light vs dark

June 19, 2012
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I dipped my foot in the water and watched the fish swim
but he took my hand and pulled me back he said the water would drag me in
A wave rose and it called out my name
he made me promises of fortune and fame
He told me I could have all the treasures of the sea
He told me everyone would know my name no longer would i be quiet little me
He told me to follow him and everything my heart desired would be mine
but he never ever mentioned i had to pay a fine
So i jumped into the water and the first thing i could see
Is pearls and other treasures waiting there for me
I reached for a pearl and held it for a second
then the waves piled on top of me I thrashed and I beckoned
It was trapping me
so i fought and struggled to get to the surface of the sea
I was alone, I was scared, it was cold, I was in pain
I got to the surface and I called out his name
I yelled loud hoping he would hear me
But I never had to yell he was always near me
The second I asked for help and forgiveness the waves let me go
then it all went black what happened after? I don't know
Then I woke up on the dock and he was healing me
I turned my head and looked over at the spacious sea
but now the water wasn't blue and clear like before
it was black and murky there was no life anymore
"Listen my child stay away from that dangerous water"
I looked up at him "I will never doubt you my father"





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cecchmate said...
Jan. 22, 2014 at 10:57 pm
I thought your imagery and idea is really good, but I think without the explanation I wouldn't have known what exactly you were trying to get across. At first I thought you were talking about maybe a deceptive boyriend/romantic relationship, and I didn't originally think 'satan'. Maybe you could use more obvious/direct terminology to lead someone to believe that? I definitely got the 'Father'/'God' reference, of course - but switching from satan to God got me conf... (more »)
 
InaniAna said...
Jan. 22, 2014 at 1:49 am
I like the massge, and the way you compare satan to a deceptive wave is creative. The imaginary is wonderful, still I believe it lacks little punctuation and apparently 'He' is used for satan, God and father? A litte confusing, yet a Good read! Keep up the good work! ^_^
 
MyAttempt said...
Jan. 22, 2014 at 12:49 am
YOU BETTA GO HEAD!
 
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