I don’t wanna let people know i’m different
I was an awkward kid into an awkward family
Neither of my parents was quite ready for me
None of them could have expected me being so different from everybody else
Doubt either of them wanted me to be like that either
But they got what they got, oh well
I was far different than everyone else in my grade or even my school
I possessed many good qualities
Unwavering curiosity, endless imagination, and the destructive urge to never shut up
But with those qualities came the bad ones
Unwavering loneliness, endless self doubt, and never knowing when not to say something
Trapped inside my own mind
Inside my mind I was happy, awesome, and loved
I was my own best friend
But on the outside was something very different
Always being scared, always crying, never wanting anyone to look at me
While never quite understanding why
What about people scares me?
They are predictable and completely unpredictable at the same time
They are predictable in that they will treat you differently once they figure out you are different
But unpredictable in if that change will be positive or negative
Some will accept you for who you are
Others will find ways to exploit and destroy you, sometimes without you even knowing
Most people will do the latter
They will label you “a freak”
Choosing to destroy your self esteem
Leaving you a dried husk for their own amusement
Choosing to destroy what little happiness you had for a cheap, twisted laugh
They say “oh he acts different” and don’t even bother trying to engage with me
Nothing I do could ever be good enough
Nothing I say would ever be good enough
Not for them
Most days I don’t even try to engage with people
Try to stick to myself
Just keep quiet and then people will leave me alone
Even as I write this, I still try to convince myself that I don’t need people
That I can try and hide this crushing anxiety and pain behind a blank stare
But no matter how hard I try, I can’t
I can’t seem to shake the loneliness
The loneliness grips me hard, it doesn’t let go
I turn down invites to events just to sit alone in my room feeling sad I didn’t say yes
Just because I don’t want anyone to know how different I am
I don’t want people to see through the cracks of this grand disguise I have
I don’t wanna let people know i’m different