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To my father
‘Fights between them few, and even those I’m not meant to hear.
In my body pain and a sickening fear
A tone of condescension in his voice, anger in his eyes.
Speaking in bitterness, does he hear his own lies?
Love wanted, disappointment gained.
Each scar from him, on my heart blood stained.
He’s the reason, the problem ill never address.
The man who is too proud, the man whose life is based on success.
Don’t disappoint, don’t embarrass….be everything he wants me to be.
Maybe someday he’ll notice, praying that someday he’ll see.
But he never does, but he damn well embraces each mistake.
Nobody’s perfect, for goodness sakes.
Going deeper, I realize I never want to be in my mother’s shoes.
Where im second in command, always feeling used.
Words destroying me, because of a hurt man.
Fearing his anger, and an abusive hand.
A father wound, too deep to ever be fully healed.
A secret in the past, forever sealed.
If brought up to him, innocence he pleas….turning the table like im the fool.
Blaming me, saying he’s given me everything….how could I be so ungrateful and cruel.
Well father, im not who you want…but I knew that long ago.
The pain you’ve caused me, I suppose you’ll never know.
Because of you, I run away from every boy….seeing you in his face.
Thinking of your love/hate emotional state, when his lips I taste.
The thing I hate the most is that you are part of me.
And because of that ill never be completely free….’