Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

June 24, 2012
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I learned a few things from this film. One: running for president can be a backup job when your real job is hunting down vampires. Unfortunately, 3-D effects, gorgeous people, fancy dresses, and British accents can't save a film when it really is that bad.

Abraham Lincoln (Benjamin Walker) is a normal kid with a normal life, until one day his mother is killed by vampires. Cue the dramatic music. This ignites his rage, and he trains with Henry Sturgess (Dominic Cooper) to defeat the wretched creatures. Along the way, he reunites with Will Johnson (Anthony Mackie), a former slave who becomes a lifelong friend.

Lincoln meets new allies and enemies as well. The ­audience gets to see Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), his wife, as a headstrong woman who often gets her way, whether in family or political affairs. Despite the dangerous quest, ultimately, we know Lincoln must survive to sign the Emancipation Proclamation, end the Civil War, and unite the country.

Throughout, there are body parts flying everywhere with one death after another. There are fights on horses and disfigured men with eyes that reminded me of Mad-Eye Moody from “Harry Potter.” We get to watch in slow motion as blood spurts from intestines into Lincoln's face.

Unfortunately, the movie stumbles through transitions. Scenes are cut off when all we want is to see what happens next. The romance scenes between Lincoln and Mary are clichéd, dark, and laughable. The fight scenes fumble between camera shots and squirting blood. And what do Lincoln and Snow White's Huntsman have in common? They both use an ax to get the job done! With fancy martial arts-inspired moves, you're left wondering how Lincoln slaughtered more than a dozen vicious vampires only to be assassinated at Ford's Theatre by a lowly has-been actor.

“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” wasn't completely horrible. At least it kept me entertained. It has many glitches, but it brings new meaning to historical fiction, and who knew Lincoln wasn't a bad-looking man? If you want to see what 19th-century vampires were capable of before glittery Edward Cullen and the devastatingly gorgeous Salvatore brothers, check this out. These vampires, with their invisibility and fear of silver, are the real deal.

The movie has left me wondering what George Bush's side job was while in office. Watch out, ladies and gentlemen … you may just see “George Bush: The Tale of a Southern Mummy's Boy” coming to theaters near you

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

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MrSuz said...
Aug. 7, 2013 at 12:49 pm
Lol. Did you read the book? It's actually pretty good. I agree the movie was stupid but I liked it in a dumb fun kind of way. It was like watching a video game with all the ridiculous CGI action scenes.   And I wouldn't mind seeing the Bush movie you described at the end xD
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