Ive been looking for a while
I never wanted to be defiled
Im screaming out in pain
If there is a god
Well father
How come you never answer when I call your name?
How come there are other people who feel the same?
I want to believe
I really do
But I can't believe if there’s no one to breathe into.
Dont underestimate me
The last person who did that didn't live to regret it
Ill scour the world for proof
But what's the point
If every broken dream was never mended
Every penny I get
Ill spend it
Holding up your name
To get nothing in return
Just so you have your 15 minutes of fame.
I want you to be real
I want you to be real
I want you to be real
But I cant see past these tears
I cant see past the rear view mirror
Constantly looking into the past
Cause every words you say
Is everything I fear.
Im like a prostitute
WIth my search for a substitute
You were the drug I wanted to choose
You were the calling that I held onto
But you never called me back
So whats the point of living for you
When the drug in me
Was never you.
So I turned to others
For the love you could never provide
I turned to my mother
Who showed me how emotional abuse was why I cried
Ill never remember your name
Ill never hold onto your grain
Ill never let you control my flame
But I want you to be real
I want you to be real
I want you to be real
But if you even exist
All you did was leave me here.
I want you to be real
I want you to be real
I want you to be real
But you were never here.
Ive read your book front to back
But the answers I seek aren’t in that
The questions I meet aren’t a simple fact
Where is your son when we needed him?
Are you god the father?
Or god the son?
The one who changed the water?
Or the one who made the sun?
Mentally, physically, slaughtered
Your stories say this was done
But how can I trust a story
Especially a made up one?
God answer me here
God please let me sleep near
Where were you when your children were dying
And beaten by their elders
Who were nowhere near sober
Drunken on your god-forsaken beer
Id rather you just left me here
Id rather you just kill me
Im sure you dont feel me
But if you’re real
Then kill me
Or am I not worth your smitten spear?
God I dont feel you here
God I dont feel you here
But I want you to be real
I want you to be real
I want you to be real
But I guess
The darkness
Never seemed so clear.
The words seem to ramble on
My words seem to be the staple that laid upon
The stack of papers you never file
The stack of labels you never let know were worth your while
I am just the staple that helped keep them together
I am just the bond that let evil strain its tether
I should have left it how it was
I should have left when i knew it was done
But I didn’t want to lose
Another love.
Father
Mother
Sister
Gun
I turn again to the bullets of pain
Playing Russian Roulette
Trying not to refrain
I swear im a hopeless dame
But where there is no god
There is no reason to carry the blame.
I want you to be real
I want you to be real
I want you to be real
But you’re not
I swear I’ve tried but you’re not
I’m angry
But I haven’t forgot
When you let her lay that knife upon me
And said
Yes
Go on.
I want you to be real
I want you to be real
I wanted you to be real