Frantically searching through Netflix’s back catalog to try to find the perfect choice for Friday Movie Night, I came across a movie named “Ace Ventura- Pet Detective”. Momentarily fooled by the innocent title and the PG-13 rating, I figured “What’s the harm?” and put it on. The movie kicks off innocent enough as Jim Carrey’s loony titular protagonist rescues a grateful dog from an abusive owner, makes a daring escape, and delivers him right back to his grateful owner…who immediately performs a lewd act on him as “payment”. At that point, I was just about ready to find something else to watch. However, for reasons unknown to me, I kept it on anyway, perhaps because I was still clinging to the false hope that it would somehow turn into the cute, family-friendly flick it was meant to be, which it most definitely did not. And so, about 85 minutes of even more disgusting, scatological, unfunny R-rated jokes AND situations later, the credits finally rolled, leaving me with the feeling that I had seen something as close to literal cinematic trash as I could get. OK, considering Jim Carrey’s wacky depiction of the truly moronic (and muddleheaded) Ace Ventura which almost saves the movie, that MIGHT be a little harsh. But still, if you’re expecting something like Dr. Dolittle, you’ll be in for a big surprise. Even if you DO feel like watching a dumb, crass comedy to pass the time, the film doesn’t even work as THAT either. By lacking the comedic brilliance, hilarious timing, and truly embarrassing moments that made “dumb comedies” like Austin Powers and Beavis and Butthead Do America actually work, Ace Ventura winds up being just plain dumb. Bottom line? Unless you want to experience what has got to be the most unfunny “comedy” ever, don’t even think about hiring this Pet Detective.