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Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

The Rock flying a giant bee. Sounds like fun, right? Well, if that is your idea of fun, then Journey 2 might just be the movie for you. After having just watched this film, I can safely say I have never seen a more forgettable sequel other than Speed 2. I walked into the theater, not expecting anything, and left feeling like I never ever have to think about or even see this movie again because everything about screams “profit maker”. A movie made just for the sake of a making a quick buck, and we poor saps pounce each and every time, and it never fails, these movies continue to thrive and I don’t see them going away anytime soon. New Line Cinema was behind this movie, and I can see what they were thinking, “oh hey, here’s a sequel that we never thought we make, how about we throw a couple stars in here, slap some money into it, and call it a day”. I wish I could say more nice things about it, but I just can’t. I can’t find a part of my inner child that could say more things about this movie, I wish I could. The movie almost has no relation with the previous mess, except for the boy from the first one, still played by Josh Hutcherson. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson replaces Brendan Fraser, and rightly so. I will go to my grave saying I like The Rock as an actor, he has defiantly proven himself in countless other films, such as The Rundown or Walking Tall. Some more of his recent efforts ( The Tooth fairy) has left a lot to be desired, but he does a pretty decent job in this film for what bad dialog he is given. The rest of the cast do a decent job, such as Michael Caine as the grandfather who gave his grandson a message to find the island, the Mysterious Island (hence the title of the movie). Now let us talk about an actress that I rather hate in films, Vanessa Hudgens. Oh my god, can she be any worse? She can’t act, plain and simple, she can’t. Never have I cringed more when she tries to deliver her dialog. None of it ever sounded convincing, the stupid forced romance between her and Josh seemed idiotic and way to cliché. I sat there wanting her to just go away. Some of you might think otherwise, and that’s your opinion, even if it’s completely wrong. I don’t care how attractive she is, she can’t act, end of story. I would take Megan Fox over her any day, and she’s just a bad. Now that I’ve wiped my hands clean with that mess, let’s talk about the most glaring flaws I saw in this film. Ok, first off, the set up to when they go to the island was the absolute worst I’ve seen recently. The kid gets caught by the police after breaking into a satellite company, the Rock comes and picks him up, the two of them argue, and then it cuts to the next day. Sean (the kid’s name) uses what he knows to crack the code that his grandfather sent to him. The Rock walks into the room, and then all of the sudden, he just goes along with Sean’s crazy idea that this code was sent from his grandfather. The next thing I know, ten minutes go by, and they are heading their way to the island. Wait, wait , wait, you mean to tell me I’m expected to just forget the fact that only once did The Rock ever question Sean’s judgment about this? I don’t think so. So they met up with a pilot named Gabato and his daughter, Kailani (guess who?) and the four of them head off in search of the Mysterious Island. No character development, no interesting arguing between The Rock and Sean, nothing. They just go off and look for the island. Epically bad storytelling. Anyways, so they do actually find the island, and find the grandfather hidden in the jungle, after a brief, although exciting, chase from a giant lizard. So they also discover that this island actually is home to Atlantis. We are told that every 140 years or so, the island resurfaces and then goes back underwater after the next 140 years, but what they figure out is that the early on calculations that they island is supposed to sink back down in another 14 years, turns out is going to sink in about 1 day, so they go off in search of, oh boy, can’t believe I’m saying this, Captain Nemo’s lost sub. Ok, that’s it, I have had with this kids movies and the stupid plot threads, I mean, really? Captain Nemo’s sub is in this movie? I’m still having a hard time with that. So they go off and try to find it in time, and then comes the scene that I all made you interested by the beginning statement. They need to climb a mountain in order to get to their next destination, and they decide the best course of action is to…fly giant bees. First off, how does one control a bee? We don’t know, the movie just expects us to accept that idea. Good work movie, can’t even make a stupid idea about how one controls a bee, you just stand there and tells us to just accept it. Nice. They get chased by birds, they all survive, Sean gets a broken ankle, The Rock helps fix it, and then comes the most unnecessary scene in motion picture history, The Rock actually sings to Sean to help his ankle. I know, just go with it. He sings Over the Rainbow, but with some changed lyrics (which can be slightly humorous). But the thing I noticed more than The Rock actually singing, was the fact that his hands never once matched up to the music when playing the small guitar, not once. It’s like they didn’t even try to make it look like The Rock could strum the guitar. So they split up, Vanessa Hudgens and Michael Caine follow her father into the jungle, because in the middle of the night, he wanted to go the volcano because it is spilling out liquid gold…I give up trying to understand it…and The Rock and Sean go off and look for the sub. They find that the cave that holds the sub is actually under 100 feet of water, and they go down to find it, because it’s their only chance to get off the island. But wait, how can they do this without having their heads being caved in by the pressure? The movie shrugs that off as well, and telling us to just accept it. So they do find the sub, and get chased by a giant eel while they try and get inside the sub. And then comes the most ridiculous scene in the movie. The rock realizes that the batteries that power the sub are over 140 years old, and need a huge burst of electricity in order to get them running again. Oh, and you guessed it, he goes out and attempts to harness the power of the eel. The Rock puts on this very old fashion scuba gear and goes out, somehow able to breath 140 year old in the oxygen tank (shaking my head even as I write it). He takes a harpoon, which has a wire running to the batteries, and throws the harpoon into the mouth of the beast, charging the batteries. They all get saved, and live happily ever after right? WRONG! The film cuts to 6 months later, Sean and Vanessa Hudgens are together, the grandfather is back, and gives Sean a book for his birthday. But oh, this isn’t just some book, it’s a book filled with clues of what is hidden on the moon. So in the most lame attempt to set it up for a sequel, we are left with them all agreeing to go on this adventure. No one questioning the endeavor, even though they just got off an island where they almost got killed. No, of course the moon is safer, what am I thinking? So the end credits come up, and leave thinking, “well, another oncer, just like The Woman in Black”. If you have kids, take them, otherwise, I would wait for The Rock to actually be a man again, like he was in The Rundown. Watching him fly a bee might sound cool, but trust me, it’s not.



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RosyPosie96 said...
Feb. 26, 2012 at 9:36 pm:
Your review wanted to make me see just how bad this schlock-fest is.
 
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