Meraki | Teen Ink


February 1, 2018
By Anonymous

What'd you want me to say?
That I want to stay?
I'm dying here,
From the screams, cries and fears.
I try to walk away, but I won't.
Please, enough with the screams, just don't.
I can't leave you,
So let's get over who hit who.
You've burned yourself to me anyways,
You've stolen all my days.
I'm yours to keep now.
Ask for respect, and I promise I'll bow.
I swear I won't tell a soul,
Only you can make me whole.
You’re my world, my ground,
You’re the light, the air and sound.
These bruises will heal,
I should've better prepared your meal.
I was in front of the T.V, you couldn't see.
You didn't mean to hit me.
It didn't hurt when you pushed me to the floor,
It was an accident, I should've closed your door.
You didn't mean to hurt me.
It's because I'm so lazy.
But this love is so draining,
I can feel myself fading.
Blood doesn't scare me anymore.
It doesn't hurt when you call me a wh**e.
In under two minutes I can cover a bruise.
But, of everything I have, your the thing I absolutely can't lose?
I can't hear your lies.
I'm ready to open my eyes.
The beat of my heart pulsates through me,
Filling my eyes with blood so I can't see.
My veins are being ripped out,
And being tossed about.
My blood has soured,
While my heart is being slowly devoured.
The light vein where the knife missed,
Just barley below my wrist.
The veins cried red tears,
For the thought of being cut, is their worst fear.
I didn't think I'd become addicted,
And I thought I fixed it.
I can't tell who I am.
My empty words are just a sham.
Just to convince you I'm okay.
I'm okay, in a sick twisted way.
My lungs burn and my sweats gone cold.
My eyes grow wide and my words too bold.
I can't tell where I'm supposed to go,
Who I'm supposed to trust and know.
I can't again be alone.
The very thought burns to the bone.
To have to start from square one and find what I seek,
Rips my flesh and makes my muscles weak.
The lies I've told are my only sin.
The words, they peel my skin.
I can't bare to think of you.
And yet I always do.
I'm not yours, I tell myself.
I belong to no one else.
I can see you when I close my eyes.
And when I think of you, my heart just dies.
I can't cry anymore,
Or stay behind a locked door.
I'm done with my heart, and this big sore.
You've burnt and twisted me to the core.
I thought I was flying,
I was just quickly dying.
I keep trying to replace my heart with something lighter,
Trying to show I'm a fighter.
Really I'm just small and weak.
“A lying bastard and a sneak”
At least that's what you said,
Along with how my soul is dead.
And I'm honestly numb to this life.
You've given me only strife.
I can't stand to think of you,
Or your new life and all you do,
How your so happy and content.
And here I am, all splintered and bent.
The face you make when we pass makes me sick,
You make my blood slow and thick.
My hands feel cold.
And my mouth too bold,
But yelling won't do us any good.
And I still find myself saying, well… we could?
My words bubble at my mouth and chafe,
I feel so unsafe.
My thoughts are nothing but hate for you.
And everything I should do.
My tears are burning hot,
And my heart makes sure each one is caught.
In hopes you feel my pain,
Knowing you don't, drove me insane.
And yet I sit here and tell the thoughts to shoo,
Because I realize I still love you.
You had such a fragile heart,
It was bound to be torn up from the start.
You lit me up and fanned the flame.
How could you expect me to be tame?
I'll let the wind scream,
As a storm of emotions busts at the seam.
I'll let the blood pour,
And I'll let myself melt from the core.
I will kick and scream and burn,
You can just stand back and voice your concern.
Don't like it? Cover your eyes so you don't see.
It's too late to stop me
Paper cranes fly in my dreams.
But like illusions, it's never what it seems.
I'm waiting for the ground to run out from under my feet.
I'm waiting for my heart to slow and no longer beat.
I can play the role they give me,
But I'll never see what they see.
I gotta find my place,
I gotta find my space.
My reason for being,
Show me what they're seeing.
Because I'm horribly lost.
I want everything, but at what cost?

The author's comments:

I wrote this when I closed up. I closed up my life, my friends my emotions. I shut down and didn’t want to open my eyes, so I poured myself into my writings and poems. These are a couple of the ones I’ve written and compiled into one long poem. It goes through the stages of what I was dealing with emotionally. You can interpret this poem however you would like, it will not change the meaning to me. That’s the beauty of poems, you can take them into your heart however you would like. And that’s what I hope, I hope that my poem will mean something to you. Anything at all.

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