In nine months I’m going to be asked to pack everything I own into two suitcases and leave everything I’ve ever known. I have to fit memories, sweaters, anxiety, boots, excitement, necklaces, fear, dresses and heartbreak into two suitcases and just go, and that, is a lot of baggage. When I weigh my bags at check in they’ll say “I’m sorry ma’am but your bag is too heavy to carry on with you.” and for a second I’ll consider not going but then I’ll look at my dad and see the disappointment because my carry on was too heavy for the plane but takes up too much space at home and I’m packing my bags... I started packing in October so that the task wasn’t so overwhelming in Junee and you disappoint me Jess... I have a jar full of things that I have done to disappoint people and it’s full of failed tests, bad grades, calls that were never returned, flat tires, like I should have seen that screw in the road what was I thinking? Dull blades, ripped hoodies like be a lady, and broken hearts because those are pretty disappointing right? When I started packing my sweaters in October I realized I needed them in November so I unpacked them and left whatever fell onto my floor on my floor. When December came it came with finals and the year ending and I decided I needed to unpack my anxiety too. My necklaces and socks fell out when I dug that up from the bottom of my suitcase and I hardly got it out because it was so heavy and my eyes had circles under them and if I hadn’t dug my anxiety out and instead I’d grabbed a cute necklace maybe I would’ve passed my finals and it just wouldn’t have been... so heavy. I left my anxiety on my bed from December 19th to the beginning of the year and I slept on the couch to clear my head and I’m repacking my bags... With new worries and sweaters, broken pieces of hope and some tape that maybe I’ll fix one day and curling irons. My bags are bursting at the seams and they tell me “If you never get it off your chest it will crush you” and dI smile and laugh “What’s new?” In february I started drinking. I started mixing vodka with my hot chocolate and beer in my hot cider. I’d drink it straight from the flask when I had the chance. I tried not to slur my words too much but I love you doesn’t sound the same when you’re hardly conscious in his front seat with your hair in your mouth and your voice going from screaming at the stars and after a whole flask running through the blood in your veins while you’re sitting in his car when you say I love you, it doesn’t sound the same and he doesn’t say it back so when your heart breaks you take another swig from your flask. And he wants to say “What happened?” But he doesn’t even bother to ask and when I wake up in the morning I’m in his hoodie and old sweats and he’s playing x-box next to me and my head is pounding and he took my flask and I tried to say I love you and looked at me and asked, “Who?” because this wasn’t love anymore. In March I spent another night screaming at the stars and when I got in my car the glass shattered because I forgot to hit the brake and in that car there was a baby girl. And when I saw her in the street I thought of black and blue bruises that show that we got beat but when I saw those lifeless blue eyes I prayed to God that baby girl would be alright but I knew she wouldn’t so I layed in the street and cried until the lights showed up behind me and my arms got tied behind my back for my second DUI. In March I went and saw her tombstone and the smallest coffins are the heaviest. That’s what it said... In April I started to unpack because I just couldn’t go anymore. I was unpacking my bags and burying myself under my sweaters, worries, necklaces, anxieties, boots, and heartbreak. I’m unpacking my bags and I take up too much room at home, you disappoint me Jess... Your bags are too heavy Jess... What are you doing Jess? I need to go, I need to go. I put everything I owned into two bags packed neatly by my bedroom door and I sat on them for hours thinking that maybe if I weight them down some they won’t weigh me down and I’m gonna go for a walk I need to clear my head and “Dinner’s in the fridge, you disappoint me Jess.” and I just write back, “I’m sorry.” When I got to the lake I started thinking about being dead and how much space I would take up than and it’s only 6 feet in the ground buried in a pretty dress and you disappoint me Jess. You and your failed tests. My bad grades and dull blades, you disappoint me with your heavy bags and anxiety like what are you so worried about like Dad, the world is a big scary place and please don’t be mad but I think it would eat me alive and mom I’m sorry... There’s dinner in the fridge and I never meant to disappoint you. I walk to the edge of the lake counting my steps like 1, 2, 3. Lifeless blue eyes and DUI’s. 4, 5, 6. Heavy bags and necklaces. 7, 8, 9. The only thing I ever had that was really mine was this Goddamn jar of the disappointing things i’ve done in my life so I throw it as far as I can and scream F... I grab rocks and fill my sweater pockets and you disappoint me Jess, you disappoint me Jess, I’m sorry I’ll try and disappoint you less. I’m filling my pockets with rocks and allowing myself to drown and I have a confession... I just want to be alive.
Two Suitcases and A Broken Heart
November 17, 2017