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Like rain letting go
Of the sadness held inside
I let myself cry




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Allthegoodnamesaretaken said...
May 1, 2011 at 12:19 pm:
I honestly did like this but I have some constructive criticism. 1st of all, you are the one with emotions not the rain, and the way you phrase that makes it seem like the rain is the emotional one. Also, the word sadness is too simple and overused. when writing, try to change the words that are overused, i.e. sorrow would have worked ok there. if you cant think of a synonym yourself, google synonyms for a word. Besides those two things u should tweak, this is good.
 
Justbeme replied...
May 1, 2011 at 1:29 pm :
Thanks for the help I will try to make the few changes could you see my other haiku poem Sunshine that I share with you I would really like the constructive criticism
 
singergurl12 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
May 2, 2011 at 6:29 am :
I didn't agree at all, actually. It doesn't seem like the rain is the one crying- I love your wording and comparison- please keep it the way it is!
 
Allthegoodnamesaretaken replied...
May 2, 2011 at 6:09 pm :
Actually, she does very clearly  make it sound like the rain is emotional. She said "Like rain letting go of the sadness held inside". Right there, she is saying the rain is letting go of sadness.
 
singergurl12 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
May 2, 2011 at 6:13 pm :
that's where you infer how she wanted you to read it though... yes, maybe there should have been a comma there. "Like rain, letting go/ Of the sadness held inside" but other than that, i don't see it at all being wrong...
 
Allthegoodnamesaretaken replied...
May 2, 2011 at 6:20 pm :
Ok yea your right. i see how the comma could havebeen forgotten there. then it would make perfect sense.
 
singergurl12 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
May 2, 2011 at 6:22 pm :

LOL yeah- after a lot of practice reading bad poetry (which this is definately NOT), you learn to add in punctuation- i guess I just didn't even notice I was doing it lol

to the author- still, great work. it's the greatest compliment to have two other authors argue over a peice of yours ;)

 
Justbeme replied...
May 3, 2011 at 8:09 pm :
wow thanks all of you! I really like the criticism and oops yes i did forget the comma next time i will review my work more when i got the first comment i was like oh no! but thanks for pointing that out!
 
singergurl12 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
May 3, 2011 at 8:13 pm :
lol no prob xD
 
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