Stay Here

November 12, 2017
By , Minot, ND

Why didn’t I save him?
I could’ve answered the phone! OR I could’ve asked if he was okay the day before.
Why didn’t I save him?
I should’ve gone to him when he called. OR I should’ve told someone when I saw the signs.
I could’ve saved him.

But now he is gone and there is nothing I can do. No one for me to save.
No one to save me.

So now I just wait. Here. I will not move from my rooted spot beside him. Where he lays. I will not leave him. This is my way to save him. When he wakes up he will see me waiting. I will hold his hand until his eyes open. I will not break my promise to never leave him. I will trace the blue veins on his white hands as a reminder that he won’t leave me either.
Please don’t leave me. I beg. Hold on.
This isn’t the end.

He needs his glasses. When he wakes up, he won’t be able to see without his glasses. He always looked so abnormal with his chunky black glasses. Now he looks abnormal without them.

I could’ve saved him.
Why didn’t I save him?
Now I am left with memories and a hope that he will hold on.

* * * * * *

It’s been a year. He has been asleep for a year. I’ve come to terms that he might not need his glasses anymore. But I don’t want this to be the end. He can’t really have left me. He promised. He said he loved me. You don’t leave someone you love. Especially not like this. Not with this pain.
This is THE kind of pain. The “Can’t eat, Can’t sleep, Can’t breathe” kind of pain. It hurts so bad.  I’ve been sitting here. Here. Holding his hand for a year. Begging for a year.
Stay one more year.
Here.
I hate this place. So dark and gloomy. So unhappy. If he were awake he’d crack a joke. Say people were rolling over in their graves because my hair was a monstrosity. And then he would say something about irony. And everything would be okay.
I want everything to be okay.
Why can’t everything be okay?

He always knows how to make me laugh, and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever laugh again if he never opens his eyes.

I’m getting desperate now. I’m greedy. I need to see his sea foam green eyes. I can’t wait another second. I am holding on. Why can’t he?
It is getting cold here now. No one has come to visit us. No one misses us? I miss him. That’s why I am still here.
I’m still here for him.
Does he miss me in his sleep?
I could’ve saved him.

But I chose to save myself. Selfish me. That’s what I am, Selfish. We all have a little bit of “I want to save the world” in us. That’s why we are here. I want him to know that it’s okay if he saves only one person, And it’s okay if that person is himself. Because that’s what he did,
He saved himself.
From the pain.
From the sorrow.
From me.

My brother saved himself. But it just so happened to kill me too.

It’s never taken me this long to say goodbye. He left the coffee shop that morning and I hadn’t even hugged him yet. He just left. No smile.

It’s a blessing yet a curse, feeling everything so deeply. I don’t want him to leave. He cannot leave. Please? Don’t leave? Not yet.
Him.
He’s like a dream.
Pale as a ghost.

I repeatedly tell him he will get through this. He will win this.

That's the moment I knew. He’d be the death of me.
The pillows in the casket are soft.
Here.






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