Feeling it now?

January 25, 2018
By Anonymous

I felt my insides suddenly become outsides as I looked at the adventure before me. I had already accepted my fate. With determination flooding through my body, I took a brave step. Many abstract ways to die flooded the back of my brain, I pushed them away. This was my life’s work, a death trap, where my heart stays broken in half, but still beating for her. I could feel it a hole in my chest, every time it beat, the hole enlarged. Soon this hole would consume my mind, I already could feel it consuming my body. I needed to get there, I took another hesitant step. The moment my foot hit the blackened brambles covering the ground, an inescapable wave of darkness and agony jolted through me. I knew I had made a monster, but I never knew how bad it could be. I instantly acknowledged the fact that I had made this…this thing to evolve to each person’s deepest fear and regrets, but somehow it had evolved to look into our memories dissolving the good, flaunting the bad. This wasn’t my creation anymore, it was alive and murderous. I woke up in a cold sweat. I knew what I had created, that killer was heartbreak loud and clear, burning your insides up.

  I looked up into the sky, the sky that was once beautiful to me, now stained with tears of clouds. I could no longer see through my eyes, everything was dazed and looked like someone had washed out all feelings. My heart hurt, but it was somehow numb as well., it ached. It was unbearable, I felt like this too much, it encased me every day. I put on smile, but under neither I was drowning in my own tears. Why wouldn’t anyone pull me out, why does no one notice when I can’t breathe? How can there be a feeling where it’s numb, but hurts so much I can’t even walk. I got up, but the emotion struck me down like an arrow, I fell back to the ground. Tears flood down my cheeks, no one was ever going to be there for me? Was I ever going to be washed ashore, or would I be left there sinking endlessly forever? I curled into a ball, rumors would spread through the world, none would be true, but they would still crush and tear every muscle, till I was already at the bottom of the ocean. Once you were far gone, once you were too far down, then they would apologize, then the truth will emerge. Sadness, that’s the name of this cold heartless emotion, that has never once shown mercy to me.
  Flames engulfing my heart and mind, locking out all logic and filters. No matter how hard I tried to hold it back, it exploded, yelling, screaming, it was hard to believe that all this frustration had been building up inside of me. It seemed to reach up to the stars, sparkling, crackling, invading into the minds around it. My emotion, it sizzled and other people caught it too. It was my disease, I invented it, I decided to let it loose and infect everyone around me with my torment. I had sent this disease out, it was my job to capture it back into the bottle, so it could blow off again. How could I bottle this feeling back up, it was toxic, it floated through the air. This feeling could stay for centuries and, no one would decide to help the infected, or cut off the disease with care and calmness. I hated this feeling it struck me every once in a while, coursing through my bones, turning my glaze to flames, that sent fear through those who passed me. This emotion varied within every person but within me, I didn’t have control, it decided to catch everyone on fire. I made it, I couldn’t control it though. This emotion was temperamental, this was almost hate, this was anger infecting all.

  I felt a knot twisting and twirling in my stomach. I felt raw, and exposed. I looked around me, all I saw was black smoke, it moved around stealing my breath. I coughed, I was unprotected, no one was there to protect me. An emotion was flooding my body making it shake, making me feel alone. All my walls were pushed down, all my protection was torn down with every cough that shook me. Soon I would have nothing, no one was going to come and help me build my walls back. I was so lost with the smoke drowning out, I never thought I could ever feel so alone. No one would ever protect me, I could never tell anyone my feelings, they were too wrong, too me. I would lose whatever little respect they had for me, they would consume me, laughter would torture me, and their faces would burn me up till I was just I pile of ashes, with no enclosure, no walls to help me hide. This emotion was one I knew I had, everyone has this emotion, it’s the fear of insecurity, it makes us close up to everyone, it makes us hide.

  My head reeled, my thoughts muddles, too too much was happening. I couldn’t get ahold of myself. Something was shattering within me, maybe my heart, my body, no no it was my mind. My mind was slowly being torn apart, I couldn’t tell what was doing it, what was making me crack. I was in pain, I couldn’t process it. AH Ah ah it was like a maggot invading my mind, it was eating it. I was a human being, I was a wolf, I was alone. It was so dark, it was too much, too much…. too much…too too what? My thoughts were scattered. Agh AGh AGH, someone had hit my broken mirror, pieces were falling to the ground, breaking till they could never be put back together. Was I... I going insane?

I felt it running through my blood, bubbling in my veins, it got to my heart and exploded. All I ever felt these days was amazing everything I looked at seemed to good, I adored everything. Wherever I looked all I saw was them standing there smiling, my heart pounded. I was always beside them, when they called me I ran, when they cried I was beside them, and when they needed anything I was always there to provide it. I would never regret anything, I danced all night long, I didn’t care how stupid, all I wanted to do was enjoy life. My limbs tingled, I couldn’t stay still, I wanted to run forever, energy flooded through me whenever I thought about them. I could stay by their side forever, no matter what happened it was well worth the risk, if there was even the slightest chance I could be by them forever. If it payed off then I would dance my whole life, I would never throw away my shot. The sky would never be my limit, I would dance in the stars, I would live there with them, I would be so in love for forever.

  I was walking on the moon, it was glorious, it was beautiful, it was…it was I wasn’t there yet. I still had a flower in my chest. That flower was pleading with all my heart, for it to just blossom. I was desperate, I needed to get there, be there, accomplish it all. The flower grew every minute, I was close, but never there, always…. always getting closer, but further at the same time. I could see it from here, it was blinding it... it was enormous, I wasn’t completely there go. I could… I could just touch it, then it was pulled away from it, more instructions, more waiting, pushing me further away. The flower wilted, dying, unable to take so much disappointment. I fell, clutching my knees, I couldn’t process this, I could never get there, I shouldn’t… shouldn’t give up, but no…. NO! I got this far, I couldn’t give up. The flower, this wilted flower sprung up, as if someone had watered it. I was still waiting, but… but I was closer, closer than ever. Two steps forward, one step back, I was waiting, this flower so close to popping. This flower, this annoying flower, was anticipation.

The author's comments:

Everyone feels something, at some point.

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