It starts with a smile.
A few late night texts
The occasional call.
But the calls become more frequent and you find yourself laughing at the smallest things. You laugh because he laughs. You laugh because of his childish ways of trying to impress you.
Now comes the first date.
It goes really well, though you kick yourself for all the embarrassing things you think you did.
Now the first kiss.
Its awkward as all first kisses are; but it was nice.
Your friends adjust to the new relationship and eventually the banter on it ceases. Everything goes back to normal amd the relationship falls into place in your life as if it was always there. The days pass and you grow closer.
1 month
3 months
6 months
Nine.
Your friends are talking about losing their virginity in their relationships but you've held out. He begins to get agitated as the days pass but you don't know why.
One year.
You celebrate it because its the longest relationship you've ever had. You believe its going to last. You're starry eyed over this person that has put up with you for a year.
One and a half.
He keeps pushing you during intimate times but your'e not sure you're ready. But all of his friends keep talking about it. And he asks why.
One night, you give in.
You're scared and not sure of it. But he seemed so much happier. He loved you more. Months go by and he ravishes your body. You're still scared of it and don't quite enjoy it but its not for you, its for him right?
One day your phone goes off but before you can pick it up your mom calls. You go to see her and she asks you to help with the dishes. Half an hour passes and you finally check your phone.
Him: Hey
Him: Hello?
Him: Why arent you answering?
Him: Wyd
Five missed calls.
Him: What the f***
Him: Nothing?
Two missed calls.
Him: Whatever.
Him: Have fun.
Him: With whatever you're doing.
You answer immediately and tell him what happened. He reads it but doesn't reply. You bite your nails and text him again.
You: Babe?
Read 3:45
You: I'm sorry.
Him: Its fine.
You: Are you coming over?
Him: I guess.
An hour passes. Then two. Finally he pulls into your drive. You run out to meet him and he barely hugs you back. He seems on edge and glares at you a bit. He barely touches you. You sit on the couch for hours watching him play on his phone, ignoring your every attempt to get his attention. He goes home. As you get ready for bed your phone goes off.
Him: Night.
You: What's wrong?
Him: Nothing.
You: Are you sure?
Him: Yup.
Him: Goodnight.
You: Goodnight I love you
Him: You too.
You go to sleep.
Months pass by like this. Steadily the fights get louder. He starts screaming at you at the top of his lungs. Calls you a b****. You don't know why he's mad. You feel like you've done something wrong but don't know what. You feel the need to make it up to him. You give yourself to him again for the countless time. He's happy again.
Your two year anniversary is coming up. He's been distant. You get into an argument after you express that you feel neglected. He says you need a break.
You struggle to gain his forgiveness, not sure what you did wrong. He says you're too needy, too clingy, and too paranoid. He ignores all of your texts for three days. One day after ignoring your texts, he says he's done.
Its the night before his birthday. You decide not to message him anything more than happy birthday. The next day is the school dance. You take a chance and text him.
You: Hey
Him: Hey :)
You smile, and hope blooms in your chest.
You: So do you have a date tonight?
Him: No
You: Do you need one?
Him: Yeah :*
He picks you up. Your mom isn't too happy about it but you're overjoyed. You don't notice much that your dress doesn't fit as well as before. You give yourself to him that night.
He leaves his phone open. You find a girl on his social media whose profile he stalked. You find messages of him inviting her to his birthday where he got drunk. You confront him. He says his friends did it and she didn't go. He says you're paranoid and being a b****. You pick at your clothes and think of how beautiful she is, how much more “well stacked” she is.
Two months go by. You keep seeing her pop up in your dreams and he's been acting strange. He slaps your hand if you reach for his phone, even if its just to check the time. He always keeps it in his pocket. He tells you it's because you always get paranoid or go off about something. You stop touching his pockets. Some part of you knows what he says isn't true, but you believe him anyway. You do do this all the time. You just cause problems.
One day he breaks up with you. He says you're too paranoid. You beg him to forgive you. You say you'll change. You're not sure what you're supposed to change. He gets angry and ignores you.
A close friend comes over that night after hearing about it to comfort you. He then confesses he saw him texting that girl while you were together, but thought they were just friends.
You cry and wonder why you're not good enough.
That night he calls you. He says he loves you and that he's just friends with her but he doesn't know if he wants to be with you. Months go by. You become friends with a girl at school. You tell her all about what he's said and done. You need advice. You don't know what to do. He gets back with you and says she's a bad influence. Says she'll bring you down and that she's a b****. Eventually he breaks up with you again.
One night he calls.
Hes slurring his words but he's crying. He says he misses you. He only wants you. He wants to marry you. He comes over and you give yourself over to him, desperate for him to want you again. You don't know why you made him so mad, but you want to make it up to him.
He falls asleep next to you and wakes up not long after. He starts to leave and you ask him if it means you're back together.
He says he knew he shouldn't have come over. Says he knew you'd take it that way. He wasn't sure how he felt anymore. You ask if he was using you. He says you never changed and leaves.
A few days later he calls. He wants you back. You accept it. Months go by like this. The same girl, over and over. Finally, your last year of high school comes. And he leaves you.
He constantly says he loves you but doesn't know if he wants to be with you. He asks you to meet him sometimes, says he loves you, but isn't ready go be with you yet. You give yourself to him, because that's what he wants, but you feel used and dirty every time.
You find out he's been seeing someone else. The girl talks to you. She says he told her you cheated on him and that you were crazy. You tell her about him meeting with you. She says she's sorry and that she'll never talk to him again. You confront him.
He screams at you and calls you a b****. Says you're a c*** and a lying w***e. Asks you why you're like this. Why do you always have to start s***?
A week later he's back with you. Two weeks later he's gone and with her again. Your family and friends comment on how much weight you've lost. Your coworkers are concerned. Your pants don't fit. Your hip bones stick out too much. You don't care.You start to try to go out with your friends. You grow closer to them and start to go out more.
But every night your car isn't at home, your phone is going off.
Him: Where are you?
Missed call.
Him: What are you doing?
Two missed calls.
You: I'm with my friend
Him: Yeah ok.
You: I'm not lying
Him: Sure.
Him: Any new dudes hitting you up
You: No. I don't talk to anyone but her.
She's your only friend. You lost all of your male friends a year ago when he said you couldn't hang out with them anymore. You keep hearing about the girl he's talking to.
Him: Sure. Not what I heard but ok.
You: I'm telling the truth
Him: Send me a pic
You: *snap*
Him: Mmk have fun.
A few nights later your friends convince you to spend the night out and drink with them. You trust them and you feel the need to get rid of stress so you agree. You're having fun before the drinking even starts. You can let loose and dance. Your phone starts going off. Hes calling and texting.
Him: Where are you?
Him: What are you doing?
You leave your phone in the car, a few drinks later you check it.
24 missed calls.
30 unread messages.
He's cursing you out, capitalized words of wondering where you are. As you're looking at your phone he calls. You answer.
Him: what the f*** are you doing?
You: Um I'm at...my friends.
It sounds normal to you, but you feel slow and groggy.
Him: Are you drunk?
You: No
You giggle. His voice gets high pitched as he gets upset and begins to cry.
Him: What the f*** bruh. How could you do this what is wrong with you?
You: I'm not doing anything
Him: YOURE DRUNK AT SOME DUDES F***ING HOUSE. WHAT THE F*** DO YOU THINK?! YOURE NOT THINKING. YOU NEVER THINK. WHAT THE F***! YOURE GOING TO HOOK UP WITH ONE OF THEM ARENT YOU? GOD! WHAT THE F***!
You: I'm not going to do that. I'm not a slut. And its not just guys my female friends are here.
Your phone dies but you don't really care about it. You're having too much fun to care that it died. You feel an inkling of fear, because you remember how he reacts when you don't answer. But you shrug and continue to dance. Your friends phone starts to go off. His girlfriend takes it and answers. Everyone says his name, calling it before she answers.
She tells him to leave them alone. You're having fun and he has no right to try to ruin it. You're doing nothing wrong.
Its the fifth time he's called them. You feel bad that he's taking it out on them but they assure you it's okay. They're there for you. You pass out in your car alone. Everyone made sure you were safe. The next morning its cold. You sit by the fire and you feel safe and free. Your spirits are lifted and you don't feel stressed.
Your phone goes off. Your friends tell you not to answer. But to their disappointment, you do. The fear is back. You know he'll be mad. You're not sure what he'll do to you this time.
He screams at you that you better leave now. Asks why you're still there. Accuses you of sleeping around. Says you have to meet him or else.
You take your friend home and meet him at the park. Today is the day of the town festival, but he asks you to meet him at a park far away from it. He's crying and screaming that you hurt him, he can't believe you've done this. You think about all the times he's gone out to drink, and all the girls he's talked to while you're apart. But you don't say anything. You apologise. It is your fault after all. You are horrible. How could you do this to him? Hes done nothing but love you. You betrayed his trust.
He's telling you all of this. You believe it. You start to cry. You can't count how many times he's made you cry.
Then he says the words that will haunt you for the rest of your life
“You need to prove to me that you love me.”
You know what hes asking. But you don't want it. You start shaking and your legs clamp together automatically. This isnt the first time you've reacted this way. You play dumb and ask him how, trying to stall and think of a way out. You're scared. He's says to figure it out. He pulls you closer and kisses you.
He says it's a start.
He kisses you more.
He repeats his words:
“You need to prove to me that you love me.”
You reply you don't know what he wants. He pulls you into the back seat, and your body tenses up completely. You dont want him to touch you. He tries to bend you over and you turn and tell him you dont want this.
“You have to prove to me that you love me.”
Hes mad at you. You upset him. Its your fault. You can't fight him. You dont want him to yell at you. So you go limp as he turns you over on your face. And you hold back your tears.
He lets you go. He says he forgives you, but he's still mad. He still doesn't trust that you didn't sleep with someone else.
Your body is shaking. You can't think. He tells you he has to leave. You get in your car and watch as he drives away.
You drive home and see a group of your friends on the way. You pick them up and you smile and laugh at every little thing. You feel hysterical. The festival is on the street your house is on. Its noisy. You change your clothes and throw the old ones off as soon as possible. He touched those. He touched you.
You curl up in your room. Your mom says you need to get out there. That your friends are there. Your closest friend finds you. You tell her what happened. Her knuckles turn white and she hugs you.
Your other friends find out.
That night you scrub your skin raw. You owed him. He needed it. You made it better.
Weeks go by and its your birthday. You've lost so much weight now.
You're eighteen and all of your friends come to your house. You take drink after drink. Your sister watches and makes sure you're okay. She takes everyone's keys. The night dwindles down and you've ignored your phone. It doesn't exist anymore. Your sober friends leave. Your closest friend and a male friend stay. He's too drunk to go home. You've flirted with him a bit. You've even kissed.
You're afraid he'll find out. You dont want him to own your body anymore. You're numb. You're tired. Your mind isnt there. You sober up a couple hours later. She's gone to bed.
You give yourself to him.
Afterwards, you crawl to your bed. She's already asleep. And you cry.
The next morning he thinks you're together. You wish it had never happened. You weren't yourself. You feel bad. But you don't care. You go with it. You feel wild and dangerous. You're on edge.
That night he calls. He found out that you were seeing someone else. But he doesn't know what you did. You apologise as he screams and says he wasn't even going to call but he did. Asks how you could do this. Why would you do this to him? He's done nothing but love you.
You tell your friend you cant see him anymore. That it's over.
You've hurt so many people now. You always do this. Its all your fault. What's wrong with you? You're dirty. You're a slut. He's right about you.
He comes over. He says he loves you. He only wants you. He wants to be with you forever. You're tired of this. You want it to end. You're crying and you want to scream but it wont come out. You sit there in silence and listen to him. You're a shell. You'll do everything he wants. You owe it to him. You hurt him.
He takes you.
You let him.
You did the unforgivable. You belong to him. How could you.
He knows something is wrong. You're terrified he'll find out. So you lie.
A week later you're broken up. He couldn't trust you. He finds out what you did. He says he cant be with you anymore. He asks you how could you do this. And asks you why. You say you don't know. You feel like it happened to someone else. It wasnt you. He screams at you. He curses you out. He threatens to hit you. A few of your friends talk to him and they stop talking to you.
You hurt everyone. You betrayed him. Youre tainted.
A month goes by.
Its new years eve.
Hes been asking for you. He's been calling. He says he'll change. He says he's sorry.
You take him back.
Your closest friend won't talk to you.
You get drunk that night.
Shes mad at you but she wont leave your side. She says she doesn't want to watch you go through it again. You tell her you cant live without him. The words don't feel like your own.
Youve been back together for two months now.
Every time you leave your house, you have to tell him where you're going, and every place you go. He asks for pictures sometimes to prove that you're not lying. You send them. He tells you youre friend is a bad influence, that you shouldn't hang around her. He says its her fault you did those things. You know he's not right. But you sit in silence, guilty for not saying something but scared of his reaction. He says you never defend him against her. He says she talks s*** about him and that you always defend her but not him. Hes right. You're sorry.
You should defend him.
But when has she talked about him?
He accuses you of cheating on him. He accuses you of sleeping around with three different guys. He says he doesn't believe you. He says you're a liar. He says you've done it before.
He says he cant trust you after you betrayed him. You hurt him.
He leaves you. He's still messing with the same girl.
He cheats on her with you. He tells you he wasnt with her. You ask her the truth. He spent the night with her. He used you. You confront him. He screams that you always start s***. That you always do this. He asks why youre like this. He tells you to shut the f*** up when you try to talk. Its not the first time.  You want to say she can have him. You want to be done. But he owns your body. You have to give yourself to him. No one else can touch you.
College starts.
You meet new people.
You begin to feel free.
You can get away from him
You're starting your life.
You meet someone.
You're scared of feeling for him. You'll just make the same mistakes. You'll hurt everyone again.
He calls. He wants you. Only you. He's sorry.
Youre back with him. Its the same cycle. But something is different. You dont like what he's saying. You cry every time he takes you. You get mad when he yells.
This isn't right.
“Prove to me that you love me.”
He tells you to shut the f*** up. You cut him off. You tell him to never say that to you again. That its disrespectful. He says you're right and hes sorry.
“Prove to me that you love me.”
He says he cant trust you. He says he does but he doesn't believe youre not talking to that guy you met. He says that guy will rape you. You say he won't. You trust him more.
This isn't right.
“Prove to me that you love me.”
No.
I can't do this anymore. I'm done.
You hang up the phone. You don't feel the need to cry. You feel a weight lift. He asks you to rethink this. He says youre just mad. You tell him no. You cant anymore. Its over.
Days pass of him trying to contact you. He went to your work on your birthday. That night he accuses you of lying. He asks if you're f***ing some dude like last time. You stare at the screen. You feel sorry for him.
“Prove to me that you love me.”
I don't.
You hit block.