i’m not sure when it started
or why
maybe it was the media
maybe it was being the “fat friend”
maybe because dad gave up sugar
or mom joined weight watchers
and i don’t know when exactly it ended
when it clicked
but i do know why
i got tired
i gave up
i hit rock bottom
and realized i was reliant
reliant on being ill
i put everything into my illness
i had to leave the college of my dreams twice
all for my disorder
i gave up birthdays and holidays
mothers and father’s day
because it was all about being sick
it had to be
it protected me
from the worse
from the worst
i don’t know where i’d be
if i hadn’t gotten sick
i purged up my problems
and cut to cope
but it became too much
when i didn’t need it
as soon as i decided to be happy
there was no use
i didn’t need to starve to feel
i didn’t need to cut to cry
my eating disorder was everything i needed
in the worst times of my life
i gave up living to be sick
but i regret nothing
i lost friends
because no one could understand
what i was going thru
except those
who had seen the same sick
but when the lightbulb
in my brain
turned on
there was no darkness for her to thrive in
i was growing
in more ways than one
and learning
in more ways than many
being sick
was of no use
and so
i became healthy
not all at once
not quickly
it was a gradual climb
and the hardest i’ve experienced
losing her
was not easy
i was convinced i was her
and she were me
i was dissecting myself 
to dispose of the illness
that i had craved so badly
pitying myself
because i couldn’t get out of bed
it was stockholm syndrome
the way i loves her
the way she needed me
to thrive
to survive
but at some point i discovered
it was a one way street
and she was not needed
anymore
she was not wanted
anymore
i needed to have her
in order to survive
but i need to rid myself of her
in order to thrive
and so here i am
this is me
this is not her
i used to think
my creativity was in the same part of my brain
that i let go to lose her
yet i write
i write and i write
and good things flow
because i am not sick
because i am happy
because i am healthy
because i am me