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Clandestine Heartbeats

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October evening bathed our souls with light,
Illuminating shoulders ‘gainst the sea;
Our heartbeats ran through winds and through the night,
Appreciating fin’lly being free.
Your French was weak, though ‘twas melodic too;
Through tears you whispered “bye,” a hated word
That I would love to never hear from you,
For leaving you once more is just absurd.
Your voyage would depart in moment’s time,
Yet I could not remove my grasp from yours;
To shift my gaze from yours––a dreadful crime,
A sin much like what does these ghastly shores.
For though this ship may mar your heart with holes,
Its journey cannot sep’rate our joint souls.



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TotheSea said...
Nov. 9, 2011 at 5:49 am
You did a very nice job with this.  I like the phrase "joint souls."  Special piece :)
 
jasont727 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 12, 2011 at 7:50 pm
Thank you so much! Once again, your comments are extremely appreciated and lovely :)
 
Dudeinpants8 said...
Nov. 7, 2011 at 4:30 am
Is there anything more rhythmic than iambic pentameter? Gorgeous effort
 
jasont727 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 7, 2011 at 11:54 pm
Thank you so much! I love sonnets but iambic pentameter just sometimes does not work for me. I feel like it turned out pretty well here though! Thank you so much! :)
 
EoinC replied...
Nov. 8, 2011 at 1:01 pm
Any criticism I would add would be meant in purely a constructive sense, you understand :) A voyage does not depart in the same way that a ship or a cruise does, that's a tiny thing though, and that line about French, being weak but also melodic, would not be out of place in any proper poetic anthology. I can not stress this enough, this is fantastic. Subscribed :)
 
jasont727 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 8, 2011 at 6:43 pm
Thank you! I see what you mean with your criticism, and I appreciatingly accept it. I honestly am so glad that you have enjoyed my work! I would love to read yours, but you have not posted anything yet--I shall be waiting for you to do so! Thank you so much for the subscription as well :)
 
EoinC replied...
Nov. 9, 2011 at 2:12 am
Have been waiting on approval from the editors for some time now. Keep writing! :)
 
jasont727 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 9, 2011 at 2:16 am
You too! I submitted a piece 7 weeks ago that still is waiting to be approved....but I submitted this one last week and it was approved within 3 days. It's a very odd process, you just have to let it happen when it does haha. I'm keeping an eye out for your work for sure! :) And don't worry, I don't think I ever stop writing (I have what, 50-odd pieces posted on this website alone)? :]
 
EoinC replied...
Nov. 9, 2011 at 9:47 am
I've got one sonnet coming through, one free verse poem and one in iambic pentameter but not any recognized form.. should be interesting :) This is such an incredible facility... Hahah, same I have about 200 poems/stories/papers written on my own back by now
 
jasont727 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 12, 2011 at 7:51 pm
I can't wait to reaad all of them!
 
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