Or How Are My Eyes Still in Their Sockets? by Stephanie Meyer

February 24, 2012
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
(Or How Are My Eyes Still in Their Sockets?)

Out of complete morbid curiosity, I took a chance to visit the vampire craze plaguing the bookshelves. Any reasonable person would've ventured into the book section with a flame torch. I had only my wits, but no money, so I simply borrowed Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse from a friend. Praise whatever book gods that Meyer hadn't written Breaking Dawn, or else I might haven't survived.

But that's not what you're here for, is it? Most people either love or hate Twilight, both with a deep, unyielding passion. With that in mind, let's dig in.

The most glaring problem is the characters. We have clumsy Bella Swan. Now, I'm not quite sure what you know about a lil' person called Mary Sue, but I'll introduce you to her anyway. Mary Sue, a term used in literary criticism, is fictional character with overly idealized and hackneyed mannerisms, lacking noteworthy flaws, and primarily functioning as a wish-fulfillment fantasy for the author or reader. Just what makes Bella Swan a Mary Sue? There's the fact she fawned over by the school despite being boring. Meyer tries to portray her as being intelligent, but all she does is toss in classic literature books and students claiming that ‘she's so smart.' She has a single acknowledged flaw: being clumsy. Wait a second… That's not a flaw! Hell, Edward is attracted to her because of how she smells, while Bella likes his looks. Shallow much? Edward is basically the male version of the Mary Sue AKA Gary Stu. Jacob was a decent character, until becoming a potential rapist. The rest are mostly idiots.

And then there's the story. Oh, dear GAWD, the story. Where to begin? It's predictable. Meyer tries to create a pretty picture, but a closer look shows she doesn't deserve that English major. Her punctuation, word meanings, etc is flawed greatly. Twilight is basically about a girl's over reliance on a boy, and manipulating another boy. This normally wouldn't be so bad. It could be AMAZING. If the characters JUST DIDN'T SUCK. Seriously. A subtlety manipulative heroine stringing two guys along, and paranormal overtones? Good! Twilight? Bad. Just bad.

Then who should read this? Nobody. Butttt, if you want a decent chuckle or to make some delightfully twisted fanfiction, go for it. Because, yes, this horrid series has some good fanfiction, you just gotta look.

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Kestrel This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 5, 2012 at 11:30 am
I love this! You write well, and I agree completely. I was actually a little offended at how popular Twilight became. Seriously, the followers of this series were looking up to a girl who sat around for MONTHS doing NOTHING because her boyfriend broke up with her. What is wrong with our society when that becomes a famous story?! Yes, I read the books, yes, I saw the movie, and yes, I laughed hysterically through the entire thing. I couldn't believe that people were taking it so seriously. I'm gl... (more »)
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