I’d like to think that I am sure
so sure
that my judgement is correct
that I am correct

we are not meant to be

but every time
I hear the first set of chords
every time
I hear those now obnoxiously ironic opening lines

“You think you know all about it then it seems you are wrong”

it’s just a song
except it’s not
it was our song
our stupid, cheesy song
except it wasn’t/isn’t stupid
it was/is perfect

with every line I see us
I see all the times
this song came on in your truck
and we stayed silent
but you squeezed my hand tighter

I see us
in a mess of blankets and sheets
just sugar and honey and skin
your lips and your fingertips
wildfire

I see us
more specifically
I see you looking at me
like you were seeing me
for the first time
because this song played
and we slow danced in my cafeteria

I see us
singing at a wedding
and when we realized no one was listening
we played for us
you looked at me and I smiled

I see a love so beautiful
I see a love stronger than I ever could have expected
I see a boy and a girl
who met on a winter night
and maybe it didn’t start then
but everything starts somewhere
and you told me it started there
when you came in the door
and I was standing
at the top of the stairs

and there was friendship
and laughter
and dancing
and adventure
and mistakes
and hurt
and do overs
and second chances
and third chances
and love
and so much laughing
and so much love

and like every sunset, ice cream cone, late night conversation, slow dance, road trip and quiet moment we shared
this song will end

and yes
I have it on repeat right now
but eventually I won’t
eventually I will listen to this song
and I won’t think about
how I hurt you
or how you hurt me

I will think of only
you
me
summer
sandy toes
our fingers intertwined
kisses sweet as candy
thick curls
your eyes when the sun hits them
just right

a cabin in the winter
my toes burrowed beneath your calves
a heavy quilt
love on the weekend
giggles and goofiness
a bliss I had never known

and after recounting all of this
I feel somehow both
crushed completely
and so so empty
and I can almost see you here
lying next to me
I can hear your voice
and feel your chest rise and fall
the softness of your t shirt
against my cheek
your lips pressed
to the top of my head

a wildfire
charred me inside out
but fire creates fertile soil
you taught me so much
you gave me so much
we both have grown like wildflowers
since that first snowy night

and my chest aches for you
but I thought it was the feeling
of roots being ripped from the earth
but no
it’s the feeling of a whole forest
sprouting within me

we have so much room to grow