Ordinary Days Without You

April 28, 2018

It's just another ordinary Tuesday
When I get an email,
Opened it only to read the first word-
“Congratulations!”
I didn’t read on
Wow- I thought-
As I bolted across the gym to my friend who read the email out loud
Excitement was sitting just below the skin on my face
I already know what it said but needed to hear the it.

It was just an ordinary Tuesday
When an email gave me another life changing moment
This email will send me to Tennessee all expenses paid
I celebrated- telling anyone who would listen.
But anyone wasn’t you.
I wanted to tell you.
I needed to-
But telling you is impossible.

It was just an ordinary Tuesday
When my celebration turned cold.
I remembered you will never know these things.
Sometimes I forget- I forget you don’t know my life
I hide my feelings from the world.
They can’t know I still love you.
They can’t see I still need you.
I am not allowed to need you.

It was just an ordinary Wednesday
When I told my her parents over the phone
I forgot again for a moment
I forgot you don’t know me anymore.
I can’t tell you
But they can’t know that I miss you.
So it’s just another Wednesday without you.

Days go by I always manage to forget-
But you always manage to cross my mind.
You are a demon I try to hide-
Something that controls me from so far away.
You are my conscious
Isn’t that concerning?
You- a villain- are telling me right from wrong?

But was just another ordinary Thursday
When I picked up my phone.
I opened a messaging app to text your brother-
I typed it all out telling you everything-
Then deleted the message.
He doesn’t exist anymore either.
Neither does his daughter.
Neither does your dad.
They are ghosts in my memories-
Souls that no longer exist.

It was just an ordinary Thursday
I went to the garage so no one would know-
I dialed your brother’s phone number and hit call.
A ghostly voice answered-
It was him.
We talked-
I talked-
I told him everything and I told him I miss you both.

It was just an ordinary Friday
When I felt guilty around her for calling your brother.
I wanted him to be able to tell you about me-
I want you to know my life.
I am sick of hiding my feelings.
But they can’t know I still love you.
They can’t see I still need you.
I am not allowed to need you.

It was just an ordinary Saturday
When I told myself I do really need you.
I don’t go a day without thinking about you.
I want you to know me.
But I am sixteen- and you aren’t allowed.
But they can’t know I miss you.
So it’s just another Saturday without you.

Another Sunday goes by.
Another Monday, Tuesday,Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday-
You rarely leave my mind,
But sometimes- when I am stressed,
I forget you.
But I have to admit it, I really do need you.
You are what changed my life most.

The author's comments:

When someone is forced out of you life through a family fallout between adults, the kids suffer. They can suddenly lose so much and be told to not like certain people and they will never completely understand why.


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