The excruciating eternity that seemed to pass while I watched "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" would have been better spent staring at a blinking light. Put simply, this movie is so unbelievably stupid that it will reduce the neuron activity in your brain to the point where you feel comatose.
Lola (Lindsay Lohan) moves from the Big Apple to a bohemian-chic neighborhood in New Jersey. From that point on, life becomes exceedingly difficult: there is a more popular girl in school and she can't get tickets to see a rockin' (read: horrible) concert. Lola's life becomes a daily struggle to usurp said-popular girl and get into an exclusive party hosted by the band.
Somewhere in the middle of it all, there is a weak sub-plot that has Lola starring in a play. Her drama teacher is a raging alcoholic whose poor directorial skills threaten to run the play into the ground (where it rightfully belongs). Thank goodness for Lola, who saves the day when she performs song and dance numbers in a really short skirt. At least, it's assumed that Lola's voice saves the day; it's hard to tell because a techno beat booms in the background, presumably to drown her out.
Had Lola been written as if she had a soul, the movie could have been salvageable. Hopefully, the movie will find an audience blind enough to be impressed by the flashy colors of Lohan's gaudy costumes, or deaf enough to enjoy the ghastly singing.
If you are in the mood to vomit from bad acting and bad writing, then by all means see this movie. But if you want to keep your stomach and your sanity intact, see something with a little more substance. .
This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.