who is she?

April 19, 2018
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who is she?

her sunken eyes stare back at me
I search for any sign of light
but the rings of blue that orbit her pupils are
eclipsed by fear and false reality
at the center, the dulled pencil points of her irises are
cold.
still.
their shimmer is gone

tears stream down her cheeks,
two hollow porcelain bowls
the untouched food on the table glares up at her
glistening with grease and gluttony and guilt
her body craves nourishment
her mind craves control

her frail frame aches with weakness
bruises like blots of purple ink stain the surface of her skin
stamped into her spine across hours of sit-ups on cold bathroom floors
her bones protrude through sickly skin
jeans slip down her bony hips, clothes hang limp like dead leaves
railroad tracks of scars run down her wrists
deep canyons carved out with razor blades
ribbons of crimson blood pour out from her veins
she is a corpse covered in pale pink tissue paper
wrapped up in denial and fake smiles
concealing her pain

she chases perfection
to be beautiful, thin, popular, worthy
a mirage arising from the stress and pressure that beats down on her like blazing desert sun
chased by demons that drive her fears
of failure, of flaw, of fat

she runs up and down, back and forth, desperate to escape the screams hidden within
along the sidelines of soccer fields, around her school, through grocery store aisles
pinpricks of black dots dance in dizzying patterns, blurring her vision
blind to the whispers that slip from the mouths of strangers
who watch with gaping mouths
as an emaciated girl runs with open arms toward the precipice of death

the grip of her illness holds her tightly
its force crashes down upon her in waves
powerful, relentless, overwhelming
slamming into her weak knees
her thin limbs quiver, tremble, tumble out from under her as the tide breaks
she collapses underneath the grip of the current
pinned below the surface, breathless, gasping for air
her rawboned body too damaged for repair
she clings onto life, a life stolen by a disorder that lured her in
a dagger disguised as an anchor to keep her afloat, she clings onto false promise
a little girl, 12 years old
drowned by deception and darkness

april 14 , 2013
snow falls like ash from the sky
covers the barren fields where her soccer game was to be played
panic claws at her chest
trapped inside her house, her head
nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from the voices screaming
to push through the exhaustion
the emotion
the emptiness
to burn through thin tissue, withered, weak, wilted
to set her decaying insides ablaze

her world implodes
screams and sobs erupt, shattering the silence, the safest place to stay
debris and dust fill the room as her mother holds her tightly, afraid she will collapse if she stands
her tears burn with anger and acidity, scorching the ground as she breaks away
slips through and lunges for the banister
little brother lurches forward, pulls her away just in time
aching with agony, anguish, anger
she feels there is no escape, no way to fix her broken mind

she spends nights in stiff hospital beds
nurses and heart monitors stare at her with wary eyes as she sleeps
forced to fight her way from the bottom of the abyss
she strives to rid herself of the monster, bite by bite, step by step, day by day
struggling and stumbling and sometimes slipping,
but never stopping, rising with resilience when she falls
never losing sight of what lies beyond bleak white hallways and brown brick walls

she is the girl I used to be.
now she is only a shadow, a faint memory
of a time where I was enslaved by a sickness
that tore my life apart and ripped my soul at the seams

though the scars have faded and the wounds have healed
she will always be part of me
now I seek her strength, her stamina, her stubborn nature
the powers that once made my illness soar
to fight for those who are lost, afraid, alone
who seek help but find only silence and stigma
to helps heal broken wings
of beautiful minds, of beautiful people who struggle with mental illness
so that they too can climb above the clouds
and look down with joy upon their lives
a life a little girl thought she would never know






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