Dear grandma, I'm sorry

December 29, 2017
By Anonymous

I don't know where to start...
I lay here on my bed solemn in the grasp of solitude.
With only the gentle tears of my father serenating in the background
Anxiety fills my stomach in knots as it gets hard to breathe, no mentions of names on my wrist.
This s*** hurts to say the least, but not because it effected me, it was only then I remember your face.
I didn't want this...not if it meant hurting the people around me and all I can say to myself is that if asked for this but all I know is that in the end does holding onto hurt worth this?
I guess not only due to the fact that maybe I didn't hate you.
Maybe I wanted that bond that every grandchildren had with you and I ask myself know if it's I'm to blame but I'm too prideful to admit to my mistakes and if I wasn't so sick with a dry throat I would have said something at the gathering.
I'm just scared that if i were to open my mouth that maybe if I spoke my words my head will tear into two if I were to say everything that been reaching to get out.
Maybe I'm not the best when it comes to expressing myself but I swear to God on the day that you were diagnosed was the same day I held my breath in desperation because I knew what was to come next and that's the thing that hurts the most is loving someone from afar being jealous of every connection a symbiosis interaction when your left on the outside as a martyr I write your name into something that is not or even then into something wasn't meant to fit.

That s*** destroy myself like this and to destroy those around you..and I promise you that I will pick that legacy from the underground and resorect it from what was left unsaid and I make it a mission to not see the tears run down their faces because I know how much they mean to you and I will be a break down the sound barrier that been put up upon ages of coble stone but I swear to you mama I will always have that smile on my face even it kills me from the inside of my core because I loved you so much even without knowing the vibrations the connection I had to you
And I hate to admit my wrongs and I know that my emotions is not a skill that I have yet to mastered! But doesn't mean I don't wanna try and for you I will climbs my mountains my walls to see past my darkness

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