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At this raw and fierce
and intimate hour you
tell me everything

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EmmaClaire0823 said...
Jan. 8, 2014 at 10:04 am
I think my biggest critic for this poem is the word "and." It might just be my style, but stating the word "and" three times is overkill for me. You could take out just one of the "and"'s or you could take out both. Just play with it and see what you think. Also, for the phrase "you tell me everything" you can be more figurative. "You pour out your soul" is kinda what I am thinking of, but again it is your writting. I like how short this is, ... (more »)
haley101This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Jan. 8, 2014 at 8:55 pm
thank you. haikus are something I've started to work on, and my poems before this were a lot lengthier. the longest i posted was Saphhire's Lexis Mentor which is about four pages. real long. and you're right about the ands too! while i was reading that, i was like, she's so right. i could omitt them completely, or have just one. thanks for the suggestion!
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