Maybe...

April 9, 2018

Do you ever feel tired?
Tired of everything?
‘Cause I do.
I feel worthless,
Broken
I know people care,
But I feel so alone

I don’t want to die
I only want the pain to end.
But I can’t do It.
That would destroy my family.
I just…
I just don’t want to be here anymore.

Sometimes, I feel selfish because of the way I feel
My life is so amazing compared to others
I feel like I have no reason to feel this way
But I still do.
I want it to stop
I want to be happy again.
I don’t want to be so sad anymore
I want to be better

I want to live.
But…
I want the pain to stop
People don’t kill themselves because they want to die,
They kill themselves to stop the pain.
It doesn’t though,
It only transfers the pain to someone else,
And maybe,
Just maybe that’s why I’m still here.

I’m scared that the pain, MY pain, will be transferred.
I’ve lived with it for so long,
But I feel like I can’t live with it anymore
I’m scared.
I’m not going to do It though
I don’t want anyone else to feel this way.

People like me, the depressed, suicidal, mentally ill,
Try to be kind to everyone,
Can talk people out of bad things,
Because
We know how it feels to hate every fiber of yourself,
To want to die,
To be in pain
And nobody should ever feel that way.

They say the saddest people are the kindest,
The suicidal are the most gentle,
Because they know what it feels like,
To feel worthless,
And would rather hurt themselves than anybody else.

My name is Rylie,
I live in the United States,
I have Autism,
Aspergers,
Severe Depression,
Severe Generalized Anxiety,
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder,
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,
And an eating disorder.

I feel broken,
Anxious,
Depressed,
Tired,
Sick,
Ugly,
Worthless,
Damaged.

I want to give up,
But I won’t.
I can’t do that to my family.
Maybe I will never be successful,
Maybe I will be a middle school dropout because I couldn’t get out of bed
Maybe I will never amount to anything.

But maybe,
I’ll do homeschool so I don’t need to leave the house,
Maybe I’ll write a book,
Maybe, one day I will finally feel like I belong.
Maybe I’ll cure cancer,
Maybe I’ll save a life.
Maybe… I’ll feel happy again.
Maybe, I’ll have a child someday

That’s what keeps me going.
That’s why I’m still here.
I want to make a difference,
Maybe saving myself is all I can do right now,
But maybe that’s all I need to do

I may never feel beautiful,
I may never feel wanted,
I may never be happy again,
But if I can save someone from what I’m going through,
I can feel complete.

My name is Rylie,
And I will not give up.






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