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Under the Same Moon

I can hear the hum
I can feel your veins
Reaching out just to catch your pain

I used to know how to dream
now life flows on, like an endless stream

Melancholy goodbyes

Your tears are just another drop into the sea
Sometimes it's hard to believe you breath the same air as me

So watch the moon-fall on your silent balcony
And I'll gaze too,
If I can blank out the city streets

The same stars above,
day after day
seem different now, as I see your face

I'll cover your fears with my flushed cheek bones
as you kiss me
between the ears



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This article has 28 comments. Post your own now!

so_joy said...
Aug. 16, 2012 at 10:32 pm
I love this! I especially love when you say "between the ears" instead of "on the lips". Beautiful! Please read,rate,and comment on my poems! Thanks!
 
MoraleAsh said...
Dec. 25, 2011 at 3:09 pm
I find this piece extremely romantic and I like it a lot, especially when you put the situation into perspective: "breathing the same breath". Great job with this one :)
 
LittleMissSunshine08_11 said...
Nov. 27, 2011 at 5:33 pm
I like the pretty, flowy, not overly-wordy language. I agree with Im--NOT--Rayyn, with the Romeo and Juliet reference. It's an unusual (in a good way, definitely) love poem, and I really like it. Great work!
 
Im--NOT--RayynThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Nov. 27, 2011 at 9:41 am
Somehow this reminds me of Romeo and Juliet. I don't really know, maybe it's the balcony part. I like how it seems like you are saying the words like you're trying to make it seem like it doesn't matter, if that makes sense.
 
AlaskaFrost This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Nov. 26, 2011 at 11:58 am

wow. i just added this to my favorites because this is such a GREAT poem!! first of all, the title is amazing. the poem flows so nicely and there are so many good lines!!

"I used to know how to dream
now life flows on, like an endless stream

Melancholy goodbyes"

^some of my favorite lines!!

 

GREAT JOB! i hope this gets published

 
dontforget This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 26, 2011 at 10:00 pm
Thanks!! (:
 
Rayne said...
Nov. 26, 2011 at 12:47 am
***** Haha i meant now life flows on, like an endless stream
 
Rayne said...
Nov. 26, 2011 at 12:46 am
Really pretty:) I especially like the line "I used to know how to dream/ now like flows on, an endless stream."
 
dontforget This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 26, 2011 at 10:01 pm
Thank you(:
 
samiasaskia24 said...
Nov. 25, 2011 at 8:04 pm
I like the simple language, the flowing of the phrases, but the alternating amount of lines in the stanzas. It is creatively constructed!
 
dontforget This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 26, 2011 at 10:01 pm
Thanks!!(:
 
The_End said...
Nov. 25, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Honestly I think the only things that might need tweaking are the stanza's beginning with "So watch..." and "The same stars..."

What I love about the first few stanzas are their physical connotation ("hum...veins" "tears...breathe same air..."). They are what make the poem so raw and emotional. The last stanza is only further proof of that as well. But those middle sets of lines have a sense of detachment, and don't seem to pack quite as much of a punch.

Of course, you could by ... (more »)

 
dontforget This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 26, 2011 at 10:03 pm
Thanks! I'll take those things into account! I really do appreciate it.
 
LoudDreamerThis teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
Nov. 25, 2011 at 1:15 pm
This is pretty good. What kinda genre music genre is this ment to be sung to? I can imagine this being country or perhaps folk, its got that same sadly-sweet vibe.
 
dontforget This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 26, 2011 at 10:05 pm
Yes, it is supposed to be bittersweet, but definitely not country lol the melody reminds me somewhat of owl city songs or "like we used to" by rocket to the moon.
 
Jennypig said...
Nov. 23, 2011 at 7:56 pm
I love this poem its really emotional like... your really good =)
 
Smiler replied...
Nov. 27, 2011 at 6:42 pm
I really liked this!! I've got to say that you are a very talented writter! I've read some of your poems and they are all fantastic!:) Keep up the good work
 
EmmaNemma said...
Nov. 23, 2011 at 7:21 pm
I really like this poem. I like the way how it slowly transitions from a structured rhyme to more free speak. When I read this I imagined a girl waiting for a soldier to come back home.
 
dontforget This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 23, 2011 at 7:22 pm
Thanks(: thats not h
 
dontforget This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Nov. 23, 2011 at 7:23 pm
Thank you!(:
 
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