I am a girl

I feel the never ending weight to be someone i am not
To look as flawless as those girls on instagram
Who spend hours perfecting their face for one photo
To look like a girl made in the dreams of a man i don’t want
To act like a plastic doll, changeable, moveable, done up however, perfect

But i was taught by my parents that i was strong, independent, capable
Able to be anything,
Able to change the world
Strong enough
Pretty enough
Worthy
That i could be as strong as a man
Handsome as a man
Have the same opportunities as a man
Be as qualified as a man
Get the same pay as a man for doing the same work
But it was a lie

I was instead taught by my surroundings to wonder endlessly whether I am adequate
If i look pretty
If i am desirable
If the guy i don’t care for notices me
Notices the way i look
Instead of my personality and the qualities that make me me
Independent, dependable, sincere, goofy, filled with love,
and the want to learn, succeed, and achieve
If i look the way that model in the magazine does
Who has been molded, and shaped into what we are taught is perfection
Flat stomach, long legs, defined cheekbones, perfect hair, impeccable makeup, big hips

I have been hoodwinked into thinking about only what they think of me
Only if they think i live up to society's expectations of me as a girl
Not if i thought i was important
If i thought i was good
To always put people's ideas and perceptions of me above my own
To change into the girl that everyone thought i should be instead of asking myself
What i thought
Why does my desirability define my future
My looks dictate my character
I have put on so many different faces all i can do is wonder,
Wonder about the girl i would have been
without the endless amount of social expectations i have to live up to

I am often looked at, not as a human, but as an object,
a toy,
To be bought and sold,
To do one's bidding and then be thrown to someone else
I was taught that no one wanted to see the faults or imperfections
Even if that meant masking and locking away every part of myself

As a girl i face twice as many challenges than any man ever will
I will have to work twice as hard to prove myself
To get what i deserve
To earn respect
And all because what
Because i was born with a vagina
I was born with expectations already heavy on my heart
I will be given less than my brothers
But not because i don’t deserve it
No because i am considered less
valued less

But I will not go down without a fight
Without my voice being heard
Because I deserve the same opportunities as my older brothers
I hope that one day that will be possible
That I might be able to have the same pay as them
Have the same job
Have the same qualifications
That I can walk down a street without feeling terrified that my body will be touched and penetrated
That I can sleep without the fears of sexual assault that float in my mind, like a never ending storm cloud that is forever around
But I will succeed
I will do anything
I am valued, maybe not by society but by myself
I will never stop fighting for the equality I deserve
Because I am good enough
Pretty enough
Worthy enough
no one should be able to take my values away from me
Because I am a woman