Dear Mysterious Forces,

I am writing to say how frustrated I am with the persistent problem of missing socks. Yes, what I said was correct. Missing socks. Families around the world struggle with this issue, which leaves them scratching their brains and whispering to themselves, “Where in tarnation has my other sock gone?” Now, this may seem like a very small issue, but you will never understand the struggles of getting your socks out of the laundry—only to see a few missing—until it has happened to you. It fills a few with rage and some with despair as their favorite pair of socks can never be worn again because one of them has been lost into the endless abyss of nowhere.

Do you believe we are blind to it? Do you really think that we're too consumed by our hectic lives to not notice one sock completely vanishing from our loads of laundry? Mysterious Forces, we have you cornered. We're aware of your covert sock-snatching tactics, and we will not let them slide.

I'm not one to assign blame without offering a solution for the problem. Thus, I suggest that we declare a ceasefire. We pledge not to extensively research and expose your whereabouts in exchange for the end of your reign of terror. Deal? It sounds like a sweet one to me. You may remain mysterious and never to be found; all that we ask for is the return of our beloved socks.

I am aware that you might have your own motivations for vanishing our cherished foot coverings. Perhaps you're digging a warm and comfortable sock fort down underneath the surface of the planet. Or maybe, you're in a parallel universe, putting our socks in a lavish sock fashion display. Perchance you’re just searching households for socks to make pairs because you yourself have a few missing. Whatever the situation, I beg you to think about the toll you have enacted on us, mere mortals. Constantly realizing how many socks may go missing with each new laundry load is deteriorating to our mental health and physical well-being. We cannot afford to keep throwing away money towards mere socks for our helpless toes that can only rely on these coverings for protection from the terrors of the outside surroundings—not in this economy at least.

Consider the countless hours lost searching through drawers, delving through laundry baskets, and trying (in vain) to match mismatched socks. Imagine the suffering a sock would feel upon discovering that its companion is nowhere to be found, left alone and hopeless from that moment onwards. Imagine the heartache that socks go through thinking their one and only mate has abandoned them eternally with no explanation as to why. Pretend you are that sock. How would you feel never knowing why your lifelong companion has suddenly got up and left you for no reason? If nothing else makes you change your mind, I hope this terrible scenario will.

Mysterious Forces, do not be alarmed; I have offerings for peace. If you still fail to see the logic behind our ceasefire, I can offer one additional proposal. We will provide sacrificial offerings of one single sock per household every month to satisfy your voracious thirst for footwear in exchange for the safe return of our currently lost socks. Every single missing sock that you have had a part in stealing should be surrendered. Just for good measure, we shall also include a couple of worn-out T-shirts. Maybe a few old pants as well, if you desire them too. Considering your history of an insatiable taste for things that cover one’s feet, we might add in a few old shoes as well. Now you have something even more decorative to put on your exposed hooves, dogs, grippers, or paws—whatever classifies as the feet you so desperately need covers for.

Taking my proposals into account, what do you say? Let's finally put a stop to this ridiculous sock-stealing spectacle. Life is too short to waste it looking for misplaced socks, after all.

Yours in exasperation,

Everyone you’ve ever stolen a sock from