I remember when I saw my mother cry
She hunched shaking like a flower in the rain against her bed frame
Her back to me, but I heard her sobs
Choppy and fast, coughing tears into her patient hands
Ma, I ached to cry out
To howl my pain of breaking her into the lavender shades of her bedroom
Ma, I’m so sorry
I’m so sorry that I am the way that I am
That my brain doesn’t work quite right
That parts of my mind are shattered like navy blue glass
Too dark for them to understand
They’re trying to fix me, Ma
They’re trying to fix me
And now-- look
Five years later, I am alive and so is my mind
I am healthy
I am happy
I am bright
I am strong
Not even a fraction as strong as you, Ma, whom I always will aspire to be
But I am stronger than I was
I made it
Yet the pain I caused you, I caused everyone still throbs like a black lesion in my heart
I know none of it is my fault but I still ache inside
What I put you through
Nothing in the world that I could ever do will ever even come close to repairing what I’ve done
What I put you through
I am so sorry, Ma
You are the strength in my life when I cannot be
You are always there for me and I treasure that more now than ever
I am so sorry, Ma
I love you always
Signed, your daughter