right when the sky
has become clear
and blue
and bright,
another storm
rolls over me.
the sun had barely
started shining.
i’m so pale;
you’d think i was a ghost.
tragedy upon simple tragedy,
all I want is a break
from the pain
from myself
from the rain
from it all.
i can’t go on
even with the words of your song,
they are so beautiful
i sing them every day
and every way.
they help me escape
this gloomy prison
where i constantly make
mistake after mistake.
my life is full
of regrets
and of confusion.
i never get what i want
because i have never deserved it.
God has a plan for me,
i know that He does,
but what if His plan,
is for me to die, just because?
it’s what i’ve been waiting for,
craving every day.
slipping into
nonexistence
is my deepest desire.
the idea of death in my mind
is the same as cool water
on my tongue after
a long run
on a hot summer day.
i want to be happy
and content with myself.
my emotions eat me up,
consume me in a lick of blue fire,
until there is nothing left of me.
my skin bubbles up
and burns off,
a rubber soled shoe
melting on the white hot asphalt.
i scream out in pain
but no one can hear me
because i hold everything inside of me,
no matter how horrible.
i wish that i was dead or dying
or never even existed
but i don’t deserve
that decency.