to hold a reflection

January 5, 2018
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The first time i knew a girl like me
I recoiled
Every time she moved
It was with this manic energy
Her head thrown back, the scratch marks on her hands dancing
Along convenience store shelves
Knocking over saltines and off brand band aids
She spoke with the hum of a generator
And layed next to me all warm and buzzing
i thought she would explode
When i showed her my mirror she danced
She layed out her razor blades for me and told me each ones storey
She kicked stones across property lines and yelled for no good reason
She was always so angry
She lied with such grace
Said three-years-clean like it was one word
So you didn’t notice the way she pulled on her sleeves
She would talk about addiction
Say stuff like “i wouldn’t do heroine because i’m too scared of needles”
Drink five cups of coffee and run
We would lie down in the middle of fields
And count each palpitation
She said i tasted like cough syrup and over chewed gum
It was four weeks before i held her hands
And they didn’t vibrate, they shook
She would scream at me behind bleachers, kick dust and cry
Steal and bleed and lay still
The thing about nervous energy is sometimes its just nervous
Now when i visit her she paints up my face
and we eat fun size snicker bars
And dance through cvs parking lots
And sometimes she cries and doesn’t sleep
And she stares at a wall
And tells me
That she’s more scared of losing control
Than of needles.

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