This is a peak into my life...

February 2, 2018
By , Paxton, NE

You know my name,
Not my story, Much too boring,
Not my Joy, Not my pain,
Left alone, just me swimming through thoughts in my brain,
Day by day, all the way, everyday, in everyway,
I’m trapped here in this nightmare, I see no end in sight,
But is it all that bad, the farther down you get pushed, the higher you’ll stand when the pain subsides.
Life is only as bad as you make it, but is this my brain telling me I deserve the worst?
Am I making life this hard by existing, or is this because life doesn’t want me either?
But of course not, I deserve the place I make myself, and I’m going to make myself a castle, I will make myself royalty, not because I deserve it, but because I want it, and I will push myself to the limits getting what I want.
I’m living life by the sword, and quite frankly, I’m getting pretty bored,
Being bored, every night, late nights, scary nights, scary fights,
And yet that’s probably why I still get them night frights,
Listening for anyone, Waiting to get saved, Yet there’s no way out,
Destroying my body, Physically, Mentally,
Peer pressure, I’m getting to be persuaded to do wrong,
But boy oh boy, here I am, in a place I don’t belong,
Five oh, run boy run boy, jump boy, go away get away,
My last days in Arvada, Skipping school to chase the Nicotine,
I can feel it in my blood, in my brain, creating feelings of false safety,
I love chasing the poison in my veins, To the old love, my love, my Nikki,
I can feel you in my blood, sprinting through my veins,
Dorsal Aorta brings Nikki straight to my brain,
The door opens and I accept her in my effervescent embrace,
She loves me, I know this because she came to take away the pain,
Nikki cared for me when no one else did,
Surrounded me in her embrace, the clouds of safety and kinship,
Whispering its loving embrace in my ears,
Supplying me the warmth I needed when I was so, so cold,
When my dad was on the road, and my mom was drunk,
I’ve been chasing Nikki for more than seven years, one might never find her,
So I take the hit, flung it straight to my brain, there goes all my pain,
Its got me going insane, took my purity at a young age,
At the scornful age of 11, Nikki took me as a young man,
the sweet nothings Nikki whispers to me are intoxicating, and erotic,
She wipes away the thoughts, To purge me of my greatest fears,
So I can become this brave, little man, willing to risk it all,
The little man everyone needs something from,
The thoughts of distrust and loneliness, I’m not alone, I got my girl Nikki,
I breathe you in with smoke, in the backyard light, Nikki, my baby,
I love you, you chase away my many demons,
Illegal love has always been the hottest kind,
Nicotine in my lungs, chasing away what once has been wrong,
and somehow changing it and making it right,
I now understand, my life, but am I going insane?
I’ve always been a slave, no matter how free I felt,
America, Land of the Free, and yet I feel so chained,
Its probably because I’m a Slave for the nicotine.






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