New Moon Movie Review: The Memoirs of a Temporary Amnesiac

November 23, 2009
Custom User Avatar
More by this author
I am a practical person. Common sense is a good acquaintance of mine and logical thought processes are an even more loyal friend to me. I strategize, organize, and when I get the chance: perfect. -Not that that chance comes by too often. Overall, I think I’m a practical person. And as I sit here with the remainders my four ‘o’clock espresso grounds staring at the slow-to-fill computer screen I feel the need to reassure myself that. This reassurance in my capabilities is necessary because when I sat down to write my New Moon movie review I thought “No sweat! Jot down a few sentences and be done with it. “-I wish. I’ve done this type of thing before with no problem what-so-ever. So you may be wondering why I am babbling on about my thought process and coffee habits when I’m supposed to be writing a movie review. Let me clear that up for you right now by saying I don’t recall one full scene of the movie. I clearly remember drifting through the opinionated (to say the least) crowd at the wee hours of the morning and feeling completely enamored with the beautiful pictures dancing skittishly through my mind. But now, not two days later, I am at loss for what I saw in those two hours. Surprisingly though, even with my temporary amnesia I have come away with the new found ability to describe in stalker worthy detail the shape, smell, texture and essence of the abdomens belonging to Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner). How is it possible to obtain knowledge of texture and smell through a roll of film projected on a screen? I have no idea. I’m mean, sure, certain clothing articles were AWOL most of the movie (or at least the parts I remember). But why do I also feel this fluttering in my gut whenever his name is mentioned? Why do when I wake from my reveries I find that I’ve scribbled ‘Mrs. Taylor Lautner’ seventeen times onto my Christmas-treed English test? Someone help me diagnose this illness plaguing my soul and failing my grades! As a sworn Edward fan (when I say Edward I mean the character depicted by Stephenie Meyer in the books not that impostor with disgustingly pasty skin) I am sworn to regard the movie of Edwards absence with the vigorous hatred reserved only for green vegetables and Satan. I would rather tell my Catholic mother I'm gay, pregnant, or Baptist than admit to enjoying a Jacob Black film. Sadly was I to tell you I didn't like it I would be lying.
While considering this baffling movie I have come to one conclusion. This is that I never saw New Moon. I must have misread my pre-ordered meticulously looked-upon ticket and come to the wrong over-crowded midnight premiere of another movie where fan girls covered themselves in sparkles and fawned giddily over their life-size Robert Pattinson cardboard cutouts. That’s the only logical explanation. Surely I would recognize the book I’ve read cover to cover countless times if I had seen it in theaters. I tell you the truth the movie I saw was certainly not the heartbreakingly emotional literary work genius called New Moon; but was some magical new story that, though not what I expected, holds a very high pedestal within my psyche.
As an afterthought I might add that one scene has, in fact, returned to me. I distinctly recall a repulsive man who was so ugly that even the sun was afraid of touch his skin. He looked to be under an influence of sorts. I believe they referred to him as ‘Edward’. (What a coincidence!) Anyway should you see this movie I mistook for New Moon I encourage you to close your eyes when he comes on scene because the sight of him had a negative effect on some of the viewers sending them racing to the bathroom where they indubitably regretted their last meal. Other then this undesirable character this movie was impressive to say the least.

Join the Discussion

This article has 4 comments. Post your own now!

Jaquie This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 30, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Thank you!
Lexandem said...
Jun. 30, 2010 at 10:21 am
I loved this article! The wit embbeded in your writing was fantastic! keep it up!
the_Horsegirl This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 13, 2010 at 3:27 pm
I don't like the Twilight books/movies at all, so would have to disagree with you on certain points, but... this was really well written, and very funny.
If you get the chance, please check out my work. I'd appreiciate any comments you have!
Fayrouz This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Dec. 4, 2009 at 7:49 pm
I agree wtih you about the imposter with the pasty skin! robert pattinson does not come close to being edward! well-written with a good wit. does have some things in it that some might find offensive...just saying. I didn't find them offensive, but others might. just saying. check out my stuff?
bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback