have enough to cover the cost of the one room hotel we reside in
I walk to school even though it's many miles away, through the alleys and across the train tracks
Me and Rachael sneak about and steal a bit during our times of need
Needles and brown paper bag drinks take priority here in this round of hell
We sell off our toys, movies, roller blades and more just to make ends meet
Me and Rach scan the streets for half-smoked cigarettes for dad's tobacco
We help roll the treat for him and we watch T.V.
Scary movies, Law and Order, Porn and more
I stare at my homework and wish I could read it
I listen as the gulping continues down his throat
And I wait

I wait to see if today is the day he finally dies
I wait to hear his tears, his laughter or his jeers
I wait to appear if my name is called to give him an ear to all he recalls
I wait in expectation of a seizure
I wait to assist him in his need for another drink or for the sound of his feet to pass me, on his way to the porcelain sink
I wait to count the time whether he is passing out or getting high
I wait to prepare for the demands of his dreams to awake him angry from sleep
I wait my heart hidden away for me to be a daughter no more but a lover and friend
I wait knowing whatever comes I will take for one day I will get away






I hate school
I always have
I can't read the pages, I am in the special Ed classes and I fail every test I take
I am a constant disappointment
Kids are scared of my family, the reputation of them and my dirty clothes
They tell me I smell of smoke
The girls think I am ugly and fat
The boys tease me that my dad is a drunk
My classmates parents think I am a thief
The only girl in years to talk to me is special needs
The only boy throws things at the back of my head

I get jumped and beat up by older girls in the bathroom
I get teased and chased by the boys when I walk home from school
I wish I was prettier
I think to when I had long hair and not a rat-tail and relize I was still considered ugly then...
So I will wish to be smarter and faster
In the mean time while god (whoever he is) considers my prayers I will go home

There I still don't fit in
There I am still alone...but at least am garenteed a sip of something strong and a hit off anything I want
And a story from my stoned father to entertain the hours between tomorrows torturuse day and todays At the thought of my prospects that are awaiting me I find myself wishing I enjoyed such things
But quite simple drugs and booze don't interest me and my respect dwindles for my father after each story







I love you
You're a beautiful girl Marie
I hear the harsh whisper in my ear
For the first time in my life I've heard I'm loved and lovely
I've ached through my bones to hear these words uttered out loud
I feel the toned arms wrapped around my frame
My body tenses as his hand slides down between my legs
My feet are tangled, and I feel the hair of his legs against my skin
He laughs gruffly in my ear as he warns me this might hurt
His fingers move about, and his lips linger on my neck
I begin to cry as he turns me toward him
No escapes my lips, and my body quivers with disappointment
I push against his chest to get away from his clutch
He whines to me to in a pathetic plea to stop resisting
I feel the tension of fear coursing through my bloodstream
I want to get away, as far away as I can
I pull back, tears flowing
I make it away from the bed cloaked in shame
I feel filthy and a hollow emptiness has replaced my stomach
I in my underwear and Tee bolt to the other side of the room
I climb into the other bed in the hotel
Rachael sobs next to me apologizing for letting me go to his bed
I curl up next to her and beg her to stay with me
My father calls out drunkenly begging me to come back
I plug my ears and hum myself a song until I can get the shaking to stop
I roll over and hug myself until sleep comes
I wake with the dread of knowing I am still undesired me
Not beautiful
Not loved
Just a fix for when patience has run out






We have nothing
No money
No food
We are trying to pay the rent
Me and Rachael are selling everything we have
Bye bye skates
Today is Mothers Day and we sit outside the market trying to get others to buy our stuff
Rachael goes home for a bit to get money
She stole a candy bar and got caught
I am sitting and waiting but who wants our stuff, our crap?
What was our dad thinking?
Rachael comes back and we pack up our stuff
We have to explain to our dad that we couldn't sell a thing
We roll the shopping cart home to the hotel and hope our dad is not too mad
Rachael says he was sleeping when she went home
We leave the cart. We need his help to get the stuff upstairs
The lights are off
The air smells stale
I walk over to my dad whose shoulders are slumped over
He is wearing his boxers
Snot has accumulated in the shoe underneath him
I shake his shoulders and step back in case he gets mad
I whisper his name step forward and tap him again
I see his brown skin has a blue purple tint
My heart skips a beat
Daddy? Daddy? Wake up!
Wake up please!!!
Daddy!?
I shake his shoulders, and he falls backwards
He isn't breathing!
Me and Rachael run to the door and drop on our knees
God I don't know if you are there but don't take our dad
He can't be dead!
Tears stream down
We run to the landlady, our dad is dead!
A look of horror crosses her face
She goes to the phone
We sit on the stone steps and wait
It seems like forever when the sirens sound in the distance
I see the ambulance pull into the parking lot
He is dead
The police are telling us he really is dead
It sinks in and I am not sure how to feel
I remember movies where people cry and scream when they find out
Instead Rachael calls our step-mom and she says she will be there as soon as she can be there
Waiting waiting waiting what will our life be like?

My step-mom drives in and picks us up
She goes upstairs with the police
We watch the covered white body come down the stairs
We go back into the hotel room and begin to pack some things up
We take the money out of the drawers, grab our scant amount of clothes and leave
The drive home is silent
By the time we get back to our old apartment a day seems to have passed
We walk in and the kitchen cabinet is in the living room
We ask for some of our dad's money and go to the grocery store
We buy ice cream because we think it will make us feel better
We walk home talking about how he is really gone
We get home and pull out spoons and eat
The police come through the door
Our step-mom comes out of her room with our brother Matt
We have to go with these police. We can't live here with them
I am stunned as she hands them our clothes and hugs us goodbye

A big black women meets us at the door
We will be staying here for a couple days
She isn't very nice
The house is extremely stuffy and uncomfortable
They hand us gift bags with sponges, soaps, and toothbrushes
Tomorrow we will pick up a few other essentials and then go back to Lompoc the day after
We will stay in a half-way house there





We walk into this cramped house
Kids are sneering from every direction
The room we are in has four girls
This crazy boy is in the room next door
He tells us we will always be here
I hope he is wrong


It isn't too bad here
As the days pass we play board games
The kids at school mock me
They think I am a freak
They mock my father's death
So really this half-way house is nice
We go swimming next door and have sleep overs there
We go to the real pool and play games outside
This is my safe-haven sometimes from the cruelty of children
Rachael knows a girl whose mom might want us to live with them
We will go and check out their home soon
I hope that boy in the other rooms stops trying to see Rachael shower







First Family
The Grants
The Grants have taken us in
They live on Greensworth Place
The mother walks around naked
Her hair is bleached yellow blond
All her hair
She wears black, gold and white spandex when she does wear clothes
She has a vizor on her all the time
Giant sunglasses with crystals block her eyes
Flip flops are her choice of clothes
Her beach wear is a gold one piece
She drives a 1959 cadillac named Bessie
She walks around with a cigaret in her mouth and a box of chardonnay
Her teeth are yellow
She is eccentric and flips out something awful
She never eats
She cries all night in the bathroom



Chapter Summaries



If you are interested in my book I will finish the concept. I only made a book proposal but I would love to finish it. I know it is a little obscure but I hope you enjoy it. Below is the summery of the rest of the book. Chapter Summaries 1)The adventurers of my first family the Grants. The Grants enjoyed walking around their house naked, they hated my sister and use to send her out of the house, and they could not adopted us because the mother turned out to be a pill popper. The mother used to dress her daughter, Rachael and I in matching costumes. The mother of the house used to marry her dogs, she never ate and would yell at the slightest indiscretion. 2)After the Grants my sister and I moved in with Justine and Tina a lesbian couple. They had two kids, Mayia and Atty. 3)The Andar's house was the third family we stayed with. They we very legalistic, and used to cut my sister's underwear in piece because they were “inappropriate.” 4)The Simmons were the fourth family we lived with. They had five family members. It was a difficult fit because in all of the confusion I let my mind become consumed with the idea that they did not love us and it was only confirmed to me when they did not adopt. It may sound crazy but as I lived with them despite their attempts at being my family I knew it wasn't home. They did their best and I learned so much from them but God had something else in mind. They supported me, housed me, kept me safe, and loved me, but labels, lies, and rejection were so much a part of me it was hard to figure out how things really were. It was while living with this family that I started seventh grade. I had my first boyfriend, heartbreak, and kiss. Rachael was a freshman in high-school getting in a ton of trouble. We both began o get involved in Church, and lastly, we met my adoptive family and began to interact with them. 5)I moved toward the end of my seventh grade to Pennsylvania from California to be adopted by the Weibels. I began my first venture in public school, I got bullied out, I ran into the idea of friends and guys, I tried to balance church obligations and I met my wild child best friend. I started to homeschooling and I lost my way. 6)As high school started I was depressed and I tried to kill myself. I had a major falling out with my best-friend and school. I found my identity in Christ. 7)Sophomore year I met my new best friend Megan. I began to know my relationship with God and than continued by own boy drama. I broke the heart of the greatest young man I have ever known, and I dated someone very different from me. This is my year of discovery. I fail, succeed and change in this year. 8)My junior year started in a beautiful place. I knew myself, and I was ready to take on anything. I meet a boy who came into my life like a hurricane. I got to know him, finally thought I knew what a love was like, and best of all he partnered with my faith. I grew in my faith and my studies went extremely well. Before the year was over though I ended up alone, my boyfriend turned out to be a demon possessed freak. I lost everything I had ever loved, my friends, my faith, and my virginity (he raped me.) 9)My senior year is in the process of concluding. I have been piecing my life back together and trying to discover what the point of my life has been. I want the people of this world to know that their stories are important, influential, and completely necessary for the healing of other people. There may not seem to be a reason but I am alive, I have a purpose through God, and it is possible to make the right choices. I am going to college, I have straight A's, I have met incredible people, I have plans, and I have found that sharing my story, my hurts, my joys, and my thoughts have been able to let me connect with people and know them in way I would otherwise not be able to



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This book has 76 comments.


on Apr. 16 2011 at 9:03 am
Marieweibel BRONZE, State College, Pennsylvania
3 articles 0 photos 6 comments
Thank you all for your support, it means so very much to me. You are helping me to accomplish two very big dreams of mine. The first and least important, is to make a mark in the litature world so I might become a fiction writter some day without the poetry edge. The second and much greater dream, that this story will be told so that the lost, broken, and alone can find a hope and know how very important their life is.

Tina said...
on Apr. 15 2011 at 4:12 pm
***** five stars is what I pressed and only four came up!! What an amazing piece of honesty Marie...i think it's the hardest thing we humans can do, be honest with ourselves and with others...you are an extremely talented and brave young woman and I am so proud to know you. 

SamBach said...
on Apr. 15 2011 at 12:05 pm
Wow, you really are an amazing writer. Rachael has told me you were very good, but I never imagined. You should keep writing. Thanks for sharing so much.

srg11 said...
on Apr. 15 2011 at 10:14 am
you are a beautiful person and a superb writer!!

MaryAnne said...
on Apr. 15 2011 at 9:58 am
A true tale of survival.  Thank you for your brutal and painful honesty.  God bless you.  

MRKE said...
on Apr. 15 2011 at 12:41 am
What an inspirational story.  Such amazing words from such a strong, young woman.

Lizzie said...
on Apr. 14 2011 at 11:06 pm
Incredible! What a great lesson in the strength of the human spirit. Bravo! I tried to rate it 5 stars, but had a technical glitch only three showed up. *****

momo said...
on Apr. 14 2011 at 9:56 pm
So brave, so sad! What a stong girl. I want to read the rest! Great style.

tinkerestes said...
on Apr. 14 2011 at 8:03 pm
Brillant and honest!  Unnerving and yet, needing to be heard.  Thank you Marie for an amazing story told from your heart. 

brookish said...
on Apr. 14 2011 at 6:27 pm
As a writer myself, I think it is precisely these stories that most need to be heard and available to kids out there who need to know they are not alone and it can get better. This is an important book from an important new voice.

kjamie said...
on Apr. 14 2011 at 6:04 pm
Your strength and honesty are humbling.  You are an inspiration to us all.  Continue your passion of writing!

finkster said...
on Apr. 14 2011 at 5:42 pm
So incredibly moving and heartfelt. Your words will move and help and serve many. Keep up your fabulous energy, wonderful way with words, reach for your dreams .....you are going places!!!

fyakym said...
on Apr. 14 2011 at 10:28 am
Where can I get this and read it by a hard copy?! I am so proud (I am Rachael's friend from Indiana). I have only read a short bit so far, but cannot wait to read more! Thank you for the encouragement! I am speechless!

timshutes said...
on Apr. 14 2011 at 8:56 am
Way to go Marie - we're so proud of you!  what incredibly honest and bold writing.

Miss B said...
on Apr. 13 2011 at 10:50 pm
Hey, Marie.  Your writing is honest, piercing, unforgettable - just like you are. I am proud to be your friend, and will forever be.  Much love to you and Rachael.

jane said...
on Apr. 13 2011 at 9:57 pm
this is such a brave and brutal account of your past. the writing style is unique, captivating, and extremely well done. this is a brilliant accomplishment and something to be very proud of! 

SarahJ said...
on Apr. 13 2011 at 7:32 pm
Your writing is very moving, Marie. I love how you share your story through poetry. Keep writing!

Opus said...
on Apr. 13 2011 at 6:46 pm

Terriffic and powerful Marie! I was so moved by your expressions and the flow of your pen!

I always knew you were a gifted writer and one day your story would be shared..how brave!

You are an amazing being and I am incredibly proud of you!  I love you dearly, am inspired by you, and am incredibly grateful grateful for knowing you.. you are on to greatness!


Coalin said...
on Apr. 13 2011 at 6:26 pm
Such a powerful real life story. I really enjoyed this piece! 

BritinSB said...
on Apr. 13 2011 at 6:05 pm
What an amazing, courageous person and beautiful person Marie is for sharing her life story with us. This book will be an inspiration to the young and the old and everyone inbetween.


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