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March 21, 2018

My tongue ties up into a thousand knots as if

I threw all of my bracelets

and necklaces

and rings into

the deepest corners of my drawers.

 

Then, a couple months later

I wanted to wear

that one really pretty bracelet

with the protective blue eye

and I open my drawer

and my jaw drops in horror

of what I see.

tangled chains so tangled

that I think I will never

be able

to untangle them.

 

I stand in front of you

I can’t speak I just keep

getting redder and redder not

from the sun,

not

from lack of oxygen

but,

from embarrassment.

I feel like my legs have been tied to a cannon and

I was thrown

into the ocean

sinking deeper,

and deeper,

and deeper

until my toes touch the grainy sand and I am dragged by the stream,

my lungs filled with water,

my mouth fills with sand,

fish swim by 

the lonely corpse.

 

I don’t know you.

I don’t know who you are.

And I don’t know why I care so much

about what I say and

how I dress and

how I act and

what you think

of me.

You.

The stranger.

 

This thought enters my mind so slowly it’s

crawling, really

why

is it so slow?

I need my breath I need my voice back.

Once it’s fully settled in my mind my

shoulders loosen

the corners of my mouth go up,

and I'm finally floating,

not sunken anymore.

 

What am I doing still standing in front of you?

Why am I not leaving, I have a big life ahead of me, right?

And why do you care so much about what I say and

how I dress and

how I act and

what I think of you?

 

Why did it take me so long to realize that the only person I’m living for

is me?






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