Make a Change

January 23, 2018
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A time when I was a different person than I am now,
I thought the dark would consume me,
It was around my 14th birthday.
Despite having many blessings to count,
I didn’t know as I do now,
That they were there.
They were cloaked by sadness,
Making them invisible in my view.
Like a magic trick,
Their identity hidden,
Blessings masked as blemishes. 
I did not know,
That life,
Is only what I choose.
That the hand of cards I’m dealt,
Have little significance.
They only mold me as a child,
Unaware of what the world holds,
These first few events,
Are the only thing I have to grasp,
To learn from,
To form my view of what life is.
But after that,
It’s my turn to find what outlook I’ll have.
I’ll play life’s game of 52 pick up.
Throw my cards on the ground,
Pick up some more,
And move on.
Let destiny bring me where it wants,
But from then,
Its my choice as what to do.
What choices I make in this new foreign land,
Or even a place I’ve been before.
Will I make the same mistakes I made before,
Or make a change?
I didn’t know that I could fight the past,
Turn something bittersweet,
Into something simply sweet.
Let memories remain,
When I was 14, this darkness only surrounded me for a few days,
But it was the fear that it would come back to consume me that stayed.
It was fear,
That had consumed me.
Now I fight a different war,
And the small battles I seem to be winning.
I try not to make the same mistakes as before,
Try not to let a version of myself with downcast eyes on me,
Become me.
Try not to let fear of days when I would think of all the things that make me up,
And how I couldn’t find love for a single one of them,
Become today.
Try not to let myself say that I am doing nothing.
Nothing for everyone else,
Nothing for myself,
Nothing of importance.
Try to allow myself a little freedom.
Not having to accomplish anything,
To validate my worth.
Try not to make my standards for myself be impossible.
Try to know I am not a burden.
Try not to say sorry for things that aren’t my fault.
Try to allow myself time to change.
Know that it is a slow process to love myself,
When for a time,
All I did was dislike something I couldn’t change,
That didn’t need to be changed.
Now, I try not to be my 14 year old self.
Try not to fear the dark days coming back,
Because I know if I choose too,
I can make it through.
I can let the light consume me.

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